posted
I wasn't going to post this here but I thought 'what the hay.' This beginning is essential to the story but you can tell little about the actual story from these 13. Is is a slightly sci-fi fictional version of the biblical rebellion against the creator. Non-doctrinal, non-preachy in any way it simply tracks a crossover between the worlds occupied by "the sons of corruption" and those occupied by the gifted and undying "Pure of hearts." A daughter of corruption, Elizabeth has gifts she is not supposed to have. How did she get them? How is she able to traverse the universe in the blink of an eye? How does she have the gifts of the ancient, mysterious and virtually indestructable "Lohem" making her the first ever female Lohem warrior? Who needs this powerful girl who has none of the answers?
In the beginning the Creator thought of love. But love, by its very nature, demanded company.
Before time itself began passage on its infinite journey. Before the galaxies began their endless dance, gliding and spinning through the cold emptiness. Before there existed even a single atom, the Creator brought into being those not of the physical dimension; energy life forms possessing great power and beauty, although not easily seen with the human eye.
Three kinds he made them, Seraphim Keruvim and Malakh. These are the freethinking sons of light and power.
And the love the Creator had wished, found life and thrived and dwelt among them.
And the Creator looked upon his sons and all that he had made
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 23, 2007).]
posted
This is more than 13 lines...It ends at the "And the Creator looked upon his son's..." line. But wait, I haven't been here in a while--did the rule change now that we have a new novel section?--I guess I should read up on all that
As to the content. I'd say it's very difficult to hook a reader with narrative summary--which is basically what's here. Yes, this has been done by others but for your average reader it's hard to care about Beings and and whatnot that they have very little investment in. Make them care by putting them in someone's head. Who's the main character? What will his journey be? The hook. All the rest can come later.
That's my 2 cents anyway...
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited February 22, 2007).]
I just noticed this--I try not to read the author blurb because it tneds to taint the impact of the lines.
quote:This beginning is essential to the story but you can tell little about the actual story from these 13.
Then you definitely want to rethink this. Just tell the story. That's really all the readers want to know--and remember it's what they want to know, not what we want to tell them.
Everytime someone posts 13 lines with another 20 lines of "pretext" to explain the 13 lines, it's a red flag to me that there is a problem. Novels can be slow to develop, but nevertheless a reader will not get the benefit of the author's explanation.
The other big issue here from a grammatical perspective is the sentence fragments and misuse of the semicolon (only to join complete sentences closely related -- the second portion is a phrase)
quote:In the beginning the Creator thought of love.
But love, by its very nature, demanded company.
Before time itself began passage on its infinite journey. [MY MINDS STARTS TO WANDER IN THIS LONGER PARAGRAPH. I'D DO BETTER IF YOU TOOK ALL THESE SENTENCE FRAGMENTS AND REPLACED THEM WITH SIMPLY "Before time began."] Before the galaxies began their endless dance, gliding and spinning through the cold emptiness. Before there existed even a single atom, the Creator brought into being those not of the physical dimension; energy life forms possessing great power and beauty, although not easily seen with the human eye. [BUT THERE WERE NO HUMAN EYES! HOW ABOUT: Before time began, the Creator brought into being energy lifeforms. Three kinds he made them...]
Three kinds he made them, Seraphim Keruvim and Malakh. These are the freethinking sons of light and power. [IN MY VOCABULARY "FREETHINKING" RELATES TO THE FREETHINKER PHILOSOPHY OF THE 1800'S, WHICH THE ANGELS DEFINITELY WOULD NOT GO WITH! HOW ABOUT "sons of light and power, capable of thought" OR SOME SUCH]
I think this sort of intro is out of style, but, style shmyle as long as it's good.
I'm neither hooked nor not hooked. If you want a stronger hook, you might start with Elizabeth herself.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 23, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 23, 2007).]
posted
I suppose this is one of those gray areas of writing. Some stories wouldn’t work as your breakthrough piece because you have no reputation. Some works require that the reader trust that it’s going to be worth it. Like 2001 for example, it has a slow hook but the author is so well trusted nobody cares. I tried the hooked beginning but the piece is based in a reality that is so much larger than the reader would quickly imagine, they just end up confused without this opening that really sets the stage. It’s a great story that I’m very passionate about but it would never fly as a breakthrough story for me. That’s why I never posted it before. Thanks for looking and commenting.
This passage is purposefully written in the same fashion as Genesis without regard for grammar because the story is a, not so far fetched (nowhere near as far fetched as Hubbard) spin on the real biblical message, which is of course, intended to intrigue the educated reader.
posted
Is there any chance there might be a way to change this intro slightly so that a character is reading the words to another character (experienced practitioner to novice or somesuch) instead of it just being a disembodied 'voice'? This just might make it at least a little more engaging a beginning, since it would basically change it from disembodied words to a real-time scene, but you could still basically have the historical text beginning. For for thought, maybe, FWIW....
posted
That is a good suggestion Sharon, thank you. It’s possible for sure I would just have to figure how to stage it (all part of the fun). It’s complicated because what happens literally millions of years in advance impacts the MC directly.
TV guide synopsis: Creator makes life, spirit and flesh each native to different dimensions. Billions of worlds created with help of spirit workers each seeded with one human couple, perfect, everlasting bodies. Some spirits rebel; suck as many perfect human worlds in as possible, one-third in the end. Break from mental perfection corrupts flesh, rebel world men begin to die of old age. Men from non-rebel worlds discover gifts in men, ability to fold space, visit other non-rebel worlds, other powerful gifts. Creator takes legal instead of power approach, lets rebellion prove itself wrong (final solution). Spirits make bodies take women, babies, Nephilim, never supposed to exist, giants that treat man cruelly, murderous. Creator raises up Lohem warriors from the pure worlds to come and kill Nephilim. Lohem men with extra special gifts and powers, trusted princes. Skip to modern day. Elizabeth 26 lives in UK, (Erets (earth) rebel world) awkward, disconnected, beautiful. Discovers gifts, 1st ever to travel from rebel world to non rebel worlds, befriends 5000 year-old Meegan ordinary but wise girl. Secretive ancient Lohem watch, wait, something is wrong, more to Elizabeth than meets the eye, a plot must be uncovered, a plan thwarted, Elizabeth must search her heart and make choices. Both sides want the powerful “princess of Erets” to do the right thing (for them). Story gets cookin.
See what I mean, how do you unravel this without frustrating the reader. Don’t say it… Skill? I know I know.
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited March 05, 2007).]
posted
Let me do this. Forget that first paragraph that I put as the first 13. I’ll see if there’s another way with that. Here are the first 13 of chapter one, lets shred that…
The Hunt
Earth, 3024 B.C.E.
In the middle of the road, only a short walk from the town gate, the two men slid from the invisibility of Ish-Ruach into the very visible Ish form and stood for a moment as unremarkable and ordinary men of flesh and blood. Eliud, absorbing his physical environment, looked behind at the wheel-worn dirt road that drew a line hurriedly and steeply down from the surrounding mountains, past sloping woods and green pastures as if anxious to meet up with the narrow river that swirled its twisting way through the well farmed valley. He could hear the river next to the road fuss and gurgle through rounded boulders as it pushed on into the small town. He glanced over at Alphaeus who was frowning and sniffing the air. “Erets is cold and wet this far north,” he grumbled in the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 05, 2007).]
posted
Okay, here's what I got on a first read: these two have godlike powers, including the ability to alter and shed their bodies. They absorb matter from their surroundings to do this. They've just traveled far to the north on a planet called "Erets," which--judging by the fact that they name it out loud--is not the only planet they've traveled. They are searching for someone they think is heading north, and they speak an ancient language.
If any of this is incorrect, then that would be the first thing for you to fix. If not, then there were still some rough spots conveying the above information. The first and second sentences need to be cut into shorter ones. Watch out for said-bookism; it's not a crime to use "said." "Erets" as a singular proper noun can be confusing. I'd avoid introducing singular nouns that end in "s." Try to avoid teaching the reader big vocab and concepts in the first sentences: it's okay to just say they "slid into visibility" and save the finer points of Ish and Ish-Ruach for when the reader has committed to the story.
If you can get that part to keep my head from spinning, I'd love to read more.
posted
The first line up to the "and" was interesting. The rest was less so or raised some questions that bothered me.
How does Eliud "absorb" his surroundings? Since he's something not human absorbing something could be literal. Also, if they'd been walking down the road, wouldn't Eliud know what was behind him? For me, I'd like less description of what is behind him and more details about why Eliud is there.
posted
I very much like your outline and ideas. They hold promise and have my interest! That said:
I agree with leaving lingo until later. I like the “slid into visibility” suggestion, and perhaps add something about feeling a different type of body form around him? Also make it clear if they were already here but invisible, or if they just now arrived.
“unremarkable and ordinary men of flesh and blood” is cumbersome. It sounds like it may be unusual for him to be in a “physical environment”. How about if one of them looks at his hands and thinks/feels how it is to be in this form [again]? If the body type is not substantially different, then I suggest skipping “and…blood” in the first sentence. I assume they're trying to blend in; I suspect that is only relevant if they usually look different.
Any hint as to why they are here?
You don’t need “for a moment”, “hurriedly and steeply”, “its twisting way”.
You already sound like a character. "Mrs. Brown in number four always vacuumed early on Wednesday mornings, bashing walls and furniture with that heavy cast ancient Hoover. As I lay awake I wonder if one day her whole apartment might not just come crashing down into mine.”
Yes, anyway. Lol. I am distracted with a couple of short stories right now, but Elizabeth’s Gift is like home to me. I want to get better working out shorts first and then I hope to be able to bring that greater degree of skill back to this demanding story. Thank you for your observations everything is appreciated.
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