Alexander Bel Riose was late to class, again. He ran down the tediously long corridors looking for his class. His boots making loud squeaking noises that echoed across the university. Alexander was 27 years old and had previously served in the military as commander of a bombing ship. Despite the fact that he was now late to class and running down the hall Lex (as he liked to be called) had a great sense of poise and grace in a room. This came from a strict noble upbringing, (his father a senator for the galactic republic, and mother on the council of planetary affairs). Lex had sharp piercing eyes that would bore into your soul, analyzing and summing you up. He had a certain fire about his countenance. Everything was purposeful and controlled, from his dark oily locks to his most intricate schemes.

What I didn't: I don't have a reason to care yet about the story. Someone's late for class. What makes it special? Tell us up front -- or take us to the part that IS special.

Some other suggestions.

You've picked omniscient POV. (If you don't know what I mean, get a copy of Characters & Viewpoint by Card. Even if you do, get a copy -- it's the best writing book I've ever read!) Omniscient viewpoint is no sin, but most people think you should only do it if there's a good reason. You might try instead going inside Lex's head -- see things thoroughly from his POV.

>Despite the fact that he was now late to class and running down the hall Lex (as he liked to be called) had a great sense of poise and grace in a room. ... His skin was a smooth creamy shade of gold, revealing his Latino origins from Earth.

Whatever's happening, let's stay with it -- no need to interrupt to explain Lex's background. What you have here is a break in the story to give us an information dump. You can probably give us this information as it becomes relevant.

Alexander Bel Riose was late to class, again. He ran down the tediously long corridors looking for his class. His boots making loud squeaking noises that echoed across the university. @@@The previous sentence would work better combined with the one before that, like so: He ran down the tediously long corridors looking for his class, his boots squeaking loudly.@@@Alexander was 27 years old and had previously served in the military as commander of a bombing ship. Despite the fact that he was now late to class and running down the hall Lex (as he liked to be called) had a great sense of poise and grace in a room. @@@These comments such as his poise etc., should be shown in an actual encounter in a room, instead of related to the reader in a large exposition of description. The same can be said with most of the other description in this passage. @@@This came from a strict noble upbringing, (his father a senator for the galactic republic, and mother on the council of planetary affairs). Lex had sharp piercing eyes that would bore into your soul, analyzing and summing you up. He had a certain fire about his countenance. Everything was purposeful and controlled, from his dark oily locks to his most intricate schemes. His skin was a smooth creamy shade of gold, revealing his Latino origins from Earth. When he reached the door he skidded to a halt straitened up his clothes and walked in with what seemed to be submissive poise. This however did not go over to well with Dr. Halberdman, a strict teacher who cared more about punctuality than intelligence.@@@Show these two interacting, then bring in some of the description with it, but only a little at a time. Large passages of description drag a story down. Let us see Lex through someone else's eyes, or through his actions. I agree with the pov choice--that it should be limited to one character per scene, and don't get into the heads of everyone in the scene (omniscient). Good beginning though@@@

Shane

One thing that bothered me is why is a former commander going to school. Don't commanders have to have some type of schooling before becomming a commander?