posted
Okay, I tried the suggestions I was given. Hope this is an improvement. Thanks.
<<Mira was not the same. She seemed white, orange, yellow, red and blue all in the same instant. Jacob was knocked onto his butt by a stronger, much hotter wind. Mira laughed and said, “I love you, Jacob. I’ll marry you.” What happened next was described by onlookers as an eruption of flame and gale. Jacob smiled in his last moments of life, placing the ring on Mira’s finger and, despite her appearance, despite the heat he felt coming from her, he pulled her to her feet and they kissed. Mira felt little of the kiss, but much of Jacob’s love. She rose from the ground, Jacob reaching after her. But Mira ignited. With white hot joy she was weightless. Great pushes of heat and flame burst from her like ripples from a hewn boulder. Walls were leveled, the fountain dried up and the shell burst. Trees were incinerated, leaving nothing but ash behind. The marble bench on which Mira had sat flew thirty feet behind her, crashing through the three story glass wall of the building that had edged the Square. The dead hadn’t even time to turn and flee before the ripples had burned them where they>>
posted
Crap. I again did something wrong. No one read the first post I didn't submit the first thirteen lines. Sorry. Is it okay to submit them now, or am I done for?
Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I didn't read the first version, but I'm really confused about what's supposed to be happening here. Mira's catching fire but this is a good thing and Jason wants to marry her anyway and then everyone dies in a firey conflagration? I also have no idea what "like ripples from a hewn boulder" means, unless you've tossed the boulder in a lake or something.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Gee, I hate to be the dark raincloud here, but I think this is MUCH worse than the last version. You've gone from somewhat confusing to "What the (bleep) is she talking about?" You can't do this in your opener. You have a job to do in your first 13 lines, and that is to hook the reader. By presenting all this confusing mish-mash of what-the-heck, you are not only not hooking the reader, you are shoving them away.
In my opinion, you are trying to be coy with your plot. I get the feeling that you are trying to keep back the details so you can "surprise" the reader. Bad mistake!!! You need to be clear and up front about EXACTLY what is happening, particularly in your opener. Your reader can't hook in if the text is gibberish, which this is.
If you wish to have a dream-like sequence, wait until you've set up your milieu, given the reader a chance to know your character (and like them), and gotten them intrigued with the story. THEN you have far more leniency to subject them to weird dream-like things.
I suggest you start the story earlier. What brought Mira to this point? When did she make her decision to be subjected to whatever-the-heck she's going through? When did she first notice she was different?
Start THERE, let us get to know the character. Then go on to spin the fantastical elements of your story.
(Edited because some of what *I* wrote was gibberish.)
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 25, 2005).]
posted
I can't tell if the catching fire was metaphor or literal. I think it's metaphor because she's white-hot flame and still talking. I think it's not because of the detail. This is a problem for me!
If it's literal, we get the added problem that the characters we just met won't be able to continue the story, because they're dead. I think.
posted
Good points, all. I've been reworking this all day, and hope there are some improvements. But I have two questions,
1. Would it be best to start with all the little things that made her different?
2. Is it okay to begin with this (the prologue) display of the event that shows her that she is vastly different from every one else, ie. finally recognizing not everyone goes through what she does?
I am so grateful for the help I have been given so far. I hope to resumbit the worked 13 lines soon, but I'm wondering if I can post them on this thread, or if I should start another? Thanks again for all the feedback.
posted
Only you can determine the right place to start your story. We, of course, do not hold the information to make that call.
But I would say, give us a chance to meet your character FIRST. We need to learn something about her and learn to like her. In short, we need to CARE what happens to her. Then you can introduce all the events that make her life go haywire, and because we CARE we will have the patience to muddle through the stuff that is confusing.
posted
Here it is. So far I've got about 1500 words. I'm still not sure what to classify it as, though. Fantasy or Sci-Fi.
My husband suggested telling this as a prologue, from the boyfriend's point of view. Of course, it may be confused with a simple romance. Let me know what ya'll think.
Jacob Wicker was the happiest he had ever been as he walked hand in hand with Mira through the park. The trees were strung with elaborat, multicolored Christmas lights. Mira laid her head on Jacob’s shoulder as they meandered slowly from one nativity scene to another. Neither of them wore coats, though it was December and snowing steadily. “Mmm. I’m never cold when you’re around, Mira.” Jacob kissed her forehead as he said this and felt a little shock in his elbow, as if he’d just touched a light switch after dragging his feet on a thick carpet. They stopped walking and hugged, Mira cuddling into Jacob’s warm neck. Mira wasn’t cold either. Not like the other people milling about, he noticed. They were all bundled against the slow wind and drifting snow. People with rosy cheeks and reddened noses continually passed by wrapped warmly in coates,scarves and hats, their hands covered with mittens or hidden safely in pockets. Jacob squeezed Mira contentedly. Taking a step back, he noticed sweat on her brow.
posted
I'm going to suggest something pretty...questionable. Start with the scene you have at the beginning of this scene, only make it an obvious dream sequence. Then, have her wake up in the hospital, and let the scientists and doctors dissect her current catatonia, touching on the events that put her there and what they've discovered since. You can even have someone mention that her current condition appears to be a defense mechanism to avoid dangerous levels of emotion, if you like.
It needs to be well written to work, but that's always true. Just looking at what you've put here, I think that may be an option you should explore.
posted
I sort of tried that before (see post titled "Diary of a Super Hero) and it was seen as an info dump.
Maybe I'm just not sure what you mean by "start with the scene a the beginning of this scene". I get the dream sequence thing, but as i've noticed on other threads, this early might be TOO early for a 'flashback'. Am I mistaken or do I just not know what you mean?
posted
Sorry, I meant to type "at the beginning of this thread".
The problem with the other opening is that we don't know why she's catatonic, in fact, we don't know that she's catatonic, so it just seems like you're info-dumping (and you are, after all).
The problem with this opening (meaning the first one you posted in this thread) is that nobody can make sense of what's going on.
So if you make this opening into a dream sequence, then present the other opening after that with the understanding that the dream is a memory, we understand what's up with Mira.
I'm not saying that this is the only or even a good way to do this, it's just something that came to mind as a way to integrate your opening in a way that makes sense, even if it terribly violates ever so many rules of openings. Don't start with the POV character waking up, don't start with a dream sequence, don't have a bunch of doctors telling each other things for the benefit of the audience, and so on and so forth.
I happen to think, in this particular case, that throwing all those rules might be a great idea (you can, no, should even make the room white ).
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