quote:I was walking down by the water-way in Bricktown the other evening, one of those nights that were colder that it should be in April. It was just before dusk and the ground rumbled (1) and the water rippled. The smell fish and decaying leaves wafted up followed by a shrill musical piping. As the ripples spread out the head of a dragon...no it was a horse, well it looked like a horse. It coat was dark-green, almost black. Its mane of seaweed hung limp. Shaking out its coat and mane, water and dead leaves sprayed the walking path. Its black pearl eyes gleamed in the fading light. It hadn’t seen me yet, so I ducked behind a tree to watch it. Slowly it’s image waxed and waned, as it took the form of a young lady.
(2)Since I was a boy, I have been stuffed full of fairy stories form my grandma. Being of Irish decent, I know most of the major fariy stories and myths. So I felt it was time to write a new one.
"Timmy Turner's Fairy God Parents!" Crocker yelled.(3)
1. "...the ground rumbled..." The ground itself rumbled? Or there was a rumbling noise?
2. This bold section is very passive, to the point that it's frustrating to read. Try working a little more in the active voice. Also, the "So" to start the third sentence is unnecessary.
3. This doesn't make any sense. Who is Crocker that he should be yelling out like this? And why is he exclaiming in such an obtuse and complicated way? Edit - okay, sorry about that. There's no obvious break between the 13 & this line.
The premise you've got going here is one that I would be interested enough in to give you at least a few more pages before either putting it back on the shelf or taking to the cashier. Still, there are several layers of polish that would be important to make this section (and the rst of your piece) more readable.
Jayson
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited April 21, 2007).]
quote: I was walking down by the water-way, in Bricktown[,] the other evening. [It was o]ne of those nights that [were = was] colder than it should be[,] in April. It was just before dusk [and = when] the ground rumbled and the water rippled. The smell [of] fish and decaying leaves wafted up on the path, followed by [a<--needed?] shrill music[al piping<--needed?]. [As the ripples spread out, the head of a dragon...no it was a horse, well it looked like a horse, emerged (form = from) the water.<--this is a little funky. Suggest: As the ripples spread out, what looked like a horse's head emerged from the water] Its mane of seaweed hung limp. Shaking out its dark-green[,] almost black coat, water and dead leaves sprayed the walking path. Eyes[,] like black pearls[,] gleamed in the fading light. It hadn’t seen me yet, so I ducked behind a tree to watch. Slowly its image waxed and waned, as it took the form of a young lady.
With a little cleaning-up, this could be interesting.
posted
Agree with IB's detailed finds - I noticed the same grammar/typos. Disagree with one point, though. I like this sentence as is:
quote:As the ripples spread out, the head of a dragon...no it was a horse, well it looked like a horse, emerged form the water.
My reasoning is - if you're going to write first-person, might as well make it interesting with bits of self-correcting and talking to the camera types of lines here and there. This line accomplishes that for me. It makes it clear to me that you, the writer, know that your narrator/MC is talking to us, the reader. That's fine, and I think it's helpful in first person POV to let us in on that early in the story.
Meanwhile, fixing the grammar and typos, the story seems interesting, I'd read more.
I just lost more than half this story. Now back to 5-600 words. I wish I could blame this on a computer error, but I can't. It was plain old stupidity. I droped a older revision in the wrong folder and it overwrote my working copy.
Oh well, things happen. I can rewrite it bigger, stronger, faster. I have the technology...
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited April 21, 2007).]
I also agree with KayTi, to a certain extent. Self correcting in first person can make it more interesting. However, to write situations of self correcting , doesn't it need to be in present tense?
If a 1st person POV character is telling a tale past tense, in which this passage is written , they wouldn't be self correcting things that had previously happened, because, by the time they were telling the tale, they would already know it had been, in fact, a dragon.
They would only be able to self correct things that were happening currently, and I believe that would require present tense. --------------
quote:Im gonna cry...
I just lost more than half this story. Now back to 5-600 words...
quote:I was walking down by the water-way, in Bricktown the other evening.
I don't think you need a comma in this sentence.
quote:One of those nights that were colder than it should be in April.
I didn't like this. It's being told first person, so it has the sense of telling someone verbally (or even in writing.) You've set up a time relationship between the event and the telling by saying, "The other evening" in the previous sentence. How about something like, "You remember, the night it got really cold--Tuesday, wasn't it?
quote:It was just before dusk and the ground rumbled and the water rippled. The smell fish and decaying leaves wafted up on the path, followed by a shrill musical piping.
I guess it depends on if the listener (the person the first-person narrator is addressing) is local, but might they have also felt the ground rumbling wherever they were, too. I thought this might be a good place to show us how the narrator feels about this. Fright? Dread? Curiosity?
quote:As the ripples spread out, the head of a dragon...no it was a horse, well it looked like a horse, emerged form the water. Its mane of seaweed hung limp. Shaking out its dark-green almost black coat, water and dead leaves sprayed the walking path. Eyes like black pearls gleamed in the fading light.
To me, this is where first person gets tricky. The narrator is telling it like he's back in the moment. For me, reading it this way broke the illusion. He knows now (when he's doing the telling) (or she) if it was a horse or a dragon. I think you could write it as, "It looks liked a horse, but I later learned it was a dragon." That is if you want to mention dragon, I would suggest something like that. It may also look better without mentioning dragon right now. Just say it looked like a horse, for now.
Now, I do think it is a good idea to use this kind of perspective with First Person. I think that is one of the strengths, to offer that kind of perspective. The, "I didn't know then it was a dragon, but I was about to have fun finding out." (The other strength being the narration is done in the character's voice.)
quote:It hadn’t seen me yet, so I ducked behind a tree to watch. Slowly its image waxed and waned, as it took the form of a young lady.
Personally, I think right before this line would be a good place to let the reader connect with the narrator. I think it would be a good place to let us know how he feels. Is this just another horse coming out of the water? Is this something to inspire panic? Letting us know how the narrator reacts, will also tell us something of the narrator's personality.
The scene is good. The "monster" in the scene is somewhat unconventional, which captures my interest. I'd like to see more. In other words, you have a good hook.
Finally, sorry to hear about the lost work. Ouch
EDIT: Fixed quotes
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited April 22, 2007).]
posted
So you are telling in the first person and you are using a very conversational style. The text is very relaxed, as if it were a tale being told by a tale spinner in the corner of an old pub. Hopefully that is your intent. ---------------------------------------------------------------- I was walking down by the water-way, in Bricktown “the other evening”(very casual term). One of those nights that were colder than it should be in April. It was just before dusk and (when suddenly) the ground rumbled and the water rippled. The smell (of) fish and decaying leaves wafted up on the path, followed by a shrill musical piping. As the ripples spread out, the head of a dragon...(ellipsis generally indicates an omission of text or thought. A dash would work better) no it was a horse, well it looked like a horse, emerged form the water.(this is odd sounding see, IB’s suggestion) Its mane of seaweed hung limp. Shaking out its dark-green almost black coat, water and dead leaves sprayed the walking path. Eyes like black pearls gleamed in the fading light. It hadn’t seen me yet, so I ducked behind a tree to watch. Slowly its image waxed and waned, as it took the form of a young lady. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Yep, I’d read on.
quote:So you are telling in the first person and you are using a very conversational style. The text is very relaxed, as if it were a tale being told by a tale spinner in the corner of an old pub. Hopefully that is your intent.
Exactly so...I want to show he is not always honost with his own thoughts, or can't decide what he remembered. I would like to lead the reader to decide if his tail realy happened or not on their own. Like a fire-side ghost tail, almost that spawned urban ledgends.
Edit: I think I'm going to make it a little less informal. I though it was getting a little too campy as the story went on, and since I lost so much I can change it now and make it more serious.
Just did my own version of 1000 ideas in an hour.. I call it 50 ideas in 8 hours. =)
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited April 22, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited April 22, 2007).]
posted
FYI, I just was looking at MS Word to see if there's a way to restore old versions of documents. I have a feeling there is a way, but I didn't see a simple one. Instead, though, I found the feature "versions" under the File menu. I am running Word 2003, FYI.
At any rate, by choosing File/Versions, it looks like I can save a version of a document WITHIN that same document. This would be handy so I don't have so many individual files cluttering up my hard drive. It also has a "automatically save a version on close" checkbox that I can click so that every time I close the doc I get a new version. That's nifty too.
When I save a version, I can write comments on it...so I can say things like "reworking first 13 based on hatrack feedback" or "added chapter 10" or whatever.
Not that this helps you to recover your old doc, but it might help in the future if you (or others) also use MS Word. Sounds like you're on a good path with a rewrite anyway, so best of luck with that!
quote:I want to show he is not always honost with his own thoughts, or can't decide what he remembered.
Ouch! You want what is called an "unreliable narrator." Wow. Those are the hardest of all, because you not only have to have a story make sense, but you have to insert clues so the reader will realize that they can't trust the narrator while still trusting you, the author.
I would strongly recommend that you read as much as you can find about unreliable narrators before you try to tackle this kind of story.
It can be done (I think that Elizabeth Peters' character, Amelia Peabody, is an example of an unreliable narrator, and those books do relatively well in today's publishing market), but it's very tricky.
posted
Ok sent it off. Sorry that took me so long, been recovering from stomach flu and withdrawals (couldn’t keep anything down, even medication for seizures) for the last week.
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Naven walked down by the water-way. The gravel path crunched under his feet as he walked. It was an evening that was colder than it should be in April. The chill breeze woke up the hair on the back of his neck, sending a shiver down, ending with a quick shake of his shoulders.
It was just before dusk when the ground rumbled and the water rippled, the rings grew out, ever increasing. His skin prickled with dread. The smell of fish and decaying leaves wafted up on the path.
The ripples spread out colliding with the shore. Emerging from the center of the rings was a horse--it resembled a horse, its mane of seaweed hung limp. The white bridal shimmered with water, reflecting the sunset’s deep orange and purples
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited May 23, 2007).]
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