posted
First off I'd like to thank evryone whose input has changed this piece of my work, and before I continue this scene is a quasi-religous service, not an actual Liturgy(I'm Greek Orthodox and if anyone wants to know Liturgy is our "Mass") anyways this is a coming of age ritual not a "Church service" well without further ado...Oh and sorry this is slightly over 13 lines Prologue “Oh lord, keep us strong, that our feet may carry us into battle…” Thedaran sang alongside his good friend Darcus. Thedaran heard a whisper coming from one of the elders, “Their voices sound like the Valkyries themselves”. Upon hearing this his cheeks turned a light scarlet color. “Guide our souls that we may live a life of light, never treading in darkness.” Darcus sang. Thedaran looked at the great council knowing that today he would become a Knight of Aurien, sworn to defend his land against darkness. They sang with heads raised high proclaiming to Higwe, the Lord of all, “May your light shine in our hearts and flash on our blades as we destroy our enemies.” Both men wore a black robe and a red sash, the gentle
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 06, 2006).]
posted
“Their voices sound like the Valkyries themselves”.
[So far as I know, all Valkyries are female.]
Both men wore a black robe and a red sash, the gentle folds of their robes covered their faces. The floor was made of marble laid by the Ancients themselves.
[Their faces are covered, but they seem to be able to see the floor and a lot of other things going on around them.]
Their voices weaving together filled the people of Jorheim with pride, for no two have ever joined the ranks of the Knights at such an early age.
posted
Sorry, that is an old copy of this scene, Valkyries should be Seraphs, sorry, and Have should it be has, or what other recomendations do you have?
Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
It's not bad, but I can see a lot of information that you probably want to save until the reader is thoroughly sucked into the plot and character of the piece.
'Thedaran sang alongside his good friend Darcus.' - This feels a little clumsy for the first line of the story. You should be able to show their friendship through their singing rather than bland exposition. (Also, is there a need for an ellipsis at the end of the singing? I may be a grammar obsessive, but that immediately put me off reading further )
'Upon hearing this his cheeks turned a light scarlet color.' - You mean 'Thedaran blushed', but using five times the words. Unless this was a specific stylistic thing you were going for, I would say cut it down/out.
'never treading in darkness.” Darcus sang' - comma after 'darkness', rather than a period.
'Both men wore a black robe and a red sash, the gentle folds of their robes covered their faces.' - As a semi-pro male-voice singer myself, I can tell you that if I was singing with my head held high and a robe covering my face I certain wouldn't be sounding like no seraph, if you excuse the momentary lapse into bad grammar. Each time I took breath, the fabric would block my airflow, and any sound I did make would be muffled by the material.
'The floor was made of marble laid by the Ancients themselves.' - Again, this seems irrelevant in its current position, and only succeeds in bringing me out of the action.
All the above is intended as constructive criticism. If I hadn't liked the concept, I wouldn't have commented
Hope it helps.
Teph
The floor was made of marble laid by the Ancients themselves.
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