I know my writing stinks on the first draft. I read somewhere else in this forum, and I couldn't possibly dig it up and tell you where, that the finer points of writing having to do with style and voice don't emerge until the rewrites. So true. I think we can all learn from looking at how another person approaches the rewriting task.

I hope others will post a few examples. Here is mine. Rip into it if you'd like.

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First time through:

I chuckled at the image of Kelly as a skunk, forcing herself on people repelled by her stink. She pressed open the bi-fold doors and I followed her into the café. The view stopped us dead in our tracks - a miniature city loomed ahead.

Located in an old warehouse refurbished with wood and burnished chrome, at least four stories of platforms filled the interior. Winding staircases let to the various gathering places, and the crowds sandwiched in the best viewing ports spilled over like a swarm of ants.

An intensive rewrite:

I chuckled at the image of Kelly, as a skunk, forcing herself on people repelled by her stink. She pressed open the bi-fold doors and I followed her into the café. Like desert travelers accosted by the strip lights of Las Vegas, the view stopped us dead in our tracks.

A throng of people filled the interior. They jostled and pressed against each other in the way a swarm of ants covers a dropped muffin. Faces peered down on us over thin metal railings. The staggered platforms that contained them reached as high as four stories in some places; floating staircases servicing the network laced a curtain of spectators with two-way traffic. The way the arrangement circled the door, I thought at first we had entered onto the stage of a futuristic stadium.

In the first go, you're writing a story. In the second, you're trying to hard to be a writer, and I'm afraid it shows. The action in the first try is much clearer than the second effort.

When you rewrite, do so with an eye towards improving the story, the characterization, moving the plot along clearly, and firmly establishing setting. Try keeping the metaphorical language down to your best gems--only a few really good ones per page. It gets quite tiresome to read that everything in the whole story is like something else, and all these something elses aren't related to each other, nor do they enhance the reader's understanding of the story. A good metaphor or simile is an unusual juxtaposition of two unlike ideas that adds to one's understanding and perception of the story. There's an art to it. It is difficult to put one's finger on why a simile works or not, but if you keep them to a minimum in the first place, they'll be more effective when you use them.

By the way, is it really "chucked," or do you mean "chuckled?"

Thanks also for catching the typo. You can tell I use cut and paste, because I made the same mistake twice. I corrected it above.

I heard once that if you say "blue eyed polar bear" then people can't help but get a mental image of it.
That's the problem I had with both versions. I got unrelated mental flash-images of the following as I read:
woman, skunk, bi-fold doors, café (looked like a Starbucks in my head), desert (sand and camels), Las Vegas strip (colorful blinking lights), black ants, muffin (blueberry because I like them), floating staircases (Escher style), a white lace curtain (prompted by the word laced which was in close proximity to the word curtain), two-way traffic (a blacktop road with yellow lines down the middle), and a stadium
95% of those images did nothing to describe what the POV character (and the reader) is supposed to be looking at. Thus they confused the image in my head, instead of making it clearer.

My suggestion is to stick to the first version. It was simpler. You might want to remove "a miniature city". As I read, I took it too literally. Then I couldn't get a mental image of what they were really looking at.

If you go with version one, you need to focus on the second paragraph. I think there is a problem with sentence structure.
As I understand it, you are trying to say that:
The interior of the old warehouse was refurbished in wood and burnished chrome. At least four stories worth of platforms filled it from top to bottom.
Your sentence says:
Located in an old warehouse refurbished with wood and burnished chrome, at least four stories of platforms filled the interior.
Ok, So what's the problem?
First of all, it's really two ideas separated by a comma.
Let's separate the two ideas into:
Located in an old warehouse refurbished with wood and burnished chrome. At least four stories of platforms filled the interior.

The second sentence is fine, but the first one is incomplete. It has no subject and no verb.
Try:
The (subject) was located in an old warehouse refurbished with wood and burnished chrome. At least four stories of platforms filled the interior.

Well, that's my 2 cents. Keep working on it. It is a learning process for all of us.

Sorry for being an idiot; I assumed that these were your first 13! I humbly beg your apologies for not being a good critiquer and not reading your post in good enough detail :P.

However, the new version does suffer from major problems.

Quote:
I chuckled at the image of Kelly, as a skunk, forcing herself on people repelled by her stink. She pressed open the bi-fold doors and I followed her into the café

The first sentence demands explanation from elsewhere, so it shall be left alone. The second sentence is also fine. Good first two sentences!

Quote:Like desert travelers accosted by the strip lights of Las Vegas, the view stopped us dead in our tracks.

Eeeiik! Alright, imagery is good and all that. As a personal charactersitic, I dislike this kind of writing. But by itself, it is OK.

Quote: They jostled and pressed against each other in the way a swarm of ants covers a dropped muffin.

a) This sentance makes me laugh.
b) It immediately drops the reader out of any immersion s/he may have in your text. It is simply way too over the line.

Quote:Faces peered down on us over thin metal railings. The staggered platforms that contained them reached as high as four stories in some places; floating staircases servicing the network laced a curtain of spectators with two-way traffic.

This entire chunk is written in an elaborate, high-style prose. The reader will have to bear all his/her strength to decipher it. Which is, IMO, very, very bad.

Quote:The way the arrangement circled the door, I thought at first we had entered onto the stage of a futuristic stadium.

This image by itself is not too bad. I disagree with MB. I've had experiences where something feels like it's from a different time, such as when entering those really new cars and they glid over the ground and I get carsick because it feels too unnatural ^^.

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Thoughts: This type of scene, which is really just expository, should not be a major absorber of your time. In fact, after a certain amount of touch-up, you should leave your stuff alone and move on. Do not pile all this literary purple prose on us!

It's great you have an imagination; so do us readers. Please let us use ours to fill in the blanks, and good luck!

Phanto, I appreciate your input. Seems I’m the kind of writer destined to initially over do it, and then cut back in the revision process. You’re right, I shouldn’t spend too much time on the exposition. I wrote another five book pages of this chapter today as well, and they are not exposition. I’m trying to incorporate comic elements though out the entire story, so maybe I should keep the weird muffin image?!#& This is a scene with some build up prior to it, so I think I wanted to do an especially good job visualizing the transition. I think I’ll hold off posting any more rewrites on this one – I don’t want you guys to get as sick of the segment as I am already.

Please, somebody else do this kind of post. We’re all working on the writing process, and I for one need to concentrate more on the process aspects rather than beat myself up over the final product.