posted
My first fragment! Yeah! Around 4300 words, fantasy (well, takes place in past in a made up world but in this story, no magic or dwarves or anything) The story is complete so if anyone finds it interesting enough to read the rest and critique, that would be great. Most of my short stories take place in this same world with same characters so if I ever finish another story and post it'll probably be related.
Kieran Ragaer stood silently as his attendants adjusted his hair yet again. He snapped at them as they moved to adjust the robes. His silk and velvet robes were already perfectly in place. They moved away. Kieran looked in the mirror. The mourning white was trimmed by the deep green and gold of the royal family and it seemed as though under their weight he shrunk to nothing. His dark hair, his dark eyes, his slight build, they all contrasted with his father’s perfect golden looks and in these robes, he felt an imposter. He had worn the colors for his whole life and never had they felt so imposing. But then, he had been a prince. Now, he would be a king.
posted
I found it ok, but the extent of the robes was a little irritating as the robes were going to end up being as good as they could have been without any person, whether they may be a soldier or maid, fussing over them. That part could be a little less done, or totally left out.
Is there a reason why he was wearing white and not black? If so, maybe a little hint as to why that is can be placed in there somewhere.
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mommiller- I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback! Also, I have no time limitations so whenever you get to it is fine. White is the color of mourning throughout most of Asia, so I didn't think it would be a big deal to use that. I'll have to think about that for a bit.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Stood silently? Perhaps stood still and silent, or something. Stood silently just seems awkward to me. As has been stated, the second sentece needs work, or it needs to be deleted. Aside from those minor things, I like the fragment.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I think this is a good opening (and yes, I think white is just fine for a mourning colour--I think it is common enough knowledge that white is a funeral color and red a wedding color in Asia that readers aren't going to be distracted when they see a similar idea in a story). All of the sentences work well for me except for the sixth one--I think the word order slows down the pace too much, but it could be fixed if you tweak it a bit. I think that it would seem smoother if you put the main idea of the sentence before the nonessential description. What about "The mourning white was trimmed by the deep green and gold of the royal family; it seemed as though he shrunk to nothing under their weight" or "...the weight of the robes", etc.
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I agree that this is a nice start. I have a feeling that this is a somewhat bookish character, not in the passionate or literary style either, but more like an accountant.
I like the way that this scene works with the title to introduce one main character tension while another story tension waits it's turn in the wings. I'd certainly be willing to read more.
quote:They moved away. Kieran looked in the mirror.
These sentences seem clipped, which can work if the pacing of the story requires it. suggestion: Kieran looked in the mirror, as the attendants moved away.
quote:it seemed as though under their weight he shrunk to nothing.
I am probably wrong on this one but... To whom did it seem as though he shrunk to nothing?
quote:colors for his whole life and never had they felt so imposing. But then, he had been a prince. Now, he would be a king.
This doesn't read right. Never had they felt so imposing, which means that right now they feel the very most imposing. "But then he had been a prince", doesn't jive with the previous sentence. Maybe if he said they had felt so imposing his whole life.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Nits are okay, good even. But you should clearly list them as nits rather than presenting them as some kind of serious problem that needs to be fixed. I've noticed a lot of people aren't doing that, and it distorts the feedback quality severely.
As for questions, you should only ask them if you're willing to have me answer them
It's from his own POV, as he looks in the mirror. The establishment isn't perfect from the first line, but it is without major flaws.
It seems to him that he's shrinking to nothing under the weight of the (and here we have a really good example of effective multiple reference, try inserting any of the nouns from the entire sentance and you still get a sensible and powerful image).
When he was a child, they were just his family colors. As he's grown older he's become more aware of how important those colors are. But now, wearing those colors as king, he feels the impression, even the intrusion, more fully than he has ever felt it before.
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Survivor- I have always thought you give very insightful comments. You mentioned that from the first thirteen, you would be willing to read more. Would you be willing to critique the rest? If you are too busy, I understand. If you have any stories you would like me to critique, I would be willing. Either way, thank you for your thoughts on my fragment. Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I'm not repulsed, but I'm not quite hooked yet. I *think* what you're going for is that Kieran isn't sure he's up to being king. But I'm not sure. I would like to know a little more of his thoughts and feelings.
Possibly you might show us Kieran snapping at an attendant (pick one), if you decide to keep that.
One thing that's interesting, if you make sure we know you know it, is if Kieran is so royal in his mind that he can think about his future, look over his robes, etc., as though the others in the room weren't even there. He's doing it, but I want to be sure that's not author overlooking interactions, but actually his own self-assured attitude.
The fact that you've got me thinking this way rather than saying "Whoa! I'm confused!" or "Pick a POV!" means to me that you're doing a good job.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited April 03, 2006).]
posted
____________ He snapped at them as they moved to adjust the robes. His silk and velvet robes were already perfectly in place. ____________________
Combine the two sentences.
HE snapped at them as they moved to adjust his silk and velvet robes which were already perfectly in place.
Then combine 'They moved away.' With 'Keiran looked in the mirror.'
Or maybe say 'He moved away from them to look at himself in the mirror.
I'll go ahead and add my nit to the chorus, it wouldn't hurt to mention that Kieran is watching himself (or those fussy attendants) in a mirror in the first line. That might avoid the impression of him turning his head to snap at them, which is probably not intended. Unfortunately, it also slows down your first line, which some people will hate. I'm not too fond of overlong first lines myself, to be truthful. So I'll amend my statement to say it probably wouldn't hurt more than it helps
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wbriggs- I guess I am a little unsure what your comment is. When I wrote from Kieran's perspective, I was trying to view the servants the same as he would- kinda like walking talking furniture. Thanks again for everyone's comments and suggestions. Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
By the way, you should pay special attention to the impression I got of Kieran from your opening, because I was completely misled. I know I mentioned this as a minor point in my comments on the story, but for purposes of Frag and Feed you need to realize it's a major point.
If everyone here wrote down their ideas about the character you're developing in this opening, I doubt any of them will come anywhere near the character from the story. wbriggs specific objections fall before the "he's been raised to be a king" card, but the character portrayal in this opening does need to be overhauled.
Don't give anything else away till you've reworked the opening. See if you can create a more accurate impression of Kieran's character just with 13 lines. Those who haven't read the story yet are your...um, well, test subjects
posted
Well, the main thing was that I wanted to know what MC *is* caring about. But about his dismissive attitude: I think it's an interesting trait, but I didn't get that this was what was happening.
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posted
Unfortunately, I am ridiculously slow so it might be a while. I need to win the lotto so I can have more free time.
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posted
Tsk tsk tsk. That won't give you more free time. Only more leisure. But no pressure, it's actually better to let everyone come to your next opening fresh.
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Kieran Ragaer stood silently, staring into the mirror. His dark hair, his dark eyes, his slight build, they all contrasted with his father’s perfect golden looks and in his father’s robes, he felt an imposter. He snapped at an attendant trying to adjust the robes. A servant had no right to imply he didn’t look proper. After today, he would be their king. He sighed as he thought of all the pretty barmaids that he would never have a chance to bed. A king could hardly go out carousing. His father had never approved of him spending any time at pubs, and that was when he was just a prince. Of course, his father had approved of very little he did. From the time he could talk, he and his father had fought over everything. He didn’t understand why tears were coming to his eyes.
Ok- let's see if this is any better. On top of the normal first 13 questions, what impression do you have of Kieran from this? The story has grown about a page, so 4850 words now. So, if anyone willing to crit it, that'd be great. And if anyone who crited it before is willing to read again, I'd be interested in knowing about my changes to Kaie's part- better or worse. Thanks!
posted
I liked Kieran better in the first one--as in he was a more likeable character. I'm a little conflicted as to his personality--is he arrogant with a touch of insecurity, or is he humble trying to act tough?
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
As openings go, it's trite to have the character look into a mirror merely to cough up a physical description. I suggest ditching the entire mirror thing. My first reaction is "Gechhh." You'd be much better to convey his physical appearance via dialog with the servants and his internal thoughts.... Perhaps the servants primp him and coo over him, and he thinks "if only you knew..."
My impression is your first draft is better. I WOULD like you to SHOW us the dialog of him snapping at the servants, not merely tell us that he did it. I think it would convey his emotions more accurately.
posted
Well, since he does have a character reason to think about his appearance, I don't have a problem with the idea. But the prose is a little awkward out of the gate. Your first line is kinda a mess right now. I liked the other first line. It would also serve as an excellent segue into his insecurity about his appearance.
Kieran Ragaer stood silently [watching] his attendants [in the mirror as they] adjusted his hair yet again. He snapped at them [when] they moved to adjust the robes. [The problem wasn't] his silk and velvet robes[,] already perfectly in place.
Then you can move into the comparison contrast of his own image against the measure of his father, touching on the similarities (the robes, which are perfect) to highlight the differences (the man wearing those robes, who is not perfect).
Don't worry too much about loading information into your actual first thirteen. You only have time to give us impressions of the character, there isn't space for establishing solid details without sacrificing necessary situational awareness. Instead of a longer digression about pretty barmaids and so forth, just throw describe him in a way that hints at it.
"At least he wasn't hung over today." Tells us both that he is close to looking hung over and that he usually would be in the morning. Or rather, it only hints at both.
As for the snapping...I sort of got the impression that he doesn't say anthing worth two paragraph breaks and a line. I didn't even get the impression of him saying an actual, easily translatable word. In my mind, he just sort of goes...well, I'll say "nyet", but that's not really it.
If you're ready for another crit, I'll give it a try.
posted
Kieran Ragaer stood silently as his attendants adjusted his hair yet again. He snapped at them when they moved to adjust the robes. The silk and velvet robes were not a problem. They were perfectly in place. His dark hair, his dark eyes, his slight build, they all contrasted with his father’s perfect golden looks and in his father’s robes, he looked an imposter. Well, at least he wasn’t hung over today. Part of him kept expecting his father to show up and remind him of the millions of things he was doing wrong. He knew his father was dead but the expectation was still there. Kieran refused to shame himself by crying. The great Aidan Ragaer, king of all Ciel, was dead and that was that. Time to be strong.
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