posted
As long as Ben could remember he had wanted to be a pilot. Ben's dad had been a pilot in the great war and when he confessed his ambitions his father was fully emulated. Ben was taking lessons before he could drive, and had blown through twenty three hundred of the old mans money before he graduated high school. That finally xxssed the old guy off, and he made Ben get a job to pay for his flying.
Ben's dad wanted him in the military, but he wanted none of it. Instead opting for four years at BYU in accounting where he met and married his sweetheart Melissa.
posted
Assuming this is, as it appears to be, a plot summary, and what you want is advice on whether or not you should continue to develop this into a story:
I think the plot you have presented is worth developing into a story and that it has sufficient potential for originality. I liked the non-military pilot aspect of it.
posted
Thanks pantros, uhm... it's the first 13 or so lines of a complete short story. I wrote it for a fellow who was looking for students. As I cant put more in the fragment... It's not about jets and it's not about pilots
posted
If the story isn't about jets or pilots you might want to consider jumping to where the story begins and working this backstory in then. As it stands now, it is too distant to grab me.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Thank you for the comment. But if the 1st 13 lines dont hold your attention then perhaps you will quit reading?
Posts: 48 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Right, I probably wouldn't read much past this since it's told in summary form. I suspect that if you cut this section altogether and start later in the story that you will be able to work this information in to the main body of the story.
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posted
Yes. I suggest you zoom into a particular time and space.
Ben and Melissa were visiting at his parents house. At the breakfast table, Ben thought, if Dad brings up this pilot thing again, I'll, well, I don't know what I'll do, but it won't be pretty.
Dad's face peeked out from behind his usual hiding place: a newspaper. "There's an air show today," Dad said.
OK, that's not your story, but it is in-the-moment action. That's what I'd love to see.
posted
I second Wbriggs. You've got to get us in the moment. You probably just started in the wrong place but it's an easy mistake to make. The best rule for this sort of thing is: start where the trouble begins. Where does the action, or the impact, really take place in your tale? Let's get to that moment. Then you can show us along the way all this stuff about Ben's past and how it fits.
posted
I don't know why, but I like this close-cropped style.
It seems to suggest that I am going to get a lot of 'bang for my bucks' or in other words, it is going to be a series of rapid-fire cues delivered in a sequence designed to make a single, larger point.
The lines are heavy-laden with ideas and that is potentially a very fulfilling read but also potentially tiring if it goes too long or incorporates ideas that aren't essential to the premise. I think a strength/weakness of the style will be to focus the reader on mechanics, structure, word use ie: get it wrong and the story falls down hard, get it right and it could soar. For example, I tripped-up on the word 'emulated' which does not seem like the right 'fit'. And that line that tells how he blew 2300 of his father's money seems to be missing the word 'bucks' or 'dollars' or something.
I would also be very careful about how you use changes of pace. You can build up a sense of momentum but may frustrate the reader by slowing it up too much.
So, in general, I agree with the others who suggested that we should get in closer to the events that drive this story but add that I like the style but that it may not be everyone's cup of tea.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 13, 2005).]
posted
The story isn't about jets or pilots; it's about fathers and sons (or at least it should be).
quote:You've got to get us in the moment.
This is where I don't agree. It's not a temporal thing. Writing need not be temporal. The moment doesn't have to be compellling, but the phenomena(and I use that in the richest sense possible) needs to be compelling. We should be struck by the phenomena of Bill-and-his-father-and-Melissa-in-the-world, and to do that, we need of series of decisions, which you give us.
The only reason I don't like this piece is because it doesn't seem that you have a handle on the story, but I do like it because it seems that you almost do.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited November 15, 2005).]
posted
Tanglier, fathers and sons is certainly part of the glue I used in the story. As are husbands and their wives. That's why it's out front along with family and religion and work ethic (not shown). But that is not what the story is about. It's part of the framework to make it compelling. (he said :-). To tell you what the story is about would wreck it for you.
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