posted
Wow, it has been a very long time since I posted last, but I have been working on a novel for the last year. I'm not looking for readers though. I just wanted the hook to be critiqued and/or torn apart. I find I am really weak with openings, but if I don't put something at the beginning, then I tend to not write at all. So tell me what you all think. The story is contemporary fantasy, just for the record.
---------------------------------------------------------------- “Hold on!” yelled Garrett as he swerved the car to the left side of the empty road, barely missing the building as its debris collapsed into the street. He slowed down for a second to see if anyone had survived the explosion before taking off again, hydroplaning for a moment on the wet road. Jake, sitting in the passenger seat, was still catching his breath from the explosion, trying to keep himself from looking terrified.
Garrett noticed his little brother’s obvious anxiety and smiled. “Man, if these explosions get any closer, there might not be a city left to save.” He had meant it to be a joke, but the effect of his words took on a little more gravity when three more balls of light flew down from the sky, landing ----------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry for the cutoff and thanks for any help I can get.
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited May 31, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited June 03, 2006).]
posted
I find myself extremely interested in this, so you've managed to hook *me*, at least. However, I did have one question: how is it that Garret, by simply slowing down, can check a building for survivors from the road? Does he have some kind of special ability that would allow him to sense life through building materials? It's a small thing, but it did cause my engagement in the story to waver, pulling me out of the action of the scene (which is really well done, by the way). By showing Garret's concern, you establish him as the conscientious hero-type, which is good, but you're literally slowing the pace of the action (he is, after all, slowing down the car), and I wonder about the need to do that. Maybe you could maintain that breathless, high-stakes pace for the first few sentences (or the first couple of paragraphs), and if you address (what I'm guessing is) Garret's ability or uncommon perception later in the introduction, couldn't you move the braking/checking to the spot where the pace of exposition picks up, answering the question of how Garret was able to accomplish that amazing feat of visual acuity nearly immediately, explaining and establishing his hero-tastic qualities simultaneously. That'd minimize the interruption and provide a segue into why giant balls of light are coming down from the sky and blowing buildings up, if, of course, that's where you go next. I don't know what the rest of the intro looks like, but that's my two cents. Bravo, though. If you get to the point where you want readers, I'll happily volunteer.
Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2006
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I agree--the checking for survivors didn't seem realistic in the context of the scene. It seems that your characters are in a hurry, that the city is falling apart, and that they have the quite urgent business of saving the city. They don't, even if they're responsible heroes with high morals, have time to search through rubble and save folks. Also, I'm not sure that I would include the hydroplaning part (but that's just me), for some reason it just didn't seem right there (I'm not sure I can tell you why, maybe because it's in some way irrelevant to the scene???). Otherwise, I thought your hook was strong and I would have kept reading as it already is.
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Explosions, explosions, explosions. You have used the word until it is repetitive.
I find the start to this opener confusing. You have Garret yelling hold on and swerving the car. This begins to build imagery of a car crash happening. Then we have debris in the street. Then out of the blue we are looking for survivors of an explosion.
Why not simply START with the explosion? then you don't have to explain things; we will already be anchored with what has just happened.
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I liked it. The biggest problem I had was with the hydroplaning. You have to be going fairly fast (40mph in a small car, faster for a bigger car) to hydroplane, and there has to be standing water on the road. We weren't informed that it was raining until the last sentence, so I had a hard time visualizing a situation where there would be enough water on the road, with them having just slowed down enough to be able to look for survivors, to be able to hydroplane. Also, once you start hydroplaning, it doesn't happen for just a second, it goes on until you either slow down enough, or you hit something (personal experience I don't want to repeat) or run out of water. Personally (just me) I would take out hydroplaning and just say the car fishtailed almost out of control during the wild acceleration away from the building.
Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2005
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After reading the fragment and the postings, I pretty much agree with everything that was written. Additionally a couple of other things I wanted to point out -
In the first sentence it says Garrett barely missed the building as its debris collapsed. He obviously isn't swerving toward the building, so I think it should say that he barely missed the debris of the building since it's exploding.
You also write that Jake was still catching his breath. I envision this scene as all happening in seconds, so you might want to reword that.
Final nit - "obvious anxiety" - cut obvious - you already shown the scene so don't tell everyone, because it is obvious.
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Your first sentence has two "as" constructions. That's not illegal, but if you could eliminate one it would read easier. The same goes for "...for a second..." and "...for a moment..." in the second sentence.
Your last sentence in the first paragraph is a POV switch from Garrett to Jake. I'd keep the POV with Garrett.
In the second paragraph, third sentence, I'd just take out "had": "He meant it to be a joke..."
I don't know if it is really bothersome, but you use an awful lots of prepositional phrases. I think the fact that I noticed them means there may be a few too many. Maybe not, though. Maybe I just noticed them because I was reading with the intent to critique, rather than simply to enjoy.
I like the premise. I like the contemporary setting, and I think you do a good job building tension. You characters are good, too.
posted
I didn't like the work 'empty' in the first sentence, especially since the next thing you say is that there is debris in the road. I pictured a county road in the middle of nowhere with the word empty, so I spent the rest of the fragment trying to figure out where the building came from and where the city is. And if the road is 'empty' how can there be survivors?
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