posted
Sort of stream of consciousness. I'd say it was an experiment, except it was unintentional; this is just how it came to me. I'd love opinions and critiques. First 13:
It’s raining out when I go inside, my hair, my eyes wet. I want to fall on the couch and bury my head in the pillow, just hearing the pulsing rain, the rain beating like a heart that still has a beat, but I can’t. I’m restless and dead at the same time. Pacing the kitchen, I know the one thing I can’t do is think. I can’t think. I can’t think…
A knock startles me. I find myself with my elbows on the shelf, my head in my hands. I can’t stop crying. My hair is cold on my head and shoulders. Someone is still knocking. I need to answer—they’re standing out in the rain. Pushing my hair back out of my eyes I walk down the hall toward the door, shaking his dead lips from my brain as I open the door.
The delivery man has a package. I sigh, while he watches me uncomfortably.
[This message has been edited by RDuffy (edited May 08, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by RDuffy (edited May 08, 2009).]
posted
The prose itself is quite engaging...why is she crying? I pretty much need to start knowing that soon or it will smack of withholding.
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Pretty high risk going for 1st person and present tense, it'd be interesting to see if you could pull it off. As Skadder said, I'd want to know why she's crying very quickly to avoid withholding. The sensory detail about the hair on the neck and shoulders is nice, but I'd like to see some urgency in the remaining 5 missing lines...
posted
I've edited it, making a revision or two and adding the next five lines. I think the actual revisions i made take place in the five lines i didn't put originally...to tell why she's upset sooner, like you suggested.
Nick--I know what you mean with first person and present tense. I was actually sitting in class and this came to me just like this. It didn't come out how it was supposed to, exactly, and it needs some work to increase the urgency, it should be intense and suspenseful. It's sort of a psychological exploration, the way it came out, with some moral questions that come up...Anyway there it is so far, if anyone is interested in reading the rest let me know.
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