posted
Below are the first 13 lines of a short story about war in the future and immortal soldiers. Intrested to see if you would like to read on and/or read the rest of the story.
--------------- His boots slipped in the dirt as he pushed his way up the hill ignoring the intense burning pain in his calves as he pushed ever upwards. His body shook as mortar rounds exploded around him and he crouched as low as possible in an attempt to avoid the hot chunks of metal hissing through the air looking for a fleshy target. He feared that he would die before he had a chance to engage the enemy. The fear of death was pointless as he knew death awaited him. His greatest fear was to have a pointless death, to stumble before engaging the enemy, to die without making his mark on the battle. His fear drove him further up the hill towards the enemy; he yearned to see their face, to feel their fear, to rip the life right out of their hearts.
posted
I felt that there is the potential for an interesting question in here - his greatest fear was to have a pointless death. Unfortunately I got a little too distracted by the writing to connect with the story, and also found it too difficult to connect to the character.
quote:(1)His boots slipped in the dirt as he pushed his way up the hill ignoring the intense burning (2)pain in his calves as he (3)pushed ever upwards. His body shook as mortar rounds exploded around him (4)and he crouched as low as possible in an attempt to avoid the hot chunks of metal hissing through the air looking for a fleshy target. He feared that he would die before he had a chance to engage the enemy. The fear of death was pointless as he knew death awaited him. (5)His greatest fear was to have a pointless death, to stumble before engaging the enemy, to die without making his mark on the battle. His fear drove him further up the hill towards the enemy; he yearned to see their face, to feel their fear, to (6)rip the life right out of their hearts.
(1) I wasn't sure about the use of He/his to describe the character here and in the fragment that follows. The main character appears to almost be anonymous - he's not described. Imagine this is a story being read aloud - would not the narrator first tell the audience who the story is about? It doesn't have to be silly: "Auburn hair slicked back with mud, SAS specialist McSilly's face was gripped in a constant grimace." It could simply help zoom us in to this character and tell us he's going to remain anonymous: "Amidst the sounds of war, those ignominious sharp cracks that are the death of men, a lone man struggled to climb a hill." Now, that I have something, I'm happier with the pronouns His and He. But that's just me.
(2) Is the subject of this sentence the pain he is ignoring or his boots slipping? It almost looks like a run-on sentence: "His boots slipped in the dirt as he pushed his way up the hill. He ignored the intense burning pain in his calves as he pushed ever upwards." Are they both necessary? Can you combine them? ie. "He knew he'd been ignoring the pain in his legs too long when his boots slipped against the steep slope"
(3) Repetition can be useful, however I don't get the sense that it is important enough to repeat the 'pushed upwards' phrase in this case. It calls attention to itself.
(4) The cause/effect sequence in this sentence doesn't seem plausible to me. If his body shook due to mortars exploding and then he crouched, it would be as swiss cheese. It's like he's dodging bullets. Shrapnel only moves slowly in the movies. In slow motion.
(5) I like this sentence, however I think it makes the two sentences that precede it redundant. Ie, "to stumble before engaging the enemy" restates "He feared that he would die before he had a chance to engage the enemy", and "The fear of death was pointless as he knew death awaited him" seems to be implied by the situation, not needing to be stated (when it does get stated, it reads as melodrama to me).
(6) I don't know if I think this works for me, because (a) I don't know if he's human, or a super monster with claws that will do this literally, and (b) I have not been allowed sufficiently inside his head to understand why he feels this way, and so can't connect with him.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited May 18, 2009).]
I’m with Ben. There’s a lot of repetition in phrasing, i.e “Protag (or protag’s possession) verb…” There’s only one sentence in the opening 13 that doesn’t follow this pattern. You’ve also used redundant phrasing (as Ben has identified) and that amplifies the effect of distance I feel throughout the 1st 13.
There are plenty of stories out there that don’t name the protagonist, but they tend to offer a strong connection to your protagonist in compensation. Without even the fear of death, there’s nothing for me to cling to. I don’t necessarily need to have him described, but I have to feel some connection (however faint) to him. I know nothing about him apart from the fact he’s a soldier.
The 1st sentence is a monster; I’d suggest breaking it up or trimming it. There’s two thoughts here (pushing up the hill, the pain in his calves) and it interferes with smooth reading.
In terms of establishing the character’s motivation, I think the repetition of explaining how it’s fear of not confronting the enemy is too much. I got it from “He feared that he would die before he had a chance to engage the enemy.” That explains everything I need to know about his motivation.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 18, 2009).]
posted
Thanks Nick and Ben for the really detailed replies!! There is a lot of work that needs to be done to this opening. I’ve just thrown the reader into the battle without any connection to anything. I did write an introduction with some background into the war but left this out. Looking back I now understand that without this I’ve left the reader disoriented with no reference points. Also very little of it moved the story foward. But once again thanks for such a thorough and detailed response. It’s not often in writing boards that your work gets such a good critique.
I’m here to learn and I’ve already learned a lot from your posts. I’ve taken a step back and had another stab at the first 13. I do not expect it to be perfect by any means. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, hopefully it’s a step in a better direction.
------------------------------
The heat of the midday sun pounded the earth while a dense fog advanced onto the battle field. A group of young soldiers prepared themselves to enter the most fierce and brutal battle of the war. One of the soldiers the tallest in his squad past morphine pills to his fellow brothers, the fear of death could not be numbed but the pain could be soothed. He gave a quick knowing glance to his squad mates as they swallowed the pills. He noticed how the contours of their young faces were not yet moulded by time. At fifteen he was the oldest, unlike the younger members he knew the fear of death was futile, his greatest fear was to have a pointless death, to stumble before engaging the enemy. As the morphine took affect they started the long walk towards the frontline.
posted
I find it hard to imagine how the sun is pounding the earth when there is a dense fog--wouldn't the fog be blocking a lot of the sunlight? Also, "battle field" should be one word.
Maybe have some stonger descriptions in there to set the scene more clearly? "Advanced" is a fairly weak description for the way the fog is moving, and how are the soldiers preparing themselves for battle? They could be doing anything and so the reader doesn't know what they are supposed to be picturing here.
"Past" should be "passed" and you're missing a couple of commas in there, such as after "One of the soldiers"
I'm not really hooked at the minute--I like to be grounded in a story early on, but here I have no idea where this is set, no idea who is fighting who or why, I don't even know the MC's name. I think even if you just answered one of these questions in the first 13 then you would have a stronger hook.
posted
Thanks for the feedback, you are right about the logic of the fog and the sun. I knew what I was trying to say but it didnt work so well on paper. I will rework this.
As for the battle, I didnt set the battle scene, it could be at the North pole or a distant planet. The reader is not grounded in the physics of the battle, which is an issue. Although I will find this hard to put in without useing up the 13 lines and turning it into a back story. I will go back an have another rethink. Once again some great feedback.
posted
Here is another shot at it, all feedback welcomed.
-------------------------------
Under a fiery nights sky Henry rechecked his weapon trying to ignore the origin of his artificial light. The moon was on fire, moon dust and rock bellowed into space covering half the sky in glowing embers. Secondary explosions littered the surface of the moon as city upon city was destroyed. The year was 2050 it was the 30th year of enlightenment wars. By attacking the moon the savage minds were breaking the rules in a last gasp attempt for total victory. Henry and his fellow young solders were about to hit back in what was to be the most bloody and fierce battle of the war. At fifteen he was the oldest member of his squad, unlike the younger soldiers he knew the fear of death was futile, his greatest fear was to have a pointless death, to stumble before engaging the enemy.
posted
Under a fiery nights night's? or better yet, just nightsky Henry rechecked his weapon, trying to ignore the origin of his artificial lightthe phrase "artificial light" really threw me. It took a long time for me to figure out what you were talking about. I didn't connect it to what you describe later. The moon was on fire, moon dust and rock bellowed can't picture dust and rock bellowinginto space covering half the sky in glowing embers. Secondary explosions littered the surface of the moon as city upon city was destroyed. The year was 2050 it was the 30th year of enlightenment wars. By attacking the moon the savage mindsHuh? What savage minds? were breaking the rules in a last gasp attempt for total victory. Henry and his fellow young solderssoldiers were about to hit back in what was to be the most bloody and fierce bloodiest and fiercestbattle of the war. At fifteen he was the oldest member of his squad, unlike the younger soldiers he knew the fear of death was futile,; or . would work better[/]b his greatest fear was to have a pointless death, to stumble before engaging the enemy.
You start off tightly in the boy's POV, and then pull away into a broad summary, which I found disengaging. I really love the idea that he's trying hard to ignore the light from all the destruction. I suggest you stay in that moment and move Henry's story forward. THe background and detail can take care of itself as the story progresses. My 2 cents.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 25, 2009).]
posted
Thanks Annapin for the feedback, you hit the nail on the head. I had issues myself with artificial light; when I wrote it I thought it was awkward. . What were very interesting points about the feedback were the different sometimes conflicting views from the different posters. Should I step back and ground the reader in the setting or should I pour forward with emotion and action focusing only on the character? I don’t think there is any right answer, it depends on the writer. What I’ve learned is to commit to a style and theme that I feel is right. I’ve revised the passage once more and now will work it back into the story. I won’t repost the it for a while I don’t want to saturate the boards with this one story. The 13 lines is a very useful tool I will be definitely posting the first 13 of my other stories. Thanks again for all the feedback.
Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I really like the descriptive process you went through. I had a clear visual of the kind of environment he might be in. I could almost feel the character's worries and fears well up in me as I read. Although the sudden change in emotion caught me off guard. His shift from fear to determination to anxious waiting was rather sudden. All in all it's a very good start it keeps me hooked just fine.
Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2009
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
