posted
Hello, I am looking for opinions on construction, character development and plot. Hard to do in 13 sentences. I am new, full of "story" with little writing experience. I am finished with the first draft of the book, now I need help polishing it. I bought "BLOCKBUSTER PLOTS",and am working on a scene tracker diagram.
writing in the Sci-fi Fantasy genre seems to be the most fun and flows like "water" for me. I hope you like the "salty" flavor. We are given a quest as the result of the Mayan Calendar prophecy of 2012. This came about after an epiphany I had at sea. You are missing the fantasy part a couple more lines in the book, "the story to this point is actually true:"
We were on the wind, hard on the wind, sailing up the California coast from San Diego. “ALLURE”, our Columbia 50, healing over with deck awash, wind pressure forced us into a constant battle between the lateral wind force on our sails and the heavy lead ballast trying to succumbing to the force of gravity that tried “pulling” us upright, such is the life of a sailboat. “ALLURE” still pounded under reefed sails. Spray was flying, the taste of salt water in my mouth and stinging my eyes. “The wind was against the tide off Pt Magu”. It was fall I think, 2010, we were making for Ventura, which was going to be our new harbor and home. I hated to leave Chula Vista, the “old harbor”, because I had a “sit in” at “Bob’s On the Bay “ Seafood Restaurant. I would
Joe
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 12, 2008).]
posted
Positive side - the writing has good energy, quick-paced, colorful word choice. Negative side - there's so much jargon in the opening lines that I was lost by the end of the first sentence. I feel like you're writing specifically for seafarers, sci-fi or not. The less jargon, the wider the audience. Yes, you know precisely what you're talking about, and that's great, but opening with all this . . . stuff . . . boggled my brain. I couldn't possibly keep reading the rest, b/c I wouldn't get it. How to strike a balance between storytelling for lay-people while being true to all that stuff, and be entertaining at the same time? Hmm.
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited September 11, 2008).]
posted
I have sailed my own sailboat. A tiny one. So I enjoyed the first paragraph some. However I can see how most readers might find it overwhelming.
The second paragraph starting out with the tentative season and year, was okay although I think that part could/should have come first of all. My personal preference. But the rest about the drums and all left me cold. I was expecting story development and you gave me what amounted to another start to the story. A start I did not like as well.
Some raconteurs CAN go on for a while with description, but you aren't there yet. I want a reason, an emotional one (even if it is only curiosity) to read on.
posted
Well now, I am to esoteric in my sailing jargon. OK. As to the drums I do miss them. 13 lines are the background of what is about to happen. Thank you both for your insights, that's why I came here. 40 years as a mariner, sailor that's the way I talk and relate. I guess you might say my, style? I will re-write the 1st 13 and have another go!
posted
I have re-written the first few pages and learned how important they are when you want to "grab" a reader and entice them to "turn the page". thanks again for your critique.
We were sailing up the California coast from San Diego. It was fall I think, 2010. “ALLURE”, our Columbia 50, healing over with deck awash. Spray was flying, the taste of salt water in my mouth and stinging my eyes. “The wind was against the tide off Pt Magu”, making our passage uncomfortable and very difficult. We were making for Ventura, Ca. our new harbor and home. Spanky, “our Cockatiel”, was taking some spray, which is unusual as he was under the canvass dodger on the port side of the cockpit. He was very unhappy and letting me know about it, “squawking” loudly as we pounded into wave after wave. Annie was curled up in her windward spot in the starboard side of the cockpit being quiet and holding on.
I am setting the stage in the beginning 13 pages for an occurrence that happens on this passage. I want the reader to "taste the salt" and see if we make it. The adventure is yet to come.
posted
Bravo! You found a nice balance for the technical lingo. You can use jargon if its not too much, the sentences aren't too complicated, and the meaning can be gleaned from the context. I miss your nice opening line, "We were hard on the wind, sailing ..."
I like the flow of your sentences, the movement in your descriptions. But I stumble over “ALLURE, our Columbia 50, healing over with deck awash.” It’s a fragment, not a sentence, and pulls me out of the flow. Suggest: “Allure, our Columbia 50, healed over with her deck awash.” Boat names may be all CAPS in the boating world, but I have never seen it done that way in fiction.
I don’t think you need both paragraph breaks, letting “We were making for Ventura, Ca. our new harbor and home” stand alone. It belongs to the end of the first paragraph. Also “Ca.” jumps out; you already mentioned California, so you don’t need it, and the abbreviation doesn’t fit in narrative writing.
I like how you shift from the general voyage description to the scene inside the boat, keeping the sense of motion going. Very nice! I feel like I’m there, salt spray and all.
You don’t need “which is unusual as he was”… I don’t care if it’s unusual. You also don’t need “being”; use a comma instead. As a rule of thumb, I watch out for the extra had, was, were, been, being, etc. and cut them when the sentence structure allows.
Please get rid of all the “quotes.” None of them belong here.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 12, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
