posted
6k words. Looking for some crits on opening, please
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Bethany puts a hand on my shoulder and asks if I want a light.
I take the cigarette from my lips and hold in two trembling fingers, twirling it by the filter like a screwdriver. "Rather have a bump," I say, and toss it into the pond.
With a Bic already half-way out of her pocket, Bethany shrugs and puts it back. "Niel said he'll be here, gorgeous, just wait."
It's the third time she's told me that and I cringe a little, and say, "You need to get a new dealer." I watch my cig floating in the murky water, algae already covering it in a thin film. "He's a senior in ****ing highschool; you want punctuality, you go college and up."
"Funny," she says. "Go fish out your smoke and keep your mouth busy, I'm tired of hearing it."
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited October 10, 2005).]
The present tense implies an immediacy, but nothing whatsoever has happened as yet. Two people appear to be waiting to score. The story will only start when something actually happens - maybe the dealer turns up, maybe there's something else planned.
And "bump" is ambiguous. From context, it appears to be a drug term (if it is, I'm not familiar with it - not that it's my area of expertise), but it could be read in a different light, as an overtly sexual come-on.
That aside, it's perfectly competently written; didn't see any POV problems, dialogue was convincing, description was nicely balanced.
posted
I'm not hooked, but it's not my sort of genre. Beyond that, it doesn't look like anything interesting is happening, or going to happen.
You might consider switching the name-brand of "Bic" with the more generic "a lighter." Two reasons: Oversea readers might be confused and not know what a "Bic" is. The other issue is that Bic is a trademarked brand name, and (provided this gets to the point of publication) if the company doesn't wish to be affiliated with your story, you'll be dealing with corporate lawyers and some legal hassles that would be easiest to simply bypass. It's far better to keep brand names out of your writing.
posted
That is not true. You can use a brand name all you want. It's a part of life, a character may use it. The company can't grump unless she's playing Bic off as stealing souls for lighter fluid or something (...though that'd be sorta fun), and even then, they'd be very hard put to pull it off. They have no legal right to say anything about it simply being in your story.
Otherwise, it needs just a little something more to start it off. I'm pretty much hooked already, just because the character's seem interesting.. but I'd throw in a little something more for tension. Like the main character is starting to go through withdrawal, or start off with the deal itself. I think this shows off their relationship a bit though.
The only thing that really made me quirk a brow was that I've never known any smoker to casually toss a cigarette away. They all act like each one is precious and not to be wasted. Of course, I'm used to hanging out with people low on money...
And I'd add something small, like that Bethany is saying for her to get the cigarette sarcastically.. because a cigarette that soaked is fairly useless to retrieve. It'd take so long to dry, it's not worth it, not to mention if it's floating around in algae filled water, it's gonna taste horrid to smoke. Though previously wet cigs don't taste that great anyway.
posted
The ending doesn't grab me quickly and it should in a short story. You might get away with a longer wait for action in a novel, but you don't really have the time in a short story.
Also, the present tense if throws readers off. I wouldn't use it unless it is critical to the story.
I question why anyone would tell someone else to fish a cigarette out of a algae-covered pond. Who would want it?
The opening has a "film noir" kind of feel to it. Nothing wrong with that, but if the rest of the story has a gangster type of feel to it, it will be seen as cliche even if it is updated with drugs instead of rum-running.
posted
True, not a whole lot appears to be happening here, but the quality of the writing has such an easy confidence to it that I'd read on anyway purely because the style had me hooked, if nothing else -
- and I love that last line!
quote:"Go fish out your smoke and keep your mouth busy, I'm tired of hearing it."
posted
I beg pardon, but I must raise a small quibble with ThisProteanSoul, who said:
quote:That is not true. You can use a brand name all you want. It's a part of life, a character may use it. The company can't grump unless she's playing Bic off as stealing souls for lighter fluid or something.
There are two issues here. Is fair use of trademark names legal? Yes, it is, within limits. Is it highly likely that you will suffer grief from using a trademark name? That will depend a great deal on the company who's trademark you are using, and whether your manuscript ever makes it into the public's eye.
The point I was trying to make is that the author should be fully aware of the legal issues involved with use of trademark names. Some companies: Disney, McDonalds, Lands End, to name a few, actually troll for trademark infringements.
quote:Legal doctrine defines fair use of a trademark as the "reasonable and good faith use of a descriptive term that is another's trademark to describe rather than to identify the user's goods, services or business".
quote:Is the use contributing to the dilution of the trademark? Dilution is the legal concept where a "famous" trademark that is so frequently used becomes generic in the mind of the buying public. Common examples of dilution are the trademarks Kleenex and Band-Aid, which have come to refer to all brand names for tissues and adhesive bandages. Unless it is necessary, an author should try to use the generic term instead of the trademark.
Swimming Bird's use of the term "Bic" as stated above is an example of dilution of trademark... that is, it's used as a generic term for a lighter and not as a way to describe the lighter.
I'm not aware of Bic Corporation employing the same shark-tactics used by Disney and McDonalds. Maybe you'd get by with it. *shrug* Maybe not. I have a background in advertising, and I got a "bad on you" letter once from the company that makes Kitty Litter [TM] cat litter, stating emphatically that Kitty Litter [TM} is a brand name and not to be used as a generic name. Trust me. Companies DO care about this.
The point I was trying to make is, why set yourself up for the trouble in the first place??
But... it's not my story. Do what you wish. My job was simply to report to you a potential problem.
{Edited because it seems I can NEVER catch all the typos before I hit "Submit Now".}
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited October 10, 2005).]
posted
I'm not one much for present tense prose, but if you want to do that, by all means, go ahead. I think it tends to be a bit harder to work with because, as tchernabyelo said, it implies a sense of immediacy. So when there's nothing much happening, it hinders the flow of the story, IMO. I'm expecting something to happen...and nothing is. I feel cheated.
So far, nothing has happened in your story. There's two characters sitting and talking but not much else. I think there needs to be some sort of action.
Also, as others have said before, it would be all right to have this sort of exposition at the beginning where nothing happens if it were a novel. With a novel, you have the time to set up the story, the setting, and to develop characters. In a short story, however, you don't have that kind of time and the actual story becomes more important than most everything else. So let's see something interesting happening at the beginning.
quote:Am I the only one that felt this character would have called a cigarette a fag?
I didn't, but then I think of "fag" as a British term for a cigarette (none of my US friends who smoke have ever used the term, that I can recall - not entirely surprising, given the alternative meaning in the US, that tends not to abbreviated here in the UK from "faggot"), and I certainly took the characters as being American from the highschool/college references.
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