In any case, I have my latest Military SF story well underway (it currently stands at 2,811 words). I thought I'd post the intro and get your take(s)...though anyone interested in reading what I have thus far is more than welcome. Jus' let me know.

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Commander Rupert ‘Rook’ Taness scowled as he kick-started his walker’s fusion core, spinning up the exoskeleton combat suit’s limb servos as soon as his power levels read in the green. An idle hand caressed the scarred cowling over the flickering main display…a memento of his first combat action in the suit, three years before. Since that first taste of war, his suit--codenamed Brontes, after the cyclopean servant of Zeus--had accumulated more battle scars than could be counted.

Not that he really wanted to recall how he’d gotten them all; few veteran drivers did. Rook closed his eyes as he ran callused fingers through the ragged grooves in the plastic console. With a thought, instantly captured by the suit’s Brain-Computer Interface, he throttled up.

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Thoughts? Suggestions? Useless comments that I'll probably ignore anyway?

quote:

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kick-started his walker’s fusion core

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As far as I'm aware, the term "kick-start" used as a transitive verb means that you actually kick it or use an improvised method of initialization somehow similar to a kick. So which is it? I don't have enough information to decide.

Size and modality of the vehicle, is it more like a servo assisted armor or a vehicle with a cockpit? The scarred cowling over the main display...is he inside or outside when he's initializing this thing? Is he having a flashback or not? And so on and so forth.

I hope you're telling us he doesn't want to recall how the battle scars came, not because you the writer didn't want to go into it here, but because he is, although functional, severely emotionally damaged by what happened. I'm leaning toward the first reason (which I don't like) because of the "few veteran drivers did." There are *tons* of veterans who want to tell you their war stories.

I'm not hooked yet. I don't think this is bad at all -- I could read this: it's clear, there's a promise of action -- but I am not yet hooked.

Plausibility issue: OK, you can have a fusion core in a body suit if you want. But what happens if something goes wrong? Fusion is powerful. A malfunctioning suit could vaporize a city.

Or a terrorist could kill a soldier, take his suit, and intentionally vaporize a city.

A disgruntled soldier could commit mass murder-suicide, or threaten to.

wyrd1: The manuscript should be on its way shortly...I'm having some e-mail troubles at the moment. The scowl is explained a bit later in the story, and believe me when I say he has valid reasons for being in a bit of a foul mood.

Calligrapher: I'll work on nailing down the description of his vehicle, which is actually a bipedal tank with an armored cockpit (I obviously failed to make that clear). I think removing 'kick-start' will help a lot.

Survivor: As I said above, it's meant to be a bipedal tank with a cockpit...thus the scarred cowl over the non-interface display makes a bit more sense. I definitely need to make the 'given circumstances' clearer, as you pointed out.

I have trouble being 'info-dumpy' when I write Military SF, as you may (or may not) recall, despite the fact that I enjoy writing in this corner of the genre. I tried to keep 'less is more' in mind as I wrote this, but tempered that thought with other military fiction and nonfiction I've read recently...which leaned towards dumpiness, itself.

wbriggs: I wouldn't say "severely emotionally damaged." I was going for something more along the lines of "Geez...I don't even wanna think about how many times I put a dent in the car door." In this story, the vehicles are cherished for keeping their drivers alive (and are, in most cases, affectionately named in the longstanding fashion of tank and bomber crews). I understand that the reader isn't supposed to know this right away, but hope I've made it clear later on. As for the silent veteran issue...I agree that many freely share their stories, though I have known even more vets from several different wars that hardly speak of their experiences at all. It's largely subjective.

And finally...the fusion issue. Fusion (commonly mistaken for the more radioactive and unstable Fission reaction), does not possess the same penchant for accidental catrastrophy. It "requires very extreme and precisely controlled conditions of temperature, pressure and magnetic field parameters. If the reactor were damaged, these would be disrupted and the reaction would be rapidly quenched." (secondary source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fusion_power#Accident_potential )
(primary source: http://fusedweb.pppl.gov/FAQ/section2-energy/part2-enviro.txt )

In short, a Fusion reaction produces significantly smaller amounts of waste that is also far less radioactive (especially when 'aneutronic' fuels are used). It is also a relatively safe alternative to fission-based power, since this type of magnetic confinement fusion has little in common with the computational tools needed to utilize it as a nuclear weapon. A driver could not blow himself up by triggering a reactor overload...the fusion reaction would fail without 'exploding.'

But this is all beside the point. I'll work on some intro revisions and post an update.

Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

Sorry. I know that's not your story, but that's the one that took me off with it...

The problem isn't the information, the problem is that it is dumped rather than presented intelligibly. I don't know how much experience you have with sorting through data dumps, but the key aspect is that the data isn't formatted for being read easily by a human reader.

That lack of necessary contextual information makes sorting through raw computer data a daunting task for most non-specialists. The problem isn't the data, it's that the burden of figuring out what the data means is thrown entirely on the reader.

The term "infodump" is derived from this experience. It means "I know that you know what you're saying, but I don't." The problem isn't the information you're trying to communicate. The problem is that you haven't formatted it so that anyone other than you can understand it.

I was merely clearing the air, responding to the critiquers to let them know I received their analyses and am trying to resolve the issues that bothered them. Kinda like this post.

Trust me, the last thing I want to do is begin a babbling explanation of how 'kewl' my main character is because "he's got a friggin' sweet rapid-fire cannon powered by an experimental antimatter containment bottle...oh, but you don't find that out until sixty pages in." That's been well established as counterproductive.

BTW, I sent that e-mail your way, wyrd1. Let me know if you've received it (I'm still not sure if my ISP fixed the problem).

Thanks for all the helpful advice/comments so far, gang. Things are shaping up, and I hope to post an update soon.

- 'May God have mercy on our souls.'
- 'We who are about to die salute you.'

or

- 'Did I leave the gas on?'

...Followed by a copyrighted Lucasfilm 'Ayeee-ahhh!' Thank you, and have a nice day."

How 'bout this?

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Commander Rupert ‘Rook’ Taness scowled as he stepped into the cavernous hanger bay of Armor Logistics Base Opera. His gaze wandered down a line of crane-shrouded berths, searching for his combat suit’s distinctive squadron markings.

He rolled his eyes when he spotted the eight-meter tall bipedal tank. It was crawling with techs.

“Not again,” he muttered, stalking forward. The sharp clack of each bootstep on the pitted deck echoed like a half-empty beer can bouncing down a ventilation shaft.

A sudden roar from the mechanics’ power tools drowned out the sound of his approach. Hot gusts from the machines’ overhead heat exchangers carried the familiar smell of lubricants.
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Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

I liked the second post better, though. I like the gruffness of the MC, and his protective attitude toward his suit, which is well drawn in the second paragraph. The first paragraph is rather passive description, and you might could leap straight into the second without losing the reader. (It's a little destracting to have to think about beer cans, I mean, why cans, when you have such technology?) I like the sound being there, though. And the smell, as well.

The first post was a bit to bogged down with information for me. Too many new words to guess the meanings all at once. Slowed down the reading.

Isn't it fun getting feedback?

IMHO the second version worked better for me. I had an instant sense of the character and I liked him. Also, I liked that the writing addressed all the sensory input - sound, heat, etc. I was not confused about where I was or what was going on. Where there even techs in the first version?

I would suggest dropping "Commander Rupert" and "of Armor Logistics Base Opera". The fact that he's a commander will almost certainly come out when you're ready to tell us what that even means. To a certain extent the same is true of the other, but it's more unnecessary/redundant with the implications naturally present in the scene.

I would also suggest changing "suit" to "walker" or whatever you call it. "Suit" definitely implies something you wear, as in your legs go down into its legs, and if its leg gets blown off you lose your leg. This is simply not what you described.

It's a little odd that all the tech's would activate their powertools at once, so that needs explanation. Or maybe you mean that one of the powertools was activated as he approached.

Edited to add:
In case you haven't read one of Brian Herbert's many prequels to DUNE, you might skim through "The Butlerian Jihad," as well as the book that comes after it. Sorry, I forgot the name; I lost interest in the series at that point and never finished reading that one. The robots that wreak havoc on the universe sort of fit your description of your suit, and it seems to me that I recall one is named Colosses. Just a heads-up for you to be aware of...

I think survivor makes some good points, but I disagree about the suit thing. There are a lot of different kinds of suits. A suit can be something you wear, or in the case of any giant mecha anime, a suit can be something you pilot. You're gonna want to be sure you know whether your influences are David Drake or the precocious teenage hotshots of Gundam Wing, but I think a suit can be pretty much anything that moves like a (sentient biological thing) when a (sentient biological thing) is inside of it.

Happy revising.