posted
This is the first 13 lines from a story I wrote about brothers that I am in the process of changing to a sci-fi setting. I'd appreciate any advice, or minor scorching you can give.
The creature, the “thing”, is just out of my sight inside the partially crushed hull. I had hoped that I could lay hidden in this pile of empty boxes strewn on the surface and it would go away. Hours had gone by though, and I knew that it had decided to make its home in the wreckage of my ship. The ship! Where the radio was, the food, and the only bed for a hundred million miles.
Should I move, risk detection? I couldn’t lay here forever! Damn, every move I have made in the last three days has been the wrong one. I wish I had my brother Gray’s common sense. He knew the trip to Daedalus was doomed. He wouldn’t be stuck out here laying prone like a piece of rubbish while some twenty foot Barzullan reptile ate his supplies.
posted
You are mixing your tense. You need to figure out if you want the narrator's voice to be using present, or past tense, then be consistent. I personally prefer past tense, but that's just me.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
The tense-mix isn't your biggest problem, just the most obvious. I say stick with the past, because readers find it easier to work through. I personally don't have a problem with present tense, but I'm also a bit weird.
The real trouble is that I don't know what the heck is going on. There's a "thing" just outside the hull. What is it? Why is he on a ship? Why'd they go to Daedalus? What is Daedalus? I'm hopelessly confused.
You say that every move your narrator's made has been the wrong one for three days straight. Maybe you should start the story three days ago.
posted
I was curious about this and want to know more - but what I'm curious about is not so much what is ahead, but just how did this situation come about? Maybe, as Ray wrote, it would not be a bad idea to go back three days and write from there, from the crisis that brought all this about. Then we are on firm footing and we would not have the loose ends we have here. As it is, what you have in advancing the plot is competing with our curiosity about the recent past.
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Why start by calling this a creature and a thing. First if this was an unknown one or the other description would be sufficient. Second-- As it stands he knows what it is so why not just start us off with The twenty foot Barzullan reptile was just...
I had hoped that I could lay hidden in this pile of empty boxes strewn on the surface (surface of what? I get the feeling he remains inside the wreck but if not where did these boxes come from that they happened to be near enough to the crash site to be hidden in but the only member of the local populace to come visit is a reptile?)
The ship!(this added nothing and was in fact distracting)
Where the radio was, the food, and the only bed for a hundred million miles.
He knew the trip to Daedalus was doomed. (How... short of being the cause of the wreck how does common sense enable you to know something is doomed. I need to know more about the destination before you tell me it was doomed. This comment almost gives Gray a magic fantasy feel rather than a common sense science fiction thing)
One problem I have with the reviews in general is when the reviewer says that they don't understand what is going on. Well, it is the first thirteen lines, not the entire story. I think the reviews should be centered on two main things, mechanics and whether or not the first 13 lines would cause someone to want to read more. The very fact that you want to know who or what is being discussed in the first 13 means that it succeeded on some level.
Ray wrote: The real trouble is that I don't know what the heck is going on. There's a "thing" just outside the hull. What is it? Why is he on a ship? Why'd they go to Daedalus? What is Daedalus? I'm hopelessly confused.
If you read the rest of the story all of these questions would be answered.
posted
Always with the thirteen lines rule. If I am in Barnes and Noble and read the opening page with this opening on it, I would put it back down because there are a thousand other books to choose from. You have thirteen lines before I, or any other reader, says your story is garbage.
I have to agree with Ray. Your opening makes no real sense. The hull of your ship is crushed, which implies that it may still be in space, so then my mind begins making a picture of what is going on then. Then you jump to the ship being wrecked. So mind shifts again to fit this new description. Then for some reason you shift to some internal thought processes within the same paragraph as your exposition paragraph, leaving me completely in the dust, especially when you go from this guy hiding for his life to him worrying about a radio and a bed. Then to end it all, the MC begins thinking about his brother.
However, I will take this opportunity to go on your basis for review: mechanics and whether or not the first 13 lines would cause someone to want to read more. Your mechanics make me want to cry as you skip around tenses, develop an unrealistic, undescribed MC who acts and thinks unrealistically, and you try to create suspense though lack of important details and overuse of useless info. Now on to the other thing. The first thirteen lines make ask about what is going on, but it is not wonder and intrigue. It is confusion, the annoying cousin of the cliffhangers, and that makes me put down the story, not continue to answer my questions.
posted
Quite frankly, I agree with others that it is the basic grammar problems that first and foremost would make me lay this aside.
Even though these are only the first thirteen lines, they need to be clear and logical. These have a long way to go to get there.
You establish the imminent threat of the lizard, then switch away to exposition of what appears to be the primary conflict in the story. I'd suggest resolving the threat first, then allowing the character to soliloquize about how foolish he was to have wound up in such a situation afterward.
posted
I do sympathize with the feeling that there's a bit of unclarity here, but mainly I think the problem is that this doesn't feel like the beginning of the story. It really doesn't.
Another point, I think that you should avoid turning this into SF if you can. Unless it was previously fantasy of some sort and just wasn't working well. But taking a story that wasn't SF to begin with and turning it into SF is generally a formula for weak SF.
On the other hand, it may be that you needed an SF device for the ending, and then decided to rewrite the story as SF so that device could be used without outraging the reader. That's okay.
posted
Survivor definitely nailed the root of the problem. You probably had a good story to begin with and then you smothered it with the unnecessary addition of SF. I can't remember if OSC said or not, but I remember reading the phrase, or something like it, "If you are writing a Western set on a different planet, then forget the planet and write a Western." If anyone can remember where this is from, please recommend the book or site to Fastcat. I think it might help, especially if he is trying to convert the story.
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posted
The creature, the “thing”, is just out of my sight inside the partially crushed hull. So the MC is on a damaged ship. Either space or sea, we shall see. I had hoped that I could lay hidden in this pile of empty boxes strewn on the surface Surface of what? and it would go away. Hours had gone by though, and I knew tense! that it had decided to make its home in the wreckage of my ship. So the ship crashed. The ship! Where the radio was tense!, the food, and the only bed for a hundred million miles.Either he's exaggerating, or this is a space ship on a deserted planet.
Should I move, risk detection? I couldn’t can't? lay here forever! Damn, every move I have made in the last three days has been the wrong one. I wish I had my brother Gray’s common sense. He knew the trip to Daedalus was doomed. Is Daedalus a planet? An island? I'm curious what about this place made Gray think a trip there was doomed and made the MC want to risk that to go there. He wouldn’t be stuck out here laying prone like a piece of rubbish while some twenty foot Barzullan reptile If the MC has known what the creature is, why haven't I until now? ate eats--I know it sounds awkward, but that's present tense for you his supplies.
I'm guessing Daedalus is a planet, but it's still up in the air by this point. All in all, besides the tense errors and a minor case of withholding info, I say nice opening.
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