posted
It started as a small task. All I had to do was wander to the cafeteria to get some water from the water cooler, and then turn around and wander back to by greyish cubicle. As I filled the bottle up, one of the lab techs looked at me. He waited patiently until the bottle was full, cap snugly applied, and then he spoke.
"Hey. Did you hear about the gas leak?"
"The gas leak? What gas leak?"
"Here. The one just now. It happened back in the lab. Everyone's dead."
It struck me that someone could say these things with such nonchalance. For a moment, it was as if he was rattling off sports scores. Denver beat Kansas City, Houston trounced St. Louis, and everyone you know is dead. I nervously chuckled, and started to wander off to my desk. About a quarter of the way back to my desk, something struck me. I'd never seen that man in my life. My heart thundered as I raced back to the cafeteria. No one was there at all. The air became dense, thick, burning. I stumbled to the door as visions of colors exploded behind my eyes. An EMT met me about ten feet out, and I collapsed into his arms.
All this, of course, was going to happen tomorrow. I'm Roger, Futuretech safety consultant. I dictated the events of the premonition into my report, and sent it to the head office. Typically, we worry about what happens to our clients and their companies. Now, this was going to happen here.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 20, 2005).]
posted
Welcome to Hatrack, JerrodHenry. I see you're new. Just to let you know, the Fragment and Feedback section has a thirteen-line maximum rule. It's in place for several reasons, one of which is to protect your copyright (if you post too much of a piece online, magazines might consider it "published" and won't buy first serial rights). Another reason is that 13 lines is typically what shows up on the first page of a short story manuscript, and usually that's all you get to hook an editor. It's likely that no one will respond to your post until it's cut back to 13 lines (there have been several arguments with new members over this, and people are getting annoyed at those who won't follow the rules). It's also good to tell us the story's title, how long it is, and if you're looking for readers, or just comments on the first 13.
posted
Well, it was at thirteen lines when it wasn't grammatically correct. I've seen a lot of posts here that go over 13 lines but aren't grammatically correct, so if indeed the 13 lines are what is first seen.. and those thirteen lines are badly formed and would get thrown out.. I figured 15 lines well formed would be a better read and contains much of the hook. If you wish to feel better, omit the last paragraph.
However, that is where the main conflict is delivered.
posted
It started as a small task. All I had to do was wander to the cafeteria to get some water from the water cooler, and then turn around and wander back to by greyish cubicle. As I filled the bottle up, one of the lab techs looked at me. He waited patiently until the bottle was full, cap snugly applied, and then he spoke. "Hey. Did you hear about the gas leak?" "The gas leak? What gas leak?" "Here. The one just now. It happened back in the lab. Everyone's dead." It struck me that someone could say these things with such nonchalance. For a moment, it was as if he was rattling off sports scores. Denver beat Kansas City, Houston trounced St. Louis, and everyone you know is dead. I nervously chuckled, and started to wander off to my desk. About a quarter of the way back to my desk, something struck me. I'd never seen that man in my life. My heart thundered as I raced back to the cafeteria. No one was there at all. The air became dense, thick, burning. I stumbled to the door as visions of colors exploded behind my eyes. An EMT met me about ten feet out, and I collapsed into his arms.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 21, 2005).]
posted
You might want to read Miriel's post again. There are some really good reasons for the 13-line rule, and disregarding the rules and culture here isn't going to get you very far.
1. Cut it to 13 lines. Really. 2. Tell us the word count of the story, and genre (OK, in this case, that's obvious), and 3. ...what you want. Comments on the beginning? Readers for the whole thing?
I find the beginning intriguing, and I like that the flat delivery is NOTICED by the MC (and by the writer!) and shoved up our nose.
quote:I've seen a lot of posts here that go over 13 lines
If you look more carefully, you will also note that the posts in F&F that go over the 13 line rule are made by new members who are swiftly informed that the 13 line rule is the one rigid "don't break it" rule on this site. As Muriel said, there are excellent reasons for the rule.
Puh-LEEZE, I beg of you... we've had a lot of argument from newbies lately about the 13 lines, and we just aren't up for re-hashing it over again. Read the FAQ about posting to the F&F section and to determine how to calculate 13 lines, and use the "search" feature on this website if you care to see the long diatribe that goes along with the 13 line violation.
Now, that said... it was a great opener. I liked the MC's reaction to the nonchalant rendition of the accident, and he shock at realizing he's witnessed an event that hasn't taken place. You'll want to do something soon to make this scenario different than "Minority Report." It's just a little too close for comfort and feels a little too much like a re-do of an already-done concept. Hopefully you'll have your own unique spin on it that will show up right away.
Beyond that, I think your structure and phrasing are good. It's a hook. Sadly, time prevents me from offering to read and crit past this point, however.
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