posted
I'm submitting 15 lines because otherwise i have to break off in the middle of what someone is saying. I hope that's okay. The title is just a working title.
<<Mira could hear the voices of the doctors and scientists even over the buzzing of medical equipment. They discussed their findings openly, as if she weren’t in the room. “Most unusual. Like a chameleon, she matches the most dominant person in the room.” “She experiences what they are feeling; emotionally. She has made it clear numerous times that she cannot read thoughts,” added another, more squeaky voice. “You can see it in the heat scopes,” she heard the end of a pencil rap on a moniter, “If a person is feeling strongly in even the general vicinity she absorbs it and then is able to channel the emotion into physical shows like Ice fields, or what she calls ‘pushes’ of cold or warmth. Even displays of fire, strong winds or small breezes. She can pull water into pools out of the air. She can set things on fire from her feet. Merely by being near someone she is affected.” “Are these ‘shows’ emitted from a certain apendage?” “You mean like her hands or her eyes? No. It just comes from HER. This isn’t like an episode of Charmed or Danny Phantom! This activity has been scientifically documented for three years. And it doesn’t come from her.” >>
Any feedback would be great. Thanks.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 23, 2005).]
posted
The 13 line rule is not flexible. We understand if it forces you to break off in mid-sentence; that happens some time. You might review the FAQ section for the way to measure your 13 lines and the nuances of posting it.
My impression is that you are disguising a lot of exposition as dialog, and it's coming across as an info-dump. It also has a lot of references to her having 'it', but you don't quite define what 'it' is.
I suspect you've started the story in the wrong place. My recommendation is to back up and start earlier. This info dump/dialog reads almost like a flashback. Maybe you could start us out at the point that Mira realizes she has these interesting powers.
posted
Elan's exactly right. Virtually the entire section comes off as a great info dump, which your readers will recognize at once for what it is. They'll "drop out" of your story, they'll remember that it's a story and not a movie playing their head, and they'll be turned off.
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posted
The thing I miss the most in this passage is that the MC (main character) is not part of it. She's listening, but there's no reaction from her. Is she proudly grinning on her bed? Is she ringing her hands in worry? Is she sighing? If you cut back on the dialogue, try not to fit all of her abilities into the first bit, and show more of the main character, you might be able to start here. Though it's worth mentioning that pulling off that kind of scene would probably be a lot harder than just following Elan's suggestion and finding a different place to start -- it's excellent advice.
[This message has been edited by Miriel (edited August 23, 2005).]
posted
The others have already embodied my opinions, so I will say my one major nitpick.
Who or what is Charmed and Danny Phantom? Seriously, I know what both are, but many will not.
Plus, I get an immature feel from the whole story. This is implied through the title (diaries usually make me think of some preppy "like oh-my-god", cheerleader who saves the world, is popular, and makes straight A's.) and the use of pop television references. Plus, it feels like an episode of either show with the scientists saying, "As you all already know, (insert the plot here), but being that you all are intelligent scientists I must make a quick comparison to something simple to water it down for you"
If you were shooting for this story to be an "excerpt" from some giggly preteen's diary, you succeeded, but it just doesn't blend well with the whole sci-fi thing.
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 23, 2005).]
posted
A little more on the info dump feel. I felt like I was being "told" (info being dumped, rather than being "shown" painting a picture and let me see what it is as you go etc.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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It takes a while to understand how this place works, but don't get discouraged! There's a lot to be learned here
I don't mind your title, and I like stories about people with super powers -- but it's the people that I care about more than their powers. So the best thing you can do with a story like this is to show more of Mira. Put her in a confrontational situation where the reader can feel her reactions and see her using her unique channeling abilities right off the bat. Then you'll have 'em hooked.
posted
Thanks, Varishta. Well, this was my first time. Hopefully I'll get better. I finally let my husband read it, and he said the some of the same things. I probably should have clarified that this wasn't the intended beginning of the story. But, in truth, I don't know that it would have made a difference. I'll rework it and try again. Thanks for the help. P.S. The name I posted isn't the name I intend to use. I'll post it under the 'real' name next time. It's "Passionata" Thanks again.
Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2005
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