posted
Hey, folks. I've been concentrating furiously (well, as furiously as possible, what with college and all) on this fantasy story, and was wondering if anyone would be interested in reading the first 4.2 single-spaced pages...about 1,941 words that make up my first chapter segment. As my title states, the story has been slightly rewritten (the opening--but not main--character's name being one obvious change).
If you'd rather just comment on the new first 13, please feel free to do so, though I've already had independent (non-Hatrack) input on that and am fairly set on keeping it as is.
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The old man, called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke, swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. They were encroaching on his master’s land. His former master’s land, he reminded himself grimly. Jurgen still could not bring himself to think of the new lord of Overheld Manor as his liege. His ‘new’ master was a much different man than Egarin Ucedren. He was cruel, and amazingly childish at times, but smart in his own way. Almost like the cunning of a weasel, that.
The new master’s name was Koban Feltekio--Lord Koban Feltekio, as he insisted upon being called at least forty times a day. He was the son of the local mage...a man called Dunman to his face, ‘Dung-man’ to his very distant back. -------------------------------------------
Thanks again, in advance, for any and all comments and/or offers to read.
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Well I hope your feedback told you that there are huge POV violations as well as repetitious writing in this section. from that we go on to exposition completely unconnected, as far as the reader is concerned, to what is happening in the first paragraph. Basically, this reads as a disorganised mess. You throw a hook into the first paragraph and then discard it by going into wandering exposition.
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posted
What threw me off was that you begin with the tree-creatures that (I'm assuming) are about to attack, but then you digress into what Jurgen thinks about his master. So I'm kind of confused about where the conflict is focused, the trees or the leadership.
However, I'm still kind of interested. I'll read, if you want.
posted
There's one thing that bothers me. It's in your first sentance, and It just caught my eye.
quote:The old man, called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke, swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him.
I think that the section in bold would work better as a separate sentance. It just seems wordy and unnecessary, and makes the sentance seem awkward and long. Like, maybe have it as something like this:
quote:The old man swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. He was called Jurgen by the few to whom he actually spoke.
[This message has been edited by Valtam2 (edited February 01, 2006).]
posted
It's very wordy. Good descriptions and I agree, a bit disorganized. Follow one idea through to another and tie them together.
The old man, called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke, swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. Maybe: Jurgen had lived on this land so long he had seen it change hands many times. He preferred his former master and could not bring himself to think of Lord Koban Feltekio as his liege. This man was much younger than he ...
Now, can a Lord be the son of a Mage? I thought and maybe I'm mistaken, but a mage is a magician. Was this man's mother a Lady? I might need an explanation of heirarchy.
posted
I liked the second version better. This one tries to jam in too much background too soon. Still, I'm willing to read. Send it to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
What others said, but especially: if I saw tree-creatures coming at me, I wouldn't take time out to think about local politics.
Yes, it's a problem getting that background information in. Two fixes:
"First paragraph is free": tell us the background *before* the tree-creatures.
In the moment: when it becomes relevant what Jurgen thinks of the boss, tell us. It may be relevant right then, but we don't know why yet. Something like
The tree-creatures were coming. Was he going to stay and defend the new lord's territory -- that weasel who'd beaten Jurgen's favorite nephew, and called Jurgen's cat a bastard? Jurgen ran.
posted
I'm with Dude--I liked the earlier version better. But I'm interested in finding out more about the evil trees, so I'll read.
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posted
Yeah. I hate it when I do this...rewrite something, thinking I've improved upon the original, only to seriously screw the pooch. Perhaps a synthesis of the original post and the new POV character version would function better.
-------------------------------------------- Jurgen swore under his breath as he surveyed the stand of surprisingly tall tree-creatures before him. They were encroaching on his land...his old master’s land, which now belonged to another. The forest had been cleared to make way for farmland long before any ironwoods had migrated to the region. He had been there, felling trees alongside Egarin Ucedren, himself. Now that Egarin was dead...well, Jurgen didn’t enjoy contemplating the current state of affairs.
The tree-creatures had no legitimate claim to plant their young here, and they knew it. What Jurgen couldn’t figure out was how the trespassers had matured so quickly. He studied the eldest ‘sapling’ for a moment, amazed at its height and girth. -------------------------------------------
Better? Now I just have to figure out how to seamlessly integrate it with the rest of the story.
[Edited: removed erroneous line]
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited February 01, 2006).]
This phrase, *called Jurgen by those to whom he actually spoke*, is awkward. How about something like "The old man was called Jurgen, at least by those who knew him."
*surprisingly tall tree-creatures* When I imagine tree creatures, they are already tall. I am not able to imagine *surprisingly tall* variants, unless I have some context for this.
*His former master’s land* *new lord of Overheld Manor* *Egarin Ucedren* These all introduced in the same sentence makes the sentence too busy, and hard to follow.
*cruel *amazingly childish* *smart* These do not go well together. IMO, you got it right in the next line when you wrote "cunning of a weasel," and I like the fact that you didn't use the well-worn and fraying "cunning of a fox." Advice: drop the word smart all together, or replace it with a more appropriate word.
*as he insisted upon being called at least forty times a day* The specification of 40 does not play right, IMO. Ten, a dozen, a hundred, or better yet, "Yesterday he corrected me nine times; I bristled each time he insisted on the recitation of his full title."
I like the intention, but I think the narrative misses the mark somehow. It sounds like the beginnings of an interesting story with plenty of conflict.
posted
I'll have a look if you want, but be prepared that it may be a bit harsh. My critting instincts are overwhelming my other sensibilities right now. And give me a few days to return... Life oh life...
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