posted
This is a fairly polished first novel Just wondering what people think and would you read on. *** Pink pulled a ragged bundle of cloth from the hollowed-out tree. Flitting from shadow to shadow she fled down the winding trail, away from the great stone manor of Hallowisp farm. When she dared to stop and look back, the forest hid even the flickering glare of lamps at the front door.
Her heart raced. In spite of the chill night air, sweat beaded on her forehead, burning as it ran into the cut on the left side of her face. Purpling bruises ached when she bent to open her bundle of stolen possessions.
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited February 16, 2006).]
posted
You might want to slow down a bit, or go ahead and start where you're trying to go in such a hurry.
If you start with her retrieving her cache, then go ahead and let us know things like what time of day it is, where this tree stands in relation to the manor house, and other general milieu information that might help establish us. It would make a better start that way.
That said, the writing isn't incompetent or anything, and the setup seems interesting. So I'd read more at another time.
posted
Hollowed out tree makes me think of a tree that was hollowed out by someone…is that your intent.
I got a real sense Pink was scared, which is good. Did not understand how she could flick from shadow to shadow at night…was there a moon? I would read on a little more as long as I got a good idea of why she was running away and to where she was running soon.
posted
An interesting start. I liked it. I like the name Pink for a character, just so long as she is not very girly, or that would be a bit corny. Also, I was a slightly confused about the beginning line. You have Pink retrieving a bundle of cloth, but then, the very next sentence, you have her running from the farm. Is the tree just outside the farm, she grabs the cloth, and then runs? Do you begin with her opening the bundle, then jump back to an image of how she got to that particular hollowed out tree? It's not a big error. Some minor tweaks would make it clear.
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posted
I like the pacing, the patter of the opening. I like the name "Pink" too. Not so odd that it's off-putting. Just quirky enough to draw the eye. Good, gradual opening of detail - like the sting of sweat in a cut to lead into description of bruises, etc. Like the poster above, I have the sense you're rushing. Don't give this scene short shrift in order to get where you're going.
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posted
I liked it. The title's what hooked me, curious about how you'll work it into the story. A bit more detail in where she is and perhaps a slight slowing of the pace. I'd be interested in reading more.
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posted
I spent the whole time wondering what was in that bundle of cloth (I did find out eventually, but it spoiled the enjoyment until then). I also kept wondering why she was running.
This would work so much better if you just told us. "Pink was a slave to Master Booboo of Hallowisp farm -- but no longer. The things she'd stolen from Master Booboo, to help her make her way in the world, were in a ragged bundle of cloth in the hollowed-out tree just ahead. She pulled ...
posted
Apparently Master Booboo left his namesake on the side of her face! (sorry I couldn't resist)
Aside from what's already been said, I would capitalize Hallowisp Farm.
Also, you say "flitting" which typically implies flying, so I am wondering if that is what you really mean. It's hard to tell in the first 13. Maybe Pink is a tree nymph or sprite or some such?
posted
In its current form, I don't think I would read on.
My issue is that we don't know what is going on, and I get the feeling I should. Pink knows why she is running, cut and bruised. We should too. I'm not sure where I first read it (OSC?), but keeping information from the reader for suspense is generally not a good idea. If the MC doesn't know, then OK. Otherwise, we should know.
I think the imagery and general writing is done well, and with some adjustments, I think I would continue reading.
I agree with those who have said that you should describe Pink getting to the hollow tree at least, and give us a glimpse into her thoughts/feelings/emotions at the same time. Right now, all I see is a bruised girl running through the woods; with no indication of whether she's scared, or angry, or happy, or anything. The only indication you have for any sort of glimpse into her head is that "Her heart raced," which could just be from the exertion of running.
In short, in order for me to want to read on, I have to feel for the character. I don't feel for Pink.
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