posted
"Do we not, my brothers, possess the capacity for change? I ask you, how many of you have stayed for years in the same job you hate, married to the same woman you hate, living in the same house you hate, and for what? So that you can continue to do the same job, and the same woman, in the same house? Have you never asked yourselves who you are? Nay, nay, my brothers, it is not for us to be so bound! The human soul languishes, but it does not die. You are languishing! Break free! I call you to be the men you long to be! Leave it all! Stand up now and walk away with me!" With that Ashton left the stage, and walked through the center aisle. At first a couple, then several, then a multitude rose around him, and poured from the stadium. They didn't know where they were going. Nor did they care.
Just popped into my head. Everything about this story does, at random I get bits out of the middle. This is probably fourteen years after the beginning, but it popped into my mind like a beginning, so here it is.
posted
You know...in real life, most people don't listen to this appeal, at least not all at once. Sure, most guys have their mid-life crisis or whatever. Some buy a sports car, some have an affair, some move to a third world country and try to create a utopia. But at any given moment, most men aren't quite ready to take that plunge, even though they already know everything your rebel says in this opening.
So it just doesn't convince. We need to be convinced that Ashton has uncanny powers of persuasion before we're willing to believe that a huge crowd of guys are willing to give up their established life to follow him "whither they know not."
posted
Good call SURVIVOR. That is actually what this character is: a man with extraordinary powers of persuasion and manipulation. But you are very much right, it is unbelievable as a beginning. Ashton Whithers' character must be developed before you can believe him pulling something like this off. So this has to be a middle part of the tale.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
If we're in his POV, then you can just tell us that he has uncanny powers. On the other hand, I think that Whithers himself would make a bad POV character for this story, somehow.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
See that's exactly what I thought, I wrote a few segments in his point of view, and I want the story intimately tied to his thoughts and actions, because it is more about the rationalities and the workings of an ingenius and meticulus villain than any particular plot or story, the man not the mission, yet when you get too close to him he loses the mystery that makes a villain so powerful, so I wanted to write from the perspective of his only real friend, and second in command, and then later his betrayer. But the difficulty is that Ashton imprisons him and he is out of the action for a good piece of the storyline, one such part being this scene at the stadium rally in occupied Portland, Oregon. I suppose that I could let Jack (the friend) escape earlier, and so solve the problem. Yes, I could do that. Right, thanks for the kick into the thought process.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Other then the points mentioned which were valid, I think you should remove the "nay,nay" and change it to "no,no". The speech should be powerful to the reader, that way the reader will leave the stadium too and read on. I would like to what Ashton was talking about/selling - why the men followed him. But at least you have a basis to work with, keep it up and keep writing!
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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