Dr. Andrew Fox entered the conference room just before the General took the podium. He wasn't late, most of the attendees were still exchanging hellos and lunch appointments. A thoughtful colleague moved over a space for the Doctor, who nodded and took the newly vacant seat on the aisle.
General Comstock tapped the microphone, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lot to get through and and the war will not wait for you."
Most of the attendees ceased their conversations, but a Congresswoman's Aide couldn't help herself and continued to ramble. The General's hand drifted toward the flap of his holster. The Aide stopped speaking and took her seat.
General Comstock smiled and placed both hands on the podium, "I get the sense that some of you aren't telling me the truth."
[This message has been edited by jc.black (edited August 16, 2007).]
I like the General's last line, "I get the sense that some of you aren't telling me the truth."
I have to say, though, that it feels a little thin. Since it seems to be in Dr. Fox's POV, maybe you can get me a little deeper there, showing me how he sees the world. You show me a "thoughtful colleague", and that's about the extent to which I see things through his eyes.
If you need a little space, you might trim out the rambling aide. You characterize the General a little bit with the move of hand to holster, but it's 27% (36 of 132 words) of your first page -- a lot of space to devote to one trait.
quote:Andrew Fox entered the conference room just before the General took the podium.
I like that you don't name the general. Two names up front can be a little heavy, so withholding the name for a paragraph or two isn't a bad idea, in my book.
Also, I think since general here isn't part of a person's title, it should not be capitalized.
quote:He wasn't late, A semicolon or a period would work better here. You have two complete phrases/sentences here, so treat them as such. most of the attendees were still exchanging hellos and lunch appointments.
You've already told us he entered just before the General took the podium. There isn't need to say he wasn't late because we can tell that.
quote:A thoughtful colleague moved over a space for the Doctor, who nodded and took the newly vacant seat on the aisle.
General Comstock tapped the microphone, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lot to get through and and the war will not wait for you."
There's a war? I would say skip from the first sentence here. Nothing in the interim seemed important to me.
quote:Most of the attendees ceased their conversations, but a Congresswoman's Aide couldn't help herself and continued to ramble. The General's hand drifted toward the flap of his holster. The Aide stopped speaking and took her seat.
Myself, I would have liked to have seen a brief reaction. Wide eyes, fear, horror, amusement, tired sigh ...
quote:General Comstock smiled and placed both hands on the podium, "I get the sense that some of you aren't telling me the truth.
Interesting hook. I think what I'm missing is more about Andrew Fox. He seems to be the main character here, so how does he feel about all this. How does he feel about the threat of a weapon being drawn? Why is here? Was he forced to attend? If so, how does that make him feel? What kind of mood is he in.
As usual, these are just my initial thoughts after read this. You don't need to try to answer all the questions. There are present so you can get a feel for a reader's reaction.
posted
Could he get away with that - actually using his sidearm? There might actually be some wartime situation where he could. lehollis' suggestion of showing the aide's reaction would tell us that. Is she annoyed, but not frightened? Is she scared ****less? Since this is from Dr. Fox POV, we'll have to settle for her expressions and his interpretation.
The move to the pistol gives me two possible interpretations: This is a dire war setting with lots of science that needs consultants - or it's a rant about a wingnut general running amuck. My reaction and level of interest would be much different between those two possibilities, with shades for cases in between.
Giving benefit of the doubt, your first paragraphs serve to bait a hook and the last one grabs me. I'd turn the page, but with a wary eye. You don't ask anything specific. What sort of crit are you looking for? Did that cover it?
posted
I was thinking about this last night. here's an updated version...
Doctor Fox
Dr. Andrew Fox entered the conference room just before the General took the podium. Most of the attendees were still exchanging hellos and lunch appointments.
A thoughtful colleague moved over a space for the Doctor, who nodded and took the newly vacant seat on the aisle. Only a few hours earlier the Doctor had carelessly threatened everyone's life, exposing them to a life threatening infection with the illegal device in his pocket.
General Comstock tapped the microphone, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lot to get through and and the war will not wait for you. We also have a bit of a problem. I get the feeling that some of you aren't telling me the truth. Let me remind you that your professional careers are on the line here. Don't jerk me around."
posted
I'm unmoved by this... I'm reading the newer version, and it reads essentially the same as the first. Some of the extraneous details have been stripped away, but there is nothing here to indicate to me personality or character on the part of your main character. In this version, we even lose the slightly maniacal reach for a gun by the General, who now seems more like a stern administrator rather than a take-no-prisoners madman.
In the secon dparagraph, there is a mention that "...the Doctor had carelessly threatened everyone's life..." though which doctor in particular isnt really clearly indicated. Because Doctor is capitalized we are supposed to think that it was Dr. Fox that is the subject of this sentence, but an earlier mention of colleagues made me think that there was another doctor in the room who might have perpetrated this act.
Now, I have a question. If you were a military general who was required to extract information from a group of doctors, would you sit them down in a room and ask them for the information you want? Or would you separate them into rooms and interrogate them one at a time, spreading lies and untruths among them? Also, if this is truly war, why is it only their professional careers that are on the line? Could you imagine Saddam Hussein bringing his chemical warfare scientists into a room (presuming that they existed, of course) and demanding that they create a weaponized form of some contagion, or they would never work in Iraq again? Isn't it more likely that he would either threaten their lives, or intimate that whatever enemy they happened to be fighting would threaten them as well?
This is decent writing, not a whole lot of technical issues, thought it is a little utilitarian for my tastes. I think you would improve it immeasurably by getting further into Dr. Fox's POV, let us experience the setting through his own senses, rather than from the dispassionate view of a security guard posted at the back of the room.
posted
Good start. It begins normal enough, until the part with the war starts peaking my interest. Then the General reaching makes me realize the rules of this world aren't very normal. This is your hook: General Comstock smiled and placed both hands on the podium, "I get the sense that some of you aren't telling me the truth."
I was going to object to the slow "small talk" begining, but by the end of the thirteen I was completely drawn in and I think this works as it is.
posted
well Wolf Boy is the Gen a member of a country that is part of the Geneva Convention. or a country that dose not have laws to war? it makes a difference.
i liked it. and made me feel like some consperoy ploght story.
posted
General Comstock smiled and placed both hands on the podium, "I get the sense that some of you aren't telling me the truth."
This is your strongest sentence, so it should be the first sentence in the story. Then tell us how Dr. Fox reacts. Nobody cares about Dr. Fox walking in and sitting down.
As a general comment to all of us who want to be writers (and as a reminder to myself, of course). A professional story cannot have some interesting lines in it. Every line has to be interesting. It takes only one dull sentence to lose a reader.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited August 21, 2007).]
posted
I like where this is going. Tighten this up and you'll have me. The use of dialog in the first version is better than having it lumped together in the second one. Most of the dialog is spot on.
Generals - ahh, a breed unto themselves. They KNOW. Even when they are horribly wrong, they KNOW they are right. They don't get the sense. You weaken the dramatic punch of your best line by letting him equivocate. He KNOWS. Presumably he's in on the poisoning as a means of getting the truth. Don't let him mince words. Generals don't.
On the second version, right now you have two unconnection actions - the poison and the General's statement. Sink into Dr. Fox's head and connect them. Or if they aren't connected show me Fox's response to the General's statement.
If it were me, I'd be inclined to start with the General's line and then go from there. Right now that great line is getting lost.
quote: Dr. Andrew Fox entered the conference room just before the General took the podium. Most of the attendees were still exchanging hellos and lunch appointments. Yawn. Why do I care?
A thoughtful colleague moved over a space for the Doctor Dr. Who? this is Fox's pov, if he's the Dr. he's going to say. Moved over for him. , who nodded and took the newly vacant seat on the aisle. Why do I care?
Only a few hours earlier the Doctor had carelessly threatened everyone's life, exposing them to a life threatening infection with the illegal device in his pocket. Humm a hook. But carelessly seems out of place. How does Dr. Fox feel/think about this exposure? Why did he do it? Why isn't he telling anyone?
General Comstock tapped the microphone.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lot to get through and and the war will not wait for you. Nice line.
We also have a bit of a problem. Not very General like
I get the feeling that some of you aren't telling me the truth.
Let me remind you that your professional careers are on the line here. Yawn. Thier lives are on the line already. Why aren't you telling me about that. This line loses your impact
Don't jerk me around. Nice. Very General-like. And the hand could brush the holster top here.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 21, 2007).]
posted
I think Rick is right on in his suggestion for making - "I get the sense that some of you aren't telling me the truth." The first sentence. But having said that, I get the feeling this general is somewhat of a cream puff. Give him some cahonies. "Some of you jokers have mistaken me for a mushroom. You know how they treat mushrooms don't you? They keep you in the dark and every now and then someone comes along and feeds you a little ----." This conveys the same information, but also gives Comstock some "color" and gives an indication of his personality. He already knows he's being jerked around and won't put up with it. From then on every sentence must support, better still, increase the tension. There is a fair amount in your 13 that could be cut as it does not do this.
"General Comstock tapped the microphone." Does not advance the story - when you could be telling us something pithy.
"A thoughtful colleague moved over a space for the Doctor." This is deadly - it really does not contribute any momentum/tension to the story. Also, the sentence itself is redundant. By telling us the colleague moved over, we get the idea he is thoughtful/respectful - there is no need to tell us this. As has been suggested, the whole line could be deleted. There are some good lines here, but as a whole it needs to be amped up - every word must do something - to move the story forward through maintaing/increasing tension.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 21, 2007).]
I think, and likely disagree with others, that the first paragraph pays more than it costs. You set a scene I can picture and set it from the POV characters POV. I think that if you start with the General, a reader would think in his POV and a switch to Dr. Fox would be jarring.
The next sentence about the thoughtful colleague is associated with the gathering attendees and I think it belongs in the first paragraph. It adds depth and makes the point that the attendees are the doctor's colleagues rather than more of the military. If the curt nod is typical of Dr. Fox, that move serves to characterize him as aloof. Of course, if I'm getting it wrong, do the opposite of what I suggest.
The life-threatening injection sentence seems out of place. It takes me out of the conference room, only to be put back by the general's tapping. It looks like an attempt to insert a hook in the first 13 lines. It might work as a flashback - only if the general or a colleague mentions something that triggers Dr. Fox's memory. If your hook depends very much on the illegal device, maybe your starting point should be a few hours earlier.
Another opinion of mine is that military generals do not have to sound like the gruff drill sergeant stereotype. I'm glad to see a general sound like the educated professional with good people skills that most who reach that rank actually are. I think his threat is now restrained and to the point. He should get through to scientists or medical doctors with the approach that appears to be starting.
With some space left from some of the clean up offered above and maybe vacated by the illegal device sentence, more of the war or the doctors' work can come through as a hook.
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