posted
I am testing this opening for a new story. Your thoughts, please.
He found himself at Waterslough Bridge peering down at the river's surface, one hundred feet below. Desperate thoughts ran through his head, but one couldn’t sink in the River Waddle because the slowly flowing sludge cushioned a fall as effectively as a massive pile of downy goosefeathers.
No, get a grip, he thought as he felt someone push him over the railing anyway. He flailed his arms and closed his eyes in anticipation of the gooey impact. To his surprise, he gently settled into the front seat of an expensive air car… the kind piloted by a licensed wizard.
“Don’t look around,” said a young female voice. “I have a job for you, Beecham Bobbitt. A job that will change your life, if you live through it.
(the nit has been exterminated... now two nits have been exterminated... more nits. I just can't handle all of Arriki's nits(!) and remain true to myself.)
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 02, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 07, 2009).]
posted
Not bad. It put me into your genre quickly and easily. One nit I have in a quick read is the height of the bridge. I was thinking it a mere few feet at first, then had to rethink the height whne he landed in the car. Small nit, I know.
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posted
Minor nit: you peer at something rather than to something.
You might reconsider the passive phrasings like 'He found himself' and 'he felt himself'.
'A job that will change your life, if you live through it.' The alternative is quite a change of life, too.
Since you're revealing the MC's name in paragraph 2, consider giving the name in the opening sentence instead of 'he'. (I realize there's a stylist theme going here.)
posted
Actually the poor guy was pushed... that's why the aircar was waiting under the bridge. The tyranny of the first 13 forced me to strike out the sentence that said that. It's revealed shortly following the opening.
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posted
First; the title reminded me of the movie about Benjamin Button. I believe the movie's title was something like "The Incredible Life of Benjamin Button". Your title has the same ring to it, though I don't know if you did this deliberately or not.
Would it be possible for you to leave out "barely flowing" and still get your point across about the sludge? For some reason, this bothered me.
It must've been the wording, but for some odd reason I thought Bobbit had passed into another demension when he landed in the air car. Maybe because a wizard was driving it? No biggie, but that is the way my mind "saw" the scene.
Could you add something so that we know that Bobbit was pushed off the bridge? If "...he felt himself go over the railing...", wouldn't he also of felt the push from whoever did it?
Don't get me wrong. I like the story. It has lots of promise. Good luck with it.
posted
This isn't going to be the final title as this might be headed for a national contest that shall remain nameless.
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posted
Perhaps it’s just me but -- I found the “He found himself…” too vague. I keep wanting just a hint, note before it even if only -- That Thursday he found himself….
I don’t think you need the comma between surface and one.
I think what you’re trying to say is you couldn’t sink BECAUSE of the nature of the river – the slow-moving sludge but it didn’t come clear reading the text.
Perhaps -- Desperate thoughts ran through his head, but one couldn’t sink in the River Waddle. The slow-moving sludge beneath the bridge would cushion a fall…
Again – to me – Your No, get a grip, he thought as he felt someone push him over doesn’t work. You mess up the sequence of events here at a crucial moment.
Could you break it up a bit?
No, get a grip he told himself. At that moment as he was about to step back a hand centered on his back and gave a sharp, powerful shove. He flailed his arms as he went over the railing….
Now we get to the part that just does not work. If you get shoved over the side of a bridge and are flailing, how do you right yourself so you land in a seat instead of sprawled all over the seat belly down? Are you saying he tumbled over the railing so he went head down? Or that the shove sent him wheeling so that he fell on his back? Which is not the picture I got from your words.
Yes, she’s a wizard and could right him, but I’d like to see that from his pov especially. He would feel being spun about in midair. Wouldn’t he?
posted
I've been thinking about that last comment about it being a nice opening. I didn't mean to sound snide. I DO think your ideas are really good just that some of the styling of your sentences could be improved so that that the ideas shine better.
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