posted
499 words; I would like a few critiques. (This was up on Mike's board, but I've made a change or two and would like fresh eyes.)
Since it's so short, I'll post fewer than 13 lines, although the hook suffers.
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"Come in," the new chief Raraku said to the fisherman, Haoa. "My house welcomes you."
"I'd rather meet outside," Haoa said curtly. ...
"I'll be blunt," Raraku said. "My father was a fool. Spending the clan's energy on a memorial to himself" -- the huge stone head, still visible in the fading light -- "instead of on honoring the spirits, and seeing to the needs of the people."
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 13, 2005).]
posted
I have a lot of trouble understanding what dialogue means when I don't know something about the person who says it. My first thought was, who are these guys and why are they talking?
[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 13, 2005).]
posted
Maybe we need the full 13 lines...instead of telling us he's the new chief show us. example: Raurku looked out his door, he got alot more vistors now that he was new chief. Outside he saw the ..describe clothes...of a fisherman with his back turned. as he turned he saw it was Hoao....
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
An alternative to posting less than 13 lines might be to just describe the story and ask people to volunteer to read it.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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posted
Description: Chief Raraku asks a commoner to ally with the chief's family in the coming hard times. Historical, flash fiction, and if there were a picture in the text of a big stone head on an island, that wouldn't be amiss.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 14, 2005).]
posted
I don't want to prejudice the readers with anything they won't find in the text -- since on publication there probably won't be any explanations, but just a story. (Robyn, maybe bleep out your post, to avoid spoilers?)
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 14, 2005).]
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