posted
I know I've seen this concept elsewhere and probably ought to pay royalities to Jane. Still, it's a story line that tickles my imagination and makes me wonder if I'd ever stop asking questions. Here's the 13:
“Our implant and patient are doing fine. It took a few days to train the neuro-interface, but the basic search function is delivering responses just like that.” The guy in the white lab coat snapped his fingers. The suits shared triumphant smiles. “He’s done remarkably well with the advance search and sorting techniques. We’re still limiting the inputs, but soon he’ll be ready to access everything on the Net simply by mentally asking a question,” the lab coat continued. “Or he could go vegetable like the others. We’re monitoring him closely.” Connor Smith secretly watched the web conference from a sterile hospital room at Earth Online headquarters. “Soon?” he laughed, rebooting the monitor.
* * * Is this worth developing or so familiar a ploy that folks will guess how the story goes and cast it aside? Your crit is welcome.
I haven't finished the story, but I've outlined a darkly funny scene of Conner on Jeopardy.
posted
There's nothing wrong with using ideas that are commonplace and have been used before as long as you can put enough good stuff around them (interesting twists, great characters, wonderful writing) to dispel any sense of deja vu.
But it would be a good idea to try and show an editor, in your opening 13, that you're capable of doing that. For me, this opening doesn't. Guy in white lab coat, "suits", and the secretly laughing watcher (who I take it is the subject) do feel like I've been here before.
quote:“Our implant and patient are doing fine. It took a few days to train the neuro-interface, but the basic search function is delivering responses just like that. (1)” The guy in the white lab coat snapped his fingers. The suits shared triumphant smiles. (2) “He’s done remarkably well with the advance search and sorting techniques. We’re still limiting the inputs, but soon he’ll be ready to access everything on the Net simply by mentally asking a question (3),” the lab coat continued. “Or he could go vegetable like the others. We’re monitoring him closely.” Connor Smith secretly watched (4) the web conference from a sterile hospital room at Earth Online headquarters. “Soon?” he laughed, rebooting the monitor.
-1. You're short of 13 lines here. Remember that thirteen lines will completely fill the text entry box, not including extra lines inbetween dialogue or paragraphs. Use as much of the 13 as you can, it'll help us judge your opening a little better. Don't be afraid to leave us hanging in mid sentence, though I do try and get a full one in there, even if it means Kathleen might come along and do some trimming for me.
1. A weird change in the level of diction, between some technical wording and some infomercial-level wording. Keep your characters tone consistent - if this is a scientist reporting to a group of investors, he'll probably maintain a professional level of discourse, no?
2. I dislike the terms the guy in the white lab coat and the suits. The POV character probably knows who these people are, even if he might not know their names. Identify them more specifically. Those two descriptions are from the very dregs of the trope barrel.
3. This bit of information (and the next bit about going vegetable) are an example of a character spouting information to other characters who already have this information. The investors are aware of the benefits and risks of this procedure, after all, they're (potentially) funding it. Introduce this to us in a more natural way. Here's a great instance where showing might be a good idea. Your MC could be trying out his new powers, seeing how he can search the net with a mere thought. He could be bothered by the potential for a persistent vegetative state if the next upgrade goes slightly awry, or maybe feels remorse and sadness for others in the program that he got to know who weren't as lucky as he was.
4. New character, new paragraph. Brush up on the grammar basics.
Honestly, if I was an editor, I wouldn't go past here. Too much of the same, not strong enough technically, no desire to see page 2. There is promise here (presumably) so work on the opening, but thus far it's a lose for me.
posted
The set up isn't working for me, either. That's not to say there isn't a good story here; nor do I mean to suggest you can't take a familiar concept and make it your own.
The most interesting part of the story wasn't the lab-coated guy and suits--these seem like stock figures and the scientist's monologue is stilted and overly expository. To me, the interesting character was Connor. I would suggest dispensing with the lab scene and starting off with Connor doing/ thinking something.
posted
For me, all this really needs is a bit of technical cleanup and re-arranging.
Do the paragraph thing as wolfboy mentions.
I'd add a name to at least the guy in the lab coat, as mentioned Connor probably knows who he is.
I do think maybe starting off with Connor might make it cleaner and easier. I didn't get the impression we were watching it on a screen till the end of the fragment. So perhaps have Connor, have him looking, then after the comment about him accessing everything on the net mentally you could have him thinking something like "Soon is already here" or something like that but better.
It's not especially familiar to me but I don't read all that much sci fi.
posted
It would work better for me if we knew from the start that this was a video feed being watched by Connor. You can still hold off from revealing that he is the subject until he stops watching, like:
quote:Connor Smith secretly watched the web conference from a sterile hospital room at Earth Online headquarters. “Our implant and patient are doing fine. It took a few days to train the neuro-interface, but the basic search function is delivering responses just like that.” The guy in the white lab coat snapped his fingers. The suits shared triumphant smiles. “He’s done remarkably well with the advance search and sorting techniques. We’re still limiting the inputs, but soon he’ll be ready to access everything on the Net simply by mentally asking a question,” the lab coat continued. “Or he could go vegetable like the others. We’re monitoring him closely.” “Soon?” Connor laughed, rebooting the monitor...
This way, I am not bothered as much by the "lab coat and suit" identifiers - Connor might not know these people, and it makes the POV obvious from the start.
posted
I disagree. If we're going to stop reading or writing something that's similar to what's been done before, we might as well give up, because it's very, very difficult to do something that's 100% original.
I also disagree that this intro holds nothing interesting. Anytime anyone tries to outsmart anyone, there's plenty of potential for an intriguing story. And there's enormous potential with the neuro-Internet thing. Combine these two elements and a writer is committing malpractice if he doesn't entertain us.
But I agree that you need to open with Conner. Something like: "Conner started to chuckle as Dr. so-n-so droned on to his fellow lab coats."
The main fault I see is that for Connor to have precognitive, telepathic or scrying abilities, he should know their names by the people talking and listening. As you have it, his consciousness is a ghost in the room (or a fly on the wall), and if that's what you mean, you should illustrate it cleaner.
Otherwise: see where the story leads.
I have a flash fiction story published that was accused of being a Cormac McCarthy rip off, yet there were only two common factors. It was rough seeing the accusation, but the story is so personal, I'm still proud of it. Don't quit before you start. Explore. You may find a better beginning after you scribble "The End".
posted
Thanks everyone. Apologies for this tardy response. The discussion is incredibly helpful and, ultimately, encouraging. (And I needed that.) My spirit is unfulfilled if I'm not writing. But, I have to admit, I'm getting really BORED and overloaded with business writing. Right now, I'm just beyond the first blank page of an estimated 50-page business plan for nonprofit research and development, training, and safety. Deadline's just before Thanksgiving. Needless to say (why do people say that just before saying something?), I've had no time to rewrite this frag. It's on my "to do" list. Now, I've got to return to that business plan that is sucking the fun out of writing.
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