I am working on writing a Science Fiction trilogy. And am looking for proffesional feedback. i have near enough completed the manuscript of Book 1 and have posted the first paragraph below if anyone is interested. I would be grateful to find people prepared to give this a test read and hopefully give some decent feedback.
Working Title is 'Earth Under Siege' but like I say its just a working title....sub title-Book 1, The Coming Of Armaggeddon.
The Emperor gazed proudly from a large window near the top of his forty story stone tower upon the city he called home, his emotions masked so that no one could see the pride to which he felt towards his domain. A metropolis that had risen from the barren and mountainous desert landscape with buildings jutting up like black stone teeth into the sky, with their edges sharply defined by an intense sunlight with the heat being something that generations of families had long since become accustom to. Only his clothing gave any clues about his dynasty, reminiscent of the times long ago when men wore armour, the breastplate of polished silver accompanied by the dark brown and black leather-esque material, interlaced his jacket and trousers, finished by his protective thigh high
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2007).]
It looks like you've got the overly-long-sentence syndrome, like me. Try to slow down a bit, don't feed us so much so soon. Why is all of this information necessary right now? Also, I think we need a POV here. The Emperor, perhaps? And I was a little thrown off by the "emotions masked so that no one could see" part. He's at the top of a tower, these people must have really good eyesight. Or are they in the tower too?
This has excellent potential, I look forward to seeing the revised version.
posted
You're being cinematic. This is rare, and I think it's because it's less satisfying. If you show us how the Emporer looks, we won't be too interested. (It'd be different in actual cinema, in which you could show us a spectacle.) But if you show us who he is inside and what he's struggling with, we'll be hooked. Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote: The Emperor gazed proudly from a large window near the top of his forty story stone tower upon the city he called home, his emotions masked so that no one could see the pride to which he felt towards his domain.
If he gazed proudly from a large window...is his pride really masked? This a very long sentence that could be trimmed and separated into some shorter, more poignant sentences.
What is his name?
What is the name of his domain/city? Or is he referring to his keep?
I.E.: Emporer Kai-Shek gazed out over Evil Robot Monkey-ville with pride.
quote: A metropolis that had risen from the barren and mountainous desert landscape with buildings jutting up like black stone teeth into the sky, with their edges sharply defined by an intense sunlight with the heat being something that generations of families had long since become accustom to.
This is a huge fragment. It encompasses a few different trains of thought.
It could be cleaned up:
The metropolis rose out of the desert floor like a cluster of polished onyx.
quote: Only his clothing gave any clues about his dynasty, reminiscent of the times long ago when men wore armour, the breastplate of polished silver accompanied by the dark brown and black leather-esque material, interlaced his jacket and trousers, finished by his protective thigh high...
This is one sentence? ...and it isn't even finished? This is way too much about his clothes.
This could easily be simplified to: The way his clothes incorporated armor and leather into the stylish design was indicative of his dynasty.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 25, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 25, 2007).]
posted
Thanks for your help there, i'll have a revise and see what you think. Shall I post the second paragraph, cos it gives a few more ideas on what is actually going on.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Thanks for your support with this one it means a lot to me. This is my first attempt at writing a novel and going for a trilogy is a big way to start.
The Emperor Gorth-Naal of the Cirusen Empire gazed proudly from a large window near the top of his forty story stone tower upon the vast and ancient city of Korath-Naris. There was not a sign of emotion upon his hard and battle scarred face. Before him lay a metropolis of tall buildings like shiney black stone teeth. The way his clothes incorporated armor and leather into the stylish design was indicative of his dynasty. Gorth-Naal cracked a small pleasured grin and it revealed a row sharp jagged fang like teeth. His inner eyelids flicked quickly from the inside across his deep green eyes.
posted
I'll give the first two chapters a read if you are still looking for interested people. Otherwise, in regards to what you have here, I want to see some kind of conflict going on. I know you feel like we need to hear about the king and his land, but trust me, we have read about the stone-faced MC who surveys the land enough times to have that all condensed into one sentence.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
It's nice description and since it's a novel, I might give you a bit more time (another paragraph or two) to hook me (preferably with conflict but some wonderful description might work too) but there's nothing inherently hooky for me in the 13.
You still have the apparent contradiction - he gazes "proudly" but there was "not a sign of emotion." While this is probably possible, it throws me everytime I read it. Also, unless you are full omni you may have a POV violation. It's hard to tell on the first 13.
Speaking of POV . . . I don't know who the POV is. It's not the Emperor because he wouldn't think about the lack of emotion on is "hard and battle scarred face." So who is telling me the story?
I agree with Mystic that you could pare down the first 13. At the end of the 13 you are just getting to the fact that he is something other than human but I'm skimming now because of all the description. I didn't catch the inner eyelids until the third read. Tighten it up a bit more.
posted
Maybe if I didn't start the story with the Emperor...The next paragraph moves to an Ambassaorial ship and his aide, goes to give him some news....etc etc.
I see your point, is what is the Emperor doing, he is just staring out at his city but the event that takes place immediatly after would actually be completly hidden from him and his involvement would not happen until the ambassadors aide arrives in the throne room..........hmmm
posted
I think if all you are doing is describing the Emperor and then jumping somewhere else in the next paragraph you might be starting in the wrong place. What happens if you start with the "event" you reference, if you are already showing it in the next paragraphs, or when the aide reports, if you aren't?
If the aid is reporting the "event" twice - once to the Ambassador and once to the Emperor - you probably should pick the time it matters most and show me that. Then you can tell me the second event, ie. As instructed Aide reported the incident to the Emperor. The Emperor then sent out his fleet of evil robot monkeys to dispatach . . . It will give you a chance to show me what the Emperor is like and get the conflict going sooner.
I'm slow on crits but feel free to email me the first 2 chapters. Spring break for the kids starts tomorrow so I should have some free-ish time.
posted
Below is a rehashed version of the begining of this novel, as you can see I have changed the POV.
The planet of Cirus loomed up as two Baraka class starships approached, escorting the Ambassador Tarath-Drus back home from a botched mission. Behind the two escort ships was the Ambassadorial Class G star cruiser, at the helm was the Ambassadors aide, Kaerak. ‘Nearly home Ambassador,’ Kaerak stated as he maneuvered the ship into the planets orbit. The Ambassador was stood behind him. Arms folded across his broad chest. ‘Only just…Those fighters smashed our left rear engines.’ The Ambassadors tone with his aide was cold and heavy. ‘Look I got you out safely didn’t I!’ Kaerak sneered at the Ambassador, knowing he was angry with him.
It talks about the process of settling on a beginning for Ender's Shadow, which I found really interesting, having recently read the book. Even without having read the book, I think this is a useful article. I hope it's helpful!
posted
Thanks for that. Certainly helped and very informative. What I really need is someone who is prepared to give my novel a full test read. The help I have had in the first few chapters has been invaluable and helped make this look alot better.
If anyone is prepared to sit and read al 84'000 words of this (Book 1/3)
posted
graeme canty, how about if you ask for people to read a partial?
A whole novel is an awful lot to read if there are problems all the way through it that could be fixed by having someone read just the first twenty pages.
This topic also has some suggestions on how to get and give feedback on completed novels.
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Try to slow down a bit, don't feed us so much so soon. Why is all of this information necessary right now? Also, I think we need a POV here. The Emperor, perhaps? And I was a little thrown off by the "emotions masked so that no one could see" part. He's at the top of a tower, these people must have really good eyesight. 
Or are they in the tower too?
