posted
Please edit this serial story in detail: identify problems, give specific suggestions for solving the problems, and include examples.
Fiction. POV is third omniscient.
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SPREE
Spree, a quiet and slightly overweight teenager, dreaded going to gym class. As she stood in the front doorway of their two bedroom apartment on her way to school, she turned around to her mother and asked, “Do I have to go? Can’t you just write a note or something?” “No Spree,” her mother replied, “you can’t just run away from your problems, you must face them.” “ But, the other girls are mean to me,” she whined, “they will never like me. Why must I face that?” “It will be okay, Spree,” her mother tried to convince her, “you must have faith. “I’ve spoken with Mrs. Lopez, she will handle the girls. You just go to class and try to have a
[This message has been edited by robinlindh (edited April 21, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 21, 2006).]
posted
The dialogue felt forced to me. People talk in contractions--especially teenagers, who tend to get more lazy in their words the whinier they get. The story really didn't hook me yet either--I think because it's a bit vague. Give me a specific reason she hates gym class--who is teasing her, what do they say? What is the age-group, genre here?
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
What Woodie said. I'll add that real conversations, even arguments, rarely go point by point as in debates. They have evasions, irrelevancies, cheap shots, placating . . . Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Please edit this serial story in detail: identify problems, give specific suggestions for solving the problems, and include examples.
Gee, I didn't know we were being ORDERED back into English class. Honestly, I respond MUCH better if I'm being asked and not ordered.
I suggest softening the tone, to "appreciate detailed suggestions", and "welcome" the identification of any problems. Thank the reader in advance for their help, and mention you would appreciate specific examples.
And don't forget to always give us genre and word count. You should make a specific request telling us if you want readers for the entire thing, or help on the fragment only.
Oh... you wanted feedback on the story?
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited April 23, 2006).]
posted
This first portion you have is missing that sense of immediacy that usually grabs readers. I think instead of the telling and the forced dialogue, you should try starting with a description of the main character as she walks into the actual gym class and notices the other girls and the instructors and the building itself and how intimidatingly large it is. Or just start with the conversation with the mom. You don't have to spell out the conflict in the first sentence.
"she stood in the front doorway of their two bedroom apartment on her way to school"
How does one "stand" while at the same time being on one's way to school? sloppy phrasing brings up unclear images.
"Why must I face that?" Never heard a teenage girl talk like that.
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