posted
This is the opening of a short story (2800 words) I've mostly finished. Not in love with the title. The premise is a man that beats his wife has realistic dreams in prison of being a victim of torture. The dreams are like little time-travel trips because they occur during different periods in time. If that isn't hard enough to sell, the story is all in first person POV (just finished O.S. Cards' Characters and Viewpoint).
Here's the opening. I think it's the weakest part of the entire story because it's exposition to establish the milieu. = = =
Hi Doc. You don’t look surprised to see me in jail again. I really thought all the anger management sessions had me “cured”. Yeah, I beat my wife Vera again two days ago. Sure, she’ll change her story in a week, maybe two and I’ll go free, again. I’m not worried about spending a long sentence behind bars. I didn’t hurt her, not too bad at least. And she loves me too much to press charges and take me to court. No, jail time and the petty thugs in here don’t scare me. It’s the dreams I have when I’m in here that scare me.
Tell you about my dreams? You gotta promise not to declare me crazy and give me drugs to make me “normal.” I only have the dreams in here. For all I know there’s drugs in the prison food making me have these crazy dreams.
I had the first dream about four years ago. That would have been the second or third time I got arrested for beating on Vera. I had been having problems holding down a steady job. Things was bad around here, economy depressed or something and I’ve always had a problem holding in my temper.
= = =
I'd be happy to send the whole thing to anyone interested and/or really bored.
[This message has been edited by Mechwarrior (edited August 15, 2005).]
I don't mind the POV; the theater-goer in me feels like I'm watching a one-man stage play where the main character sits on a stool on a dark stage with a spotlight on him.
The only reason I would think this might be a "hard sell", however, is that it's hard to fathom why an average reader would want to read about prisons, abuse and torture, even if there is some time-travel bits in it. (But I only made this observation based on what was explained before the 13 lines.)
Most people would like to see at least some sort of redemption or justice from a piece with such heavy themes. If there's neither, there will be a very slim audience, indeed.
Just my thoughts,
Varishta
[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 15, 2005).]
posted
Your concept of time travel through dreams reminds of the Butterfly Effect, but I'm sure your manuscript will be better than that movie, although it was interesting. I do think this story made too hard a jump for me. He goes from beating his wife to his dreams. I know they are related, but it seemed like it was too rigid.
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 15, 2005).]
posted
First: The detail "two days ago" and the "I had been having problems" seem out of character.
Now: I have no experience with this sort of thing in real life, but wouldn't Doc be concerned about the "she'll change her story in a week," "she loves me too much to press charges" details?
I might recommend changing his crime to something less senseless. That would hardly help the heavy themes problem Varishta mentioned, but if he's being tortured in his dreams for this . . . I far rather read about a guy dreaming of torture (time travel or no) who struggles with the guilt of a past crime (and, preferably, recovers from both) than about the details of a vicious cycle the guy's trapped himself in.
An alternative: is the torture the story? I find the dreams/time travel idea intriguing: could the focus be there? (Maybe it is, but the intro doesn't show it.)
posted
Personally, I'm all up for reading about torture, prisons, and abuse! And as long as there's something sympathetic about the character, I think I could manage it. (I'm not sure yet. Jury's still out.)
I would like a less self-aware narrator. He seems pretty explicit, no dodges, no denials. I find him a little hard to believe in -- he'd be safer in his role if he shaded issues and did the Bart Simpson defense ("I was framed!").
posted
Thanks everyone. This opening definitely needs reworking. It is one of the rare instances where I had the story before I had a hook. I need to look at what does the reader need to know: The guy is in and out of jail for beating his wife. He's not real bright and he doesn't understand that it's wrong to beat his wife. He has these "time travel" dreams about historical atrocities but can't reconcile the dreams with his personal actions.
I like the tie to Butterfly Effect, wish I'd thought of before I started writing (I don't like Ashton Kutcher but I thought the Deluxe Edition was good)
posted
I'm not enthralled at all with the character and see no reason to like him. But I'm not big on violence, so I'm probably not your target audience.
I disagree with Corvus about the character's rationalization about "she won't press charges; she loves me too much."
I have worked as an advocate for victims of domestic violence, and this is very much a pattern that happens over and over. The victim calls the cops to make him stop beating her, he's arrested, she drops the charges because he promises he'll change and that it will never happen again. Within the field it is called the Cycle of Violence, and I have an outline of it on my website: http://www.a2zgorge.info/prevention-index.htm
I don't know how this character's dreams are influencing his violence to his wife. If you wish to build even a shred of sympathy in me for this character, I need to know in your first 13 that the dreams are a factor.
posted
Thanks Elan for the in-depth explanation of the Cycle of Violence and your personal experiences. That's exactly why I made his crime spouse abuse. It's the only crime I know of that can be committed over and over again and the "criminal" spends almost no time in jail or faces any real punishment.
I'm definitely not going for a sympathetic character (guess that's the 3rd hard sell) but the dreams do affect him.
I recently read an old story idea of mine about the torture of Hell is being forced to experience all the pain you caused someone. I might try incorporating that into the reasons for the dreams.
posted
Id be interested in reading, if youd like to send it. I actually like the way the story's being told, from the prinsoner to the therapist. Its a different perspective, almost like stahding on your head to watch a movie youve seen a thousand times. Well done, but if you want to hook an ediot, you need the first 13 lines to be more gripping.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I'm aware of the cyclic nature of abuse, although I learned some things from your website. I meant that the guy Mechwarrior's speaker is addressing - "Doc" - would probably recognize the cycle. And assuming the guy really is some kind of doctor (psychiatrist? therapist?) he would try to stop it. He'd refer the wife to your website first of all, and he'd be impatient when the husband tried to change the subject and talk about his dreams.
I see what you mean though, Mechwarrior, about the in-and-out-of-prison-without-real-punishment factor.
posted
Just wanted to comment on Ragdoll's comment:
Its a different perspective, almost like standing on your head to watch a movie you've seen a thousand times.
I'll have to remember that one. Try watching movies like Blade Runner or the first Star Wars trilogy with the sound off. You really notice all the little details the set designers put into the movie. It's also a great way to pick up on continuity goofs - like a character's shoes suddenly changing, little things in scenery disappearing or moving around.
posted
Corvus has a good point, one that was already bugging me. The kind of guy that beats his wife only gets away with it so long as he consistently makes out that she is lying about the abuse. My father has never, to my knowledge, admitted it to anyone, including my mother.
So having him admit it outright seems wildly unrealistic. Having him deny it seems much more sensible, and it would give you the opportunity to do something really interesting with your first person narrator.
Or not, you can make his denials as pathetically thin or as plausible as you like. But we're much more likely to believe in the story as a whole if he at least acts the way real wife-beaters act.
The second point is that there is no such thing as "exposition" in a first person account. Or rather, everything is exposition, it's all the say-so of the narrator. If what you mean is that the first-person doesn't continue through the body of the story, then you're making a serious mistake by opening with it. There are some POV shifts that you simply cannot do. Shifting out of first person without a proper "frame" bounding the end of the first person account is one of those shifts you can't pull off (if you do pull it off, then you used a proper frame, pretty much by definition).
Anyway, those are both possible major problems with the story. I'd have to hold off on critiquing it till a later version anyway.
posted
I've made some changes to the opening and to the story based on some comments, for which I'm appreciative.
Just to clarify a few things, when I called the opening 'exposition' I meant it in the strict sense that it's primary purpose is to provide background. The whole story remains in first person and no frames.
I can see there are a couple different views on the personalities and attitudes of wife beaters. I can only write about the type I know and those neanderthals still follow an Old Testament interpretation of wife as property. They were brought up with the belief you shoot dogs that bite you and beat women, and children, that get out of line. I have worked on making this guy feel wronged or misunderstood rather than blatantly unrepetent. I'm not trying to engender any sympathy for him, he's a monster acting out his nature and upbringing.
Anyway, here's an updated opener:
Hi Doc. You don’t look surprised to see me in jail again. I really thought all the anger management sessions had me “cured”. I’ve stayed out of trouble for over a year but I beat my wife Vera two days ago. I didn’t hurt her, not too bad at least, and she loves me too much to press charges and take me to court. I’ll probably get out in a week or two, but I don’t know if I can handle that anymore. I’m not afraid of jail or the petty thugs in here, I’m afraid of the dreams I have every time I’m in here. Tell you about my dreams? You gotta promise not to declare me crazy and give me drugs to make me “normal.” For all I know there’s drugs in the prison food making me have these crazy dreams. I only have the dreams in here. I had the first dream about four years ago. I had been having problems holding down a steady job. Things was bad around here, economy depressed or something and I’ve always had a problem holding in my temper.
posted
That explains him but it doesn't explain how he's getting away with it. It doesn't explain Doc. Since Doc is a major element in your narrative frame, that's a problem with the whole story.
Even if this guy thinks that beating up his wife is okay (and wife beaters do tend to believe that), he might still lie about it to some paper collar headshrinker to improve his chances of getting out of jail.
posted
It sounds to me your readers aren't going to let you get away with your opener. I wish I could disagree with them cause I hate it when some one points out a major flaw in my stories 'cause then I have to rewrite the whole thing again. (like my Khaw story) However, they all have good points and to make your story great I really think the wife-beater would lie even to the Doc... just an opion though, I like how unrepentant he is and how he is just so casual about the whole thing, he isn't afraid of jail, or the wrath of God, or even his wife maybe one day buying a gun and blowing his head off or just leaving him, it is really interesting the only thing this monster fears is his own mind, the dreams he has When he is in jail! That is cool! Ok, one more thing... maybe he is afraid of jail 'cause that is when the dreams happen... Cool stuff!
Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Thanks BJK. I did fiddle with the opener based on some ideas/comments here. Most stories I write aren't long enough to include a developed antagonist so it was interesting to write a story solely about an antagonist. The story was for a contest and received better reviews than I expected. I don't think it's on par with some of the other entries but it was different enough that I got some name recognition.
Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2005
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