posted
The day Golan decide to leave home was the best thought he had ever had, that is until today. He was furiously fighting against the tight knots that held his hand back, and the blood was rushing to his head. Of course to top it all off, he was naked and it was chilly. Golan prayed to the Gods above that no ladies would walk by. Golan cursed himself, if the Gods were watching they sure had a sense of humor. The bandits had left him to die, and Golan swore he would make them pay. He shook and bounced, still the bonds held.
“Well what do we have here” said a sultry voice, “do you need assistance?”
“Of course not, I love the blood rushing to my head,” snapped
Golan is on a quest, he had a vision he feels. He dreamed he would be King and that he would find the Great Blade. He leaves his home in pursuit of this dream, of course nothing is as simple as it seems...Fantasy, right now 2000 words and growing. Is it appealling and would you read on?
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited October 14, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 14, 2006).]
posted
My only comment is that you didn't describe yourself very well. You didn't descibe the main character, but you let on little hints on what was going on. You also didn't introduce or describe the girl. It is a woman's voice talking in nothingness. You can do that, I think that it would work great. You can write something where the voice comes from behind him. And then you can really desribe her once she walks into his eye-sight.
Besides that, I think that I would have turned a few more pages.
If I'm acting as someone reading a slush pile, I would not keep reading -- even though it has potential, it's not polished enough. The setup is great, so If I'm acting as a reader of an early draft then I'm definitely willing to read and help evaluate plot, etc.
Here are some specific things that I think you need to clean up:
quote:The day Golan decide to leave home was the best thought he had ever had, that is until today.
Time starts to be confused in my head from the first sentence. It sounds like I'm using past tense; a sentence might start identically and end radically differently. "The day Golan decided to leave home was the day his mother died." But instead, you're not using past tense: you're using present tense. "...that is, until today." But no, you really are using the past tense, because the next sentence starts with "He was..."
Also, the structure of the sentence is "The day [Golan decided to leave home] was the [best] thought [he ever had]." The day was the thought? You mean something else, such as "Leaving home was the best idea Golan had, until today."
Or so it seems from the sentence structure. Then I realized that you _really_ meant something like, "The day Golan decided to leave home was the beginning of the greatest time in his life, until today's events made him realize that sometimes being away from home wasn't so hot."
Nits: "decide" should be "decided". "that is" should be set off with commas on both sides, not just the first.
quote:He was furiously fighting against the tight knots that held his hand back, and the blood was rushing to his head. Of course to top it all off, he was naked and it was chilly.
I had to infer that he was upside-down and hanging from something. I'd come out and say that: "He was hanging upside-down from a tree limb,..."
I don't mind a little alliteration if I really trust the writer, even if I notice it, but in the case of someone who isn't polished it's going to leap out at me: "furiously fighting" did that here.
Nit: "tight knots" is redundant for this scenario, even though knots can be loose. He wouldn't be fighting them if they were loose.
"Of course" and "to top it all off" are redundant: I'd cut one.
Your use of commas isn't quite right: you have a few comma splices, and you need commas to set off quotations in some places. Write or respond if you want me to explain or to show you where.
I hope this helps. You have a great hook, so I hope you can make the story what you want it to be.
posted
Thanks for the advice...they were all very helpful, I will keep working as is and then clean up - polish it and maybe someone will read it..Thanks again..
“See I told you Jubal he was not a common criminal” She spun Golan around and standing behind her was a behemoth of a man. An over muscled giant, holding a heavy battle-axe.
“Yes, lucky for him no?” Jubal laughed as he rubbed the edge of the axe, “He is kinda o’ small though - for a human”
“Enough with the jokes, please just somebody cut me down” protested Golan, “ I can feel my eye’s popping”
posted
I agree with what's been said. For the most part what strikes me is gramatical errors. If I was reading a slush pile I would have set it aside after the first sentance, most likely.
__________ The day Golan decide to leave home was the best thought he had ever had, that is until today. __________
I would write that, only slightly different, as:
The day Golan decided to leave home, it was the best thought he had ever had, that is, untill today.
Now this brings up a small grammar question I myself have for sentance structures like this. What I am inclined to do is structure the end of the sentance "...thought he had ever had. That is, untill today."
I know that the second sentance, which I'm inclined to make, is not a complete sentance. Is this feasable, or workable though? I never really look for it when I read so if it happens, I don't notice it. Seems like it should be...
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