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On a roll Three flashes in five days. Honestly just cleaning out the old story closet, revising a couple oldies. After dumping My WOTF, It is feeling good to get some stuff ready to submit.
I'll take crit on the intro, and any takers on this shorty. I'd like to hear speculation on this intro and where you feel it is going. I am trying to lead the reader through this with straight forward action. I want the reader to see where this is heading to a degree.
“Sessions are currently closed to non-voting aged children, Mrs. Wescott,” said the MindLink administrator. This apparently infuriated Allen’s mother. He fidgeted in the uncomfortable chair. “What he has seen must be reported to I am Democracy!” His mothers tone made him nearly as uncomfortable as the stranger he’d seen. “We can establish a MindLink for you, and if what was witnessed by your son is relevant to I Am Democracy, your son will no doubt be summoned to link.” Her word seemed final. “Tell her, Mom, about how it changed from a person to—well something terrible.” Allen’s plea didn’t change the steadfast bureaucrat’s mind.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 28, 2008).]
posted
This is my first critic, I hope I use the Quotes right.
I like the feel of this. It seems to me as a big brother society, “I am Democracy!” being ironic. It had a couple of places where I had to reread for clarity.
1. I am not sure what type of session they are at, if it is a thought police tattle session then I did get it but since I am wondering that, there may be away you can clear that up.
2. [quote]“ …if what was witnessed by your some…” [quote] I think you mean “son”; also in that same sentence the MindLink administrator says, [quote}“we can establish a MindLink…your son will no doubt be summoned to link”. [quote]” Why would he need to link twice?
3. [Quote] “Tell her, Mom, about how it changed from a person to—well something terrible.” [Quote] I’m sure this is correct grammar but on first read it seemed like he was telling his mom to tell her mom about how it changed. To me it would read easier if he said, “Mom, tell her about how it changed from a person to—well something terrible.” I think you could even not use “Mom”. I also don’t think a kid would say, “something terrible.” I would try to describe it if I was telling my mom.
I do like this. I like the kid, I hope he gets away from his mother and takes charge at some point.
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“Sessions are currently closed to non-voting hyphen (otherwise "aged" would modify "children aged children, Mrs. Wescott,” said the MindLink administrator. This apparently infuriated Allen’s mother. He fidgeted in the uncomfortable chair. “What he has seen must be reported to I am Democracy!” His mothers needs apostrophe to show possession tone made him nearly as uncomfortable as the stranger he’d seen. “We can establish a MindLink for you, and if what was witnessed by your some your sonis relevant to I Am be consistent with capitalization Democracy, your son will no doubt be summoned to link.” Her word seemed in whose POV?final. “Tell her, Mom, about how it changed from a person to—well something terrible.” Allen’s plea didn’t change the steadfast bureaucrat’s mind do we need the adj steadfast? It kind of stuck out as a POV shift since it's a judgement.
The point of view feels slippery. Are you going for omniscient? It didn't quite work for me.
As for where it's going... I have no idea. My best guess is that the kid saw a shape shifter or werewolf or something and wants to report it to the local watchdog group or authorities or something. But I don't understand what it has to do with voting. I'm not entirely hooked.
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I'll look at this, if you want a full critique, and let you know if I had a good idea where it was going from this opener. Should be able to remember long enough at this length.
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posted
I think this would be helped by two things: * Stay in one person's head. At the end you go from Allen's thoughts to the administrator's. * Make sure the antecedent for pronouns is clear:
quote:...the MindLink administrator. This apparently infuriated Allen’s mother. He fidgeted in the uncomfortable chair.
My reaction to this was: Allen's mother is a 'he'? Huh? Oh. Maybe the author was using 'he' to mean the administrator? But administrators don't usually fidget. OK. Maybe Allen is a young child, and 'he' means Allen.
But that's too much work on the reader. Better to clearly identify Allen as the fidgeter.
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Three flashes in five days. Honestly just cleaning out the old story closet, revising a couple oldies. After dumping My WOTF, It is feeling good to get some stuff ready to submit.
