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A sudden inspiration while I was writing some poetry, Fantasy, words TBD and I was wondering if anyone liked the beginning..does it sound interesting?
Numa sat on the rickety stool staring out the window. His black eyes followed the patterns the lightning traced in the sky. He loved to watch the storms, their power and energy enticed him. His small town was covered from view by the mist from his breath, it was better that way he hated the place. Benthar was a center for farming and all that graced it’s ancient roads were farmers, boring as far as Numa was concerned. In the midst of a yawn, something spectacular caught his sharp eye – a large fire. Numa’s eyes bulged and he jumped off the stool and ran for the door. Numa banged open the heavy door to his families home and stepped out into the pelting rain. His father shouted after him, “Get in here Numa, where you going?”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 25, 2006).]
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I'm not exactly hooked and not exactly not hooked. The fire could be interesting, but it could just be a fire. His reaction puzzles me. How old is he?
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Seventeen...here is the reason why he ran to the fire,
Numa looked at his father and pointed to the town, “Fire” and ran down the path towards town, as fast as his feet could carry him. Not everyday you see a fire shaped like a man, he thought. Numa’s father walked over to the open door and stared, “Never have I seen a fire as such.”
So it was something weird, wonderful and thrilling..so he thought
Except...a fire shaped like a man is also called a "burn victim." Very bad news. (Of course, it's still a hook, but for MC to consider it a fun spectacle would need explanation.)
Anyway, I think the reader needs to know approx age.
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“What is it Nuva?” Nuva’s wife grabbed hold of his large hands, and looked towards the town. “Demonfyre, some fool mage or priest has opened the gate – Mael has returned” Nuva’s face paled and his dark eye’s seemed suddenly empty. Numa’s feet slipped and he fell heavily, mud splashed on his rain soaked clothes and stained his white shirt. Wiping the excess mud from his shirt and face, Numa looked up and nearly swallowed his tongue. The fire being stared at him with hatred.Pain, sudden and sharp felled him like a tree. Numa felt a powerful presence in his mind...
Its building up to it, age, why..description of Mael..its moving pretty good for a first draft..
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My apologies Kathleen, I was trying to explain something and I thought that this way was the best - I will not do so again. Sorry Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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If you explain with summaries, that's better. The 13-line rule applies to actual story text.
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I like some of your word choices here and I'm definately hooked.
Some small things:
I would alter the 'Benthar was a center...' sentence and change farmers to commoners or peasents or something other than farmers. Of course its roads were filled with farmers it was a center of farming!
I also think the father would probably only have time to yell one command or ask one question. Considering how Numa bolted.
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