posted
This is technically the beginning of second chapter, but the story has a rotating cast, so at this point you don’t need to know what came before.
I’m in the process of rewriting this chapter, as I thought the first try was way too stiff and unnatural. Just trying to see if I’m on the righttrack.
quote:Anfaney Dahl ate a late dinner with his wife, but late dinners were nothing new. Something always seemed to prevent them from keeping a normal schedule. If it wasn’t Anfaney’s job with the DEA, it was Vanessa’s position as an assistant curator at the Chrysler Museum. When the weekend rolled around, either one of them could be called in at any time. Sundays meant church, which usually didn’t let out until nearly three in the afternoon. They would eat lunch shortly thereafter, and wouldn’t be hungry for dinner until later in the evening.
This Sunday was no different, and at eight-thirty at night they ate at Freemason Abbey, sitting on the low-lit second floor across from the high stained glass windows. Anfaney enjoyed the
JOHN!
[This message has been edited by JOHN (edited March 07, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 07, 2006).]
posted
Sounds like an info dump. You don't really give us a reason to care about the charachters. If you want to catch the reader and make them want to keep reading then you need some sort of conflict. Action is a good way to go. SHOW them doing things instead of telling us about it.
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This is the second chapter, so we have no knowledge of what went before and therefore hard to comment on. To me it does not feel particularly stiff or unnatural as you say your first version did. However, there is much about time and how it is spent. Because of this, the story almost seems to be coming right out of a day planner. I'm wondering how this advances the story.
posted
There is a whole lot of mundane discription. The lives of a busy married couple are much the same, why should I care about these people.
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Just a little character background to begin the chapter, and to show the setting. They're religious, they're professionals, given their professions of choice they're fairly well-off (lobster is an easily affordable meal.) They're schedule is busy, so dinner together out is a bit of a stress-relief and something each looks forward to.
The main focus will be on Anfaney. His pager is about to go off and he's to be called in to work a surveillance mission on the characters from the first chapter. So, the reader would need to know what he does for a living.
In one sense it seems info-dumpy to me as well, but from what little set up I have, there’s a lot of subtle characteristics given.
The day planner stuff also bothers me, but with the rotating POV, I need to make sure the reader understands this is still happening chronologically.
Another thing I should've mentioned is this is the readers' intorduction to these characters. The first chapter has nothing to do with them.
posted
I think you've hit upon the problem with this opening in what you have already written.
"This Sunday was no different" In other words, a boring day as described. If that is the case, then start the story somewhere else. There's no hook here to be seen.
Also, I have a hard time believing an assistant curator at a museum would be to be on call every weekend. What for?
The writing style is OK, but the content needs to be more interesting.
posted
Most of the first paragraph is superfluous at this point and could easily be worked in later IF it is relevant information. I'd say keep the first two sentences, and *maybe* the third if it's fairly important to know their occupations, and combine them with the second paragraph. Something like:
Anfaney Dahl ate a late Sunday dinner with his wife, but late dinners were nothing new. Something always seemed to prevent them from keeping a normal schedule. Tonight, they ate at Freemason Abbey, sitting on the low-lit second floor across from the high stained glass windows...
Then get us into what's important. I'm mildly curious the reason the church was converted, and why the restaurant is called Freemason Abbey, since Freemasons generally meet in Lodges, not abbeys.
quote: I'm mildly curious the reason the church was converted, and why the restaurant is called Freemason Abbey, since Freemasons generally meet in Lodges, not abbeys.
The story is planted firmly in Hampton Roads, VA (Virginia Beach, Norfolk, Chesapeake, Portsmouth...) and the Freemason Abbey is actually a real restaurant in downtown Norfolk.
posted
I'm not as turned off by the info-dump, probably because with novels, I'm more patient. And, this sort of reminds me of the beginning of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, where the first paragraph is devoted to how normal Mr. Dursley is, and then the weird stuff happens.
I think, though, that the second paragraph is redundant. You've already told me that late dinners were nothing new, so I already assume that the Sunday is no different either. I'd rather get into what's about to happen.
quote: [T]he Freemason Abbey is actually a real restaurant in downtown Norfolk.
Didn't know that, and I've been to Norfolk (and the Hampton Roads area) on a number of occasions. Still, it is a bit odd sounding if you know anything at all about Freemasonry.
posted
This might be an example of one of those times when "truth is stranger than fiction."
Which is why, unless the Freemason Abbey is crucial to your plot, and you expect your readers to care enough that they will go look up the restaurant and find out about it, it might be better to pick a more believable restaurant name that won't be as likely to throw the readers out of the story.
posted
Kathleen has a good point. And if it's important that it be Freemason Abbey, you can comment in the moment, as in "at Freemason Abbey -- yes, that was its name, odd as it was --"
About the fragment:
* You tell us at least twice, IMJ, that this is dull. (no different from any other, for example.) Readers are suggestible! Just cut those, I think.
* Do tell us up front what the struggle is. This isn't a hard and fast rule, but it would help me be interested.
* We have to go through paragraph 1 before we find out the location. Easily fixed: Anfaney Dahl at a late dinner with his wife, at Freemason Abbey, a low-lit second-floor eatery ...
posted
My comment -- I agree pretty much with the comments preceding mine -- is that you can make the business about how regularly they dine late more interesting for the reader. Just have the narrator say something like this --
They were dining at nine, again. The third time this week.
To me as reader, that is a more interesting way to present the information. I then am allowed to draw my own conclusion that dining late is an unfortunate , but frequent occurrance. That is a big point of showing rather than telling, isn't it? To show and let the reader draw his own conclusions?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 08, 2006).]
If the interesting thing is that the pager is about to go off, get me there sooner. While I am patient in allowing a story to progress, I want to know what's happening next more than I want a detailed character description the first time anyone walks onto the page. Whether they are well off or religious has no meaning to me right now. Frankly, I skipped most of the 13 lines because I wanted to see why I cared about them.
You can show me what you want - that thier schedules are hectic and they are well off - without telling me. A simple comment by Venessa along the lines of "It's nine o'clock at night on a Sunday. So much for dinner. Again. It's a good thing you love working for the DEA." when the pager rings shows us most of what you are trying to tell me. As Anfaney responds to the page and learns that dinner is interrupted or delayed again, he comment on the fact that cold, leftover lobster was not what he wanted when he ordered it. You are trying to give us too much backhistory in the first 13 lines.
Show me - don't tell me that they are religious. On chronology, most readers assume you are telling the tale on a straight line chronology. If you are concerned that the reader might get lost or time is critical, you might be able to start each section with a time stamp without it being cliche' or annoying.
posted
All right. I thank everyone for their help, and taking in all the suggestions, I think I'm on the right path.
quote:The stone walls and high stained glass windows of the Freemason Abbey gave the hundred year old church turned restaurant a cool comforting ambiance. Anfaney Dahl sat with his wife on the low lit second level, away from the constant din of the bar downstairs. Still, Anfaney couldn’t bring himself to relax.
He used his fork to poke idly at the remnants of his lobster. It been picked clean, which was just as well. He didn’t feel like eating anymore. He pushed his plate away and took a modest sip of wine, knowing he was on call. That alone was enough to put him on edge.
“Anfaney, are you listening to me?” Vanessa asked.
The sound of his name broke his daze.
This will lead into a conversation about work and late dinners and Vanessa's pregancy and exactly where Anfaney's stress is coming from. The pager will interrupt the conversation, showing just how hectic things are.
posted
This second version is as good is it gets with the scene. You convey the unrest and general nervousness. However, a small point, Vanessa's response when she realises he's not listening? Maybe it could be, just an example: "I know something's bothering you, you're not listening to me!" Or along a similar vein as they are a couple, with her pregnant etc... As I say, otherwise this is a vast improvement on the first attempt Best Wishes John Mc...
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posted
Yes, this rework has character and life. It's showing, not telling... and is much improved for it.
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