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Cristobal holstered his handcomp, stepped out of his office for the last time, and moved down the corridor to Lecture Hall C. There was considerable bustle as cadets moved back and forth in the hallway. The faculty wore regulation summer whites, the cadets in blue. Here and there a civilian professor walked the halls in civvies. It was the last week of classes, summer was almost here – as close to summer as it ever got in Ecuador. Hot at noon, frigid at noon was normal here on the altiplano. The academy shared Alliance Naval Headquarters with the western hemisphere Orbital Beanstalk, which dominated the landscape; its slender tower rising ever upward until it vanished into the distance. The Beanstalks were immensely cheap transit to orbit. All solar energy, no chemical fuel need be expended, no wear and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 17, 2006).]
posted
It sounds like an interesting world. Personally, I would like to see a bit more of the main character, or perhaps hints at the plot. Also I am a little confused about the hot at noon, frigid at noon idea with regards to the weather. Is this for a novel or a short story?
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I like the description of the setting. Though I'd much rather hear about Cristobal and why he's there, where he's going, what's he doing and what's he thinking.
I think you did a good job describing the world/setting. But maybe space out that information as it becomes relevant; save it for later on, past the first thirteen, perhaps. You could describe it as he's watching it pass by through the window or when he actually gets out into it.
The impression I got was that he's inside a facility and it almost seemed that it was enclosed. I could be wrong, but what would the scenery have anything to do with the story outside the compound. Of course, if it's outside buildings and he's crossing over to another building, that's a different matter.
Just don't overload the beginning with information. Space it out and see how it looks.
Also, I'm not sure I understand "Hot at noon, frigid at noon " It doesn't fit. The image or impression is contradictory.
Otherwise, I liked it.
[This message has been edited by Constipatron (edited March 17, 2006).]
posted
There's what appears to be a POV shift when we start hearing about how the Academy shares its space. Even assuming the second half is merely Cristobal ruminating on the Beanstalks (whatever those are), it's difficult to understand why observing the personnel moving through the halls of a military academy would bring that to mind. Such a sudden transition is confusing.
I'd move that part later in the story, and get on with why it's Cristobal's last day and why he's headed toward Lecture Hall C.
Picky Little Nit: Some grammarians may differ, but to me, saying Cristobal "moved down the corridor TO Lecture Hall C" implies he's completed the journey, so the description of the bustle in the hall feels out of place. I'd suggest replacing "to" with "toward".
posted
New 13 lines, perhaps it addresses some of the problems: Commander Malcolm Javier Cristobal might have been mistaken for one of the statues in the Academy main quadrangle. He was as still as stone, locked in contemplation. Before him was the best view in the world of man’s greatest construction achievement – the Western Hemisphere Orbital Beanstalk. Two kilometers away it dominated the landscape. It towered upward into invisibility, even though the skies over the Ecuadoran equatorial altiplano were clear; one tower with many elevators reaching more than 1800 kilometers, the beanstalk passedthrough the atmosphere to the orbital platform itself. Passengers and cargo moved up and down the many elevator tracks powered by solar panels at the orbital platform. No fuel expended, no escape velocity to achieve, no wear and tear on orbital shuttles or magnetic slingshots.
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I kind of think the reader is a participant as well, and often the POV is the reader - if that makes sense.
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The rewrite is better but the POV does seem to be murky. Especially at the end with the description of the beanstalk.
quote:No fuel expended, no escape velocity to achieve, no wear and tear on orbital shuttles or magnetic slingshots.
It would seem to be Cristobal's POV if it was rewritten as: "He marvelled at it and reminded himself how it solved all the earlier problems with space travel. No fuel expended..."
That kind of sucks too, but otherwise I am hooked on the story. I have read a few non-fiction books on future space travel and it really is a gold mine for SF ideas.
That kind of sucks too, but otherwise I am hooked on the story. I have read a few non-fiction books on future space travel and it really is a gold mine for SF ideas."
I decided no anti-grav, no magic weapons, no transporter rooms. If anyone is interested in the entire first chapter, I'd be happy to e-mail it.
Here's the first 13 lines of the second chapter
The mandibular implant telephone in his left ear was an old friend. The hijabbed imam across the desk from him was totally unaware that the Deputy Hegemony Foreign Minister Claudius Van der Meer was in constant contact not only with his female superior in the Foreign Ministry, but also the Hegemony Intelligence Bureau Chief as well. Thus the imam was patently unaware that he was doing business with a despised female and a foreign spy at the same time.
“I can assure you, imam, that the ships are ready for transit as we speak and we have trained your crews to be efficient crews for them. We would have been happy to transfer our own crews to your flag as well, but we understand that you have objections to their status as “unbelievers” in your faith.” Van der Meer was graciousness personified.
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