posted
I haven't decided which chapter to start with, so here are two. There three different POV characters who meet in college, and the first three chapters are all independently dealing with their senior years in high school:
quote:At Orange County Championships, 1994, Claymore Roe fell in love. He was in high youth, son of a house painter and a nurse, named Derrick Roe and Sarah Roe, respectively, and the younger brother of an artist, Pandora Roe.
Derrick and Sarah had plucked their only daughter’s name from the glossary: “Pandora - Gift for All.” Six years later, Pandora had returned from school in tears, after learning that her mythical namesake had brought the whole of human evils into the world. Pandora’s storied legacy caught Derrick unaware, and as Derrick did not take to being surprised by myths or schoolteachers, he demanded
or this one
quote: Every sunday for three years, Miles Gulliver walked his beat through the pews of St. Boniface. When he presented the offering basket among the congregation, the hard-faced altar boy, reminiscent of the Angel Gabriel, exacted a full ten percent tithe on the strength of his chin.
During the week he employed similar qualities as a linebacker on the Servite High School football team. Miles' boyish aspects left him upon puberty, then the natural step seemed to fit him for shoulder pads and teach him to hit. Perhaps the church attendants glimpsed what violence lay behind Miles' cavernous eyes when their fingers scanned the insides of their wallets, as the boy, dressed in all white, back lit by the stations of the cross through
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 15, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited November 15, 2005).]
posted
These are way longer than the 13 line limit, and they'll be edited just as soon as KDW gets here.
The second one has a touch of humour to it, a lightness that seems slightly lacking in the first. Both are very precisely written, but they have a dryness and a distance that I suspect won't be to everyone's cup of tea. However the precision of the writing gives it a kind of distinct voice of its own, though I think you would have difficulty keeping a reader involved across the length of a novel with that dispassionate and distant style.
One nit: I think "certainty in" or "certainty of" would be better than "surety on", when talking about Claymore Carson.
posted
Tanglier, why not save our moderator some work, and go ahead and reduce your text to 13 lines (as measured in a Courier 12 point document w/ 1-inch margins)?
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Love the voice. I thought they both possessed the same sort of humor--very enjoyable. The distance doesn't bother me. I feel I'm getting to know the characters BETTER than I would by being in their head. One thing--the second entry seems stuck on the point that Miles is an alter boy every Sunday and is good at getting $ for his church. I think the last two lines can be cut with no loss of content.
Posts: 184 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
This may be a case of personal preference, so take my comment with that in mind:
I liked the first very much. The interesting hook makes me wonder if Claymore will discover something not-so-good about his own name, or if the origin of his name will lead him in a certain direction. I want to know more.
My (big!) problem with your first selection is that it starts by focusing in very specifically on Claymore and his falling in love. That's the very first sentence. Then we hear nothing more about that. Not a peep. At all. For much more than 13 lines, and my guess is it doesn't get mentioned right away after your snippet either.
If you're going to lead with the falling in love bit, then you MUST follow up on that. Cool as your other stuff is, you have to save all that for later or tie it in to the lead.
But because the other part was so successful as a hook (in my case), I say ditch the love thing for now and just start with what you have. (Ditch as in save for later, not throw out the whole idea.)
PS - The little story about Derrick asking that the teacher be fired was FABULOUS at painting a picture of his personality for us. Don't get rid of that.
Another thought about his personality: you have characterized him as the one who decides. You say, "In naming his son," instead of <i>their</i> son, and you refer to him deliberating with Sarah. As if it's his decision and her opinion is secondary. If that's what you were going for, bravo. If not, I'm pointing it out to you.
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