posted
I'm new here, and this is my first short story (or any kind of story for that matter). It is not completly down on paper yet, but getting closer by the week.
As far as the 13-line rule, does the space between paragraphs count as a line???
Anyhow, here's what I have. I'm anxious for feedback. Thanks in advance to those who respond.
Even from a distance, he could feel the fear in her eyes. Donning the slack, white robes of the Chosen, she had turned around halfway up the steps carved deep into the great well, and cried for mercy. Her voice was drowned out by the dull hum of the wind, but still the sight sent shivers down his spine.
"Why did she have to turn around?" Seth agonized to himself.
Next came the part he hated the most.
The twenty members of the Great Council of the Fins, forming a loose circle immediately around the well, each pivoted in unison, heads held high, and cast their eyes and ears away from their supplicant’s torment.
posted
13 lines, when taken from a document with 1-inch margins in 12-point font. Blank lines don't count.
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Even from a distance, he could feel the fear in her eyes. [GIVE THEM NAMES IMMEDIATELY. WHY NOT?] Donning the slack, white robes of the Chosen, she had turned around halfway up the steps carved deep into the great well, and cried for mercy. Her voice was drowned out by the dull hum of the wind, but still the sight sent shivers down his spine. [STRICTLY SPEAKING, SHE ONLY DONNED 1 ROBE. WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? SETH KNOWS, SO TELL US UP FRONT. THEN WE CAN CARE MORE ABOUT HIS DISTRESS.]
"Why did she have to turn around?" Seth agonized to himself. [WHY DOES THAT MATTER? TELL US!]
Next came the part he hated the most. [TELL US WHY!]
... their supplicant’s torment. [SUPPLICANT, SINGULAR. SOMEHOW I THOUGHT SHE HAD COMPANY.] ========
I think this could hook me, but at present, I don't know what he knows, so I can't understand or relate to his reactions. Tell me everything that's relevant, and I think I'll care.
[GIVE THEM NAMES IMMEDIATELY. WHY NOT?] -Well, because she's about to go into the well, never to be seen or heard from again. Seth doesn't know her name. Knowing she is a Chosen is important.
[STRICTLY SPEAKING, SHE ONLY DONNED 1 ROBE] -Fair point.
[WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? SETH KNOWS, SO TELL US UP FRONT. THEN WE CAN CARE MORE ABOUT HIS DISTRESS.] -Well, I'm, building up to this. Is "see lines 15-19" a good enough answer? Hmmm...I will think about this.
[WHY DOES THAT MATTER? TELL US!] -I agree, I could add another sentence here to explain his thoughts.
[TELL US WHY!] -This becomes self-explainatory in the next paragraph (of which you only see the first sentence).
[SUPPLICANT, SINGULAR. SOMEHOW I THOUGHT SHE HAD COMPANY.] -Why did you think that? Did robes through you. If there is something that makes you imagine multiple people, I should clear this up.
[I think this could hook me, but at present, I don't know what he knows, so I can't understand or relate to his reactions. Tell me everything that's relevant, and I think I'll care.] -Now I'm appreciating the challange of writing a good first 13 lines. There's a lot to stuff in using just a few words.
quote:[WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? SETH KNOWS, SO TELL US UP FRONT. THEN WE CAN CARE MORE ABOUT HIS DISTRESS.] -Well, I'm, building up to this. Is "see lines 15-19" a good enough answer? Hmmm...I will think about this.
IMHO, no. I want to understand the distress _before_ I observe it -- so that rather than being alienated, I can be involved.
Something I got from the OSC class: provide info that readers will want to know *no later than* they want it.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited October 26, 2005).]
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