posted
I'm just looking for a crit at the moment. I have the first 13 ready, but I'm still editing the majority of this story. See what you think:
The lock clicked with the turn of the key. An agonizing moment passed. Nothing happened. Jeram opened the side door a crack. A muted roar of casual conversation flowed over the stage from the great hall ablaze with lantern light, which left most of the stage in darkness. Wooden crates stood stacked on either side of the door along with some benches and tables. The large tribal drum rested in the shadows and gave him an excellent hiding place to view the stage but not the hall.
He knew the dangers but didn’t care. Not this time. Toka faced exile if the tribal council voted against him and all because his heart belonged to an Earth woman. Jeram couldn’t imagine life without Toka’s friendship and prayed the Spirits would be kind this night.
Please scroll down to post #13 for the latest rewrite.
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited April 24, 2009).]
1. Do locks click? Why is the door locked if the hall is open? 2. I had some difficulty figuring out who was who. I guess Jeram is a member of the tribe and Toka is the alien. Then why would the village be voting against him and not Toka? 3. If the hall was full and it's a tribal council vote, then the council must be on stage. Why couldn't he just sit in the great hall if it's full of people?
You could eliminate the sentence describing the wooden crates as they don't matter to the setting at all.
The opening is not as engaging as it might be with the clutter. IMO it needs to be tightened up and rearranged. Perhaps the last paragraph should be the lead, for example.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited April 19, 2009).]
It seems a good place to start. Jeram would have clear wants at this moment and the tension is high.
Saying nothing happened doesn't work for me, as I have no idea what might have happened. I need to know _what_ didn't happen, or better, know the risks just before hand.
The word "casual" lessens the impact. This sentence has a lot of different topics too and would be smoother split into two. I too felt that the crates and tables, unless emotionally striking to Jeram, could be cut.
The drum, however is great. Maybe you could let us knows how he feels about not being able to see the hall?
The phrase "and all because his heart belonged to an Earth woman," was too much info dump for me in that sentence. I think it's clearer without it. Otherwise it overshadows the freindship which is why Jeram is there. As it is obviously info that will come up a lot, could you introduce it slightly later?
A couple of nits: unless "but not the hall" is important, I'd cut it. Perhaps move it to a place where that detail comes into play, b/c here it seems extraneous and clutters things. And I agree with Dame about the "Nothing happened" bit. If nothing happens why mention it? It also causes the first two sentences to create a false tension. Maybe the click is so loud, at least to Jeram, that he fears he'll get caught? And, yes, Owasm, when you turn a key in a lock, especially an old one, there usually is a sound.
posted
Isn't it amazing how little the author can see as compared to the reader? You folks are great.
I've followed your advice, and here's the rewrite:
The lock clicked with the turn of the key. An agonizing moment passed. Jeram breathed easier once neither sentry appeared. He opened the side door a crack. A muted roar of conversation flowed over the stage from the great hall ablaze with lantern light, which left most of the stage in darkness. The large tribal drum rested in the shadows and gave him an excellent hiding place to view the stage. He tried to view the council in the great hall but couldn’t risk the exposure.
He knew the dangers but didn’t care. Not this time. Toka faced exile if the council voted against him, and Jeram couldn’t imagine life without Toka’s friendship. He prayed the Spirits would be kind this night.
Shadows created constant movement across the front of the
It's a lot smoother but that long sentence about the hall and the lights still rankles. Grammatically, I think you have written that the conversation leaves most of the stage in darkness...
I think you should split the sentence to separate light and sound. Could you show that the side door leads onto the stage? Does it? It's still slighlty unclear as it is.
The construction "once neither" is a bit odd as they both are numbers but with very different meanings. If there was just one sentry, it would be easier to write!
The tribal vote section is great now. Clear emotionally and informationally...
posted
Okay, one last time. I hope . And I will have to admit that it does read better with each edit in this thread .
The lock clicked with the turn of the key. An agonizing moment passed. Jeram breathed easier when neither sentry appeared. He opened the door a crack to glimpse the stage on the other side, and a muted roar of male voices greeted him. Lantern light flowed from the great hall to the stage, though most of it lay in darkness. The large tribal drum rested in the shadows and gave him an excellent hiding place to view the stage but not the tribal council members in the great hall.
He knew the dangers of spying on a council meeting, but didn’t care. Hang the risks. Toka faced exile if the council voted against him, and Jeram couldn’t imagine life without Toka’s friendship. He prayed the Spirits would be kind this night.
What about "The lock clicked as Jarem turned the key" to change the sentence from passive to active?
It's a good hook and I've got a good sense of place and character. The only thing that puzzled me a bit was: "He opened the door a crack..." and then later "the drum... gave him an excellent hiding place". At the end of this intro, I'm not quite sure where Jeram is. Is he peeking through the door or is he hiding behind a drum?
posted
Great suggestions, but I like to stay away from using "as". I read somewhere that it was something to stay away from and not get into the habit of using. I still get your drift and will see what I can do with it.
Funny that you should mention about Jeram's location when he sneaks inside. I thought the same thing about two seconds after I made that post, and you're right. It is hard to follow. I'll see what I can do to correct that.
I worry about the agonizing moment. It is almost the same problem as before, that we don't know for whom it's agonizing. Could you start with Jeram, somehow? Have him horrified as the lock clicks, maybe?
"on the other side" could be cut, I think.
"Lantern light flowed from the great hall to the stage, though most of it lay in darkness." This still reads a bit odd. Now it says that most of the lantern light lay in darkness. Could I suggest: "Lantern light flowed from the great hall (below?), though most of the stage lay in darkness."
I agree that we need the moment Jeram crosses to behind the drum. It can add a moment of tension of its own too.
The fact that he can't see the council members doesn't seem to matter. Would an "unfortunately" in there tell us more about how he feels?
I don't think "hang the risks," is needed. It is repeating info.
Good luck with tweaking this. Let me know when you need readers.
posted
It's getting much cleaner. I'm still having a problem with the visualization but that might be because I spend too much time back stage at the theatre.
This - to view the stage but not the tribal council members in the great hall - keeps rubbing me the wrong way. It seems strangte to have a council meeting in the audience of the theatre. Why wouldn't the council members be on the stage with the members of the community in the audience to comment or address it? AND if it's a secret or closed meeting, why would it be in a theatre at all? It's probably just a personal NIT but, it's there and bothering me.
Without rehashing that point, my take:
quote:
The lock clicked with the turn of the key Really? It's either very quiet out on the street(?)for him to hear it or this is a bit cliched and melodramatic to me . An agonizing moment passed. Jeram breathed easier when neither sentry appeared. Why not just - "After ten seconds with no sentries, Jerome let out a breath" or something like it? You can combine the two thoughts for something less sterotypical and more descriptive He opened the door a crack to glimpse the stage on the other side Okay, this is a theatre person NIT - generally an outside door wouldn't lead onto the stage because we don't want the light leaking into the stage area. So, I'm having trouble visulizing where he is , and a muted roar of male voices nice greeted him. Lantern light flowed from the great hall to the stage, though most of it lay in darkness. The large tribal drum rested in the shadows which shadows? - of the stage, wings or great hall? and gave him an excellent hiding place to view the stage Hu? Isn't he looking at the stage already? but not the tribal council members in the great hall.
He knew the dangers of spying on a council meeting, but didn’t care. Hang the risks. Toka faced exile if the council voted against him, and Jeram couldn’t imagine life without Toka’s friendship. He [b] this is Toka - you need to say "Jeram" /b]prayed the Spirits would be kind this night.
I'd almost start with the second pargraph because it makes Jeram's motivations clear.
posted
I'm almost wondering if I should start the story a bit earlier? I did this originally and then thought it'd be better to get straight to the heart of the conflict. In my first draft, I have Jeram sneaking out of the house where he lives with his family and then describing him sneaking into the Pavilion where the meeting takes place. I skipped all that to tighten the story, but it does describe the Pavilion and its location. Maybe if I start with him sneaking up the hill through the woods to the Pavilion and then entering via the stage? Yes, that might be better.
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quote:I'm almost wondering if I should start the story a bit earlier? I did this originally and then thought it'd be better to get straight to the heart of the conflict. In my first draft, I have Jeram sneaking out of the house where he lives with his family and then describing him sneaking into the Pavilion where the meeting takes place. I skipped all that to tighten the story, but it does describe the Pavilion and its location. Maybe if I start with him sneaking up the hill through the woods to the Pavilion and then entering via the stage? Yes, that might be better.
If you have to do that, I'd keep it very brief. However, I like Kings_Falcon's suggestion because it places us in the conflict straight away. Figure out some other way of having Jeram remain unseen and consider whether it really has to be within a theatre. What's interesting is the vote; where that vote is held is secondary. Can't he just stay hidden at the back of a crowd? If everyone's attention is focused on the vote, it should be easy to hide.
posted
Okay, one more time. I like the suggestions and decided that "stage" doesn't cut it since it's not taking place in a theatre. Far from it actually. I'm hoping this is the last rewrite I'll be posting on this until I'm ready for readers. See what you think:
Jeram knew the dangers of spying on a tribal council meeting, but didn’t care. Toka faced exile if the vote turned against him in a decision that would affect the entire village.
Jeram inched his way along the outside wall of the Pavilion to a side door and inserted the key. The quiet of the night enshrouded forest magnified the resulting click. An agonizing moment passed, but no sentry appeared. He opened the door a crack. A muted roar of male voices greeted him. Lantern light flowed from the great hall to highlight the center of a large raised dais on the other side of the door. He crept behind the tribal drum’s bulk in the shadows near one back corner and watched the council members socialize in great hall.
Chief Tokar finished his discussion with one of the elders
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited April 24, 2009).]
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. And I will have to admit that it does read better with each edit in this thread 
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