posted
I first posted a fragment and synopsis of this short story here months ago. I got some good feedback, and some people were interested in it, but I had only written a little bit. And I went several months without working on it or coming here.
But, now I'm done with it. Well, with a draft of it, anyway. And now I'm looking for some more feedback, as well as anyone interested enough to look over the full text. (It's 7600 words.)
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There was a time, long ago, when I thought I was a god. Hephaestus, they called me—a deity of wheels, fire, and metal. The orange sun peeks over distant ridges, and twin moons hang like pale potatoes against the indigo zenith. As I stretch my muscles against the chains that bind me, a speck appears against the distant morning sky. Ino is suddenly beside me in her robe of gentle blue, and her hair is bound up on the top of her head in a golden knot. She stands with thin hands clasped in front of her. He’s coming, Hephaestus. Yes, I know. Don’t you want to leave? I can take you away again. I can’t live in dream forever, Ino. -------------------------
(I did use italics for Ino's dialogue, but they didn't transfer over.)
[This message has been edited by Hylas (edited January 05, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Hylas (edited January 05, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 07, 2007).]
posted
You may italicize by tagging the desired text with [/i] in back and [i] at front.
Good first sentence. Strong opening; conveys lots of info in a short space, sets a tone. Second sentence irked me:
quote: Hephaestus, they called me—a deity of wheels, fire, and metal.
Deity of wheels doesn’t do if for me. Wheel is kind of a weak noun. Doesn’t fit in with fire and metal. Also “They called me.” seems a bit weak too. I think something a bit stronger would read:
quote: I was Hephaestus – deity of fire and metal.
The dialogue bugs me. First off, it doesn’t progress the story and it doesn’t tell us anything about your characters. Though I mostly point this out because this is dialogue located smack dab in the opening. Also, you set the stage in the distant distant past and your characters have been plucked from Greek mythology; I don’t imagine they’d use contractions. And the shrug also seems a bit out of character for an ex-deity communicating with a queen.
The potatoes really put me off too. Potatoes are so dull and undignified. It clashes with the inflated language you use. I couldn’t see pale potatoes in the indigo zenith, but I could imagine pale diamonds or even pale stones. I’m not sure about the description in either case. Remember, this is first person. Are these really the details an imprisoned ex-deity would pick out? I don’t know, maybe the pale potatoes would work if he’s hungry
Seems like an interesting story but work on the opener a bit more.
Good luck! -Donelle
[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 05, 2007).]
posted
Okay, I went with some of those, but not all, and I have specific reasons for that which I won't post here.
Here we go.
There was a time, long ago, when I thought I was a god. I chose to be Hephaestus--I was a deity of gears, fire, and metal. The orange sun peeks over distant ridges, and the twin ovoid moons hang high above me. As I stretch my muscles against the chains, a speck appears against the distant morning sky. Ino is suddenly beside me in her robe of gentle blue, and her hair is a golden knot perched atop her head. She stands with thin hands clasped in front of her. He’s coming, Hephaestus. Yes, I know. Don’t you want to leave? I can take you away again. I can’t live in dream forever, Ino.
[This message has been edited by Hylas (edited January 06, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Hylas (edited January 06, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Hylas (edited January 06, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 07, 2007).]
posted
I liked the first 2 sentences (although "chose to be Hephaestus" doesn't make sense to me -- is that like choosing to be a surgeon, or like naming yourself "Mike"?). I wasn't too interested in the next paragraph -- I don't care what the sky looks like.
I wasn't at all interested in the dialog. It doesn't tell me anything. He's coming -- who? Don't you want to leave -- why? What does dreaming have to do with it? Since I don't understand what's going on, I can't be interested.
It seems the characters aren't to energized about it either -- Haephastus just shrugs, and Ino stares off into the sky. They seem bored.
What's the cool thing that will make us want to read? Start there, maybe.
posted
I like the style/sound now, it's...well, something I mean, there is something about the detached feeling of the gods which is an effect. It's not for everyone, but I would read on. Some of Zelazny's stories come to mind.
"I was" in line 2 feels repetitive unless you give more descriptive detail about Hephaestus. I think lines 1 and 2 should be in the same paragraph, or else there needs to be a separation between 2 and 3, where the tense shifts.
posted
Looks like a great beginning. I'd probably read on. My one suggestion is to change "rocks that cuddle about her feet." For the life of me I can't get my mind around rocks being - well - cuddly. It's a little distracting.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I liked the first version best. In the second one, the word "ovoid" distracts me, since I rarely see it used, but I'm glad you got rid of the potato part.
I must agree that the shrug seems out of place in this, and that they both seem a bit bored. What are they feeling right now?
The good thing is that I'm definately hooked.
[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 06, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 06, 2007).]
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