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William peered into the dark black smith shop. The glow of the forge illuminated the silhouette of the blacksmith as he hammered on the plow he was mending. As the metal of the plow started to fade from a bright orange to cherry red, the smithy lifted it back into the forge and began working the billows with his foot. It didn’t take long at all for the metal to regain its vibrant glow. The smithy returned it to the anvil and began the usual hammering. It was a nearly constant sound that could be heard across the small village. William’s attention turned to the tools and trinkets that laid about the small shop. Dozens of finished tools were sitting on the shelves. Picks, shovels, saws, augers, hammers, tongs, sickles, shears, pitch forks, hatchets, and a large woodcutter axe, were
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 11, 2010).]
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Well, it sets a scene. I could nit pick some elements of the scene, but the real problem is that this opening doesn't give me any idea who William is or why I should care about him, or any hint of a conflict, any real speculative element, or anything that hooks me and would make me want to turn the page.
It might work all right as the opening of a novel. But a short story has to get to the point sooner. Believe me, it's something I struggle with.
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Maybe that's my problem. All my stories I plan on making novels out of but I don't have even a novella worth written yet so I post it in the short story thread. Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Stephen King has written that you really shouldn't show people works in progress. I tend to agree with that. I'm sure there will be some discussion about this (as several authors here have released WIPs) but I use the burning desire to share as motivation for finishing a work. I am on the cusp of posting here shortly, and the desire to throw out my first 13 for everyone to marvel at is great, but for now I refuse to show anything until the draft is complete.
Just a suggestion, RSJ, since you wrote that you haven't completed enough to post where you want to.
quote:Stephen King has written that you really shouldn't show people works in progress. I tend to agree with that. I'm sure there will be some discussion about this (as several authors here have released WIPs)
Well, sometimes I do. If I'm having trouble with the beginning. Or, of course, in the WIP thread for the Novel Support Group (NSG). But for short stories I usually wait until I have at least a first draft. If you haven't written the ending, you can't really be sure that you're starting in the right place with a short story, IME. Novels tend to be planned out at least a little more thoroughly, even for a pantser like me.
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The writing itself was pretty good. I could really 'see' things from the descriptions.
Like the others have said, answering the other questions of who is this guy?, what is he doing there?, and why should I care? are important to hook the reader (how are you supposed to punctuate that sentence?!?). You don't need info dumps, but just hints that make you want keep reading to find the answers.
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Even if you only plan on making it a novel, then you should post it in the novels section. Current length doesn't really matter if it is still being worked on.
Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2008
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Thank you, all of you for the feedback. I think it actually would be good advice for me to not share my works in progress. Or I should wait until I have the majority of the story written before sharing them. I'll post my potential novels in the novels section.
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