posted
Please, someone give me a better name for my aliens. Gani is too short, everything else I think up is too hard to pronounce.
They were the delinquents of the twenty-fifth century. The kind of people that nobody liked to stand next to in a crowd for the smell and the innate fear that they might find themselves with emptier pockets. There were four of them, walking the dark streets of Undercity in the dusk. The motion activated streetlamps went on as they approached and then off again as the timers reached zero and the power was cut. The neighborhood was a bad one, but they did not care. The whole of Undercity was a bad neighborhood. Besides, that was why they were there, to make it a worse place to live. Who gave a crap about the neighborhood anyway? They didn’t have to live there. One of them took out a cigarette and lit it with a flick of his lighter.
These characters are nameless for a reason: they are all killed on the next page by the actual protagonist. I need to know whether this sort of introduction works, other than that, have your way with it.
posted
This works although normally you're advised to start with characters and action instead of exposition. It's ok because it's brief and the expo is interesting
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
What you have here is an outline. We are held outside as observers instead of being drawn into the story. Don't TELL us they are delinquents, SHOW us! Have them converse in a way that will be of interest while showing us their character/motivations/devious side. Maybe one of them is just out of prison and looking for a girl to "bust" - or maybe they argue over the plans for a heist.
"emptier pockets" is awkward, how about just "empty pockets" Also this is rather tame, why not fear being murdered or raped or the victim of some other violent crime?
"Who gave a crap about the neighborhood anyway?" Too tame. "Who gave a s--- about the neighborhood anyway?"
"One of them took out a cigarette..." Too tame. Why not have one of them pull out a joint of the latest (expensive and sought after) genetically engineered top quality grass? I like your idea, very intriguing.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited December 26, 2006).]
posted
Show us the initial impression through the eyes of your protagonist. That gives us a better feel for what killing them means.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Thank you all. As to the tameness, I was a child of overprotective parents, so when I first wrote this four years ago, I actually thought these images were pretty graphic. I now see how much more potent I could make it. And thanks as well for the adding a couple sylables idea.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2006
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