posted
"Enchanted; he wanted to run, he wanted to stay, but he didn’t dare let it see him."
Is this too awkward? I've rewritten it several times and this is the best t've came up with. I've also tried diffrent punctuation.
"Enchanted, he wanted to run, he wanted to stay, but he didn’t dare let it see him."
"Enchanted, he wanted to run; he wanted to stay, but he didn’t dare let it see him."
"He was enchanted, wanted to run, and wanted to stay, but he didnt dare let it see him."
To me it all feels a bit awkward, the first one the least awkward but still awkward. If you were in the middle of the scene and ran accross this would it pull you out of your emmersion?
posted
Not knowing a thing about this story, much less this scene I came up with this. I added a personal noun to offset your pronouns, and to make the scene much more personal. I also carefully chose what words I ended the sentences with to add more punch to what you were trying to say.
How about this instead.
Derrik wanted to run, to flee this godforsaken place. But, at the same time, he wanted to stay. Stay and observe what was going to happen next. This much he knew, it was all part of the enchantment, one without hope of escape. He also knew that if the spell caster saw him, he was as good as dead...
posted
The ripples spread out colliding with the shore. Emerging from the center of the rings was a horse--it resembled a horse, its mane of seaweed hung limp. The white bridal shimmered with droplets of water, reflecting the sunset’s deep orange and purples. The black and forest green colored coat was swirled with patterns, entwining over its body. The pattern seemed to slither over its body, which made looking directly at it disorienting. Its eyes, like deep black pearls, gleamed in the fading light. Naven’s heart leapt into his throat. Enchanted; he wanted to run, he wanted to stay, but he didn’t dare let it see him.
Here is 9 lines preceding, it may help clear some questions up.
posted
"He was enchanted. He wanted to both stay and to run. Either way, he didn't dare let it see him."
I think it is better as three sentences... imho... (in my hopeful optimism)
BTW: I think you can probably double the wattage on the word to more closely describe what you mean and underscore the attraction/repulsion of the moment.
An imperfect example of adding candle-power to the words:
He was captivated but appalled. He wanted to watch, but he wanted to flee too. Either way, he could not let it it see him."
PS : I also think you should not use 'enchanted' if it is not the result of an some sort of spell or witchery.)
2¢ Good luck with it.
It's your story, you care about it a lot more than us. Only make the changes help achieve the effect you need in order to tell the story. You have to trust your gut on some of these things.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited May 29, 2007).]
posted
I'm not the grammar queen, but I don't think the semi-colon is used correctly in the first sentence (the one you like the best.) I *think* it's for use in a case where each phrase could stand alone (has subject/verb at minimum.) It could work with an iterrogative (a one-word sentence- e.g., Stop!), but then again those usually have their own punctuation.
I thought this one worked the best at communicating what was going on, if I understood correctly what was going on, that is. "He was enchanted, wanted to run, and wanted to stay, but he didnt dare let it see him."
Here you could use 2 sentences or (I think) a semicolon: He was enchanted; wanted to run, wanted to stay... or "He was enchanted. He wanted to run..."
As another poster mentioned, I'm presuming he's enchanted, as in bewitched. If he's just enchanted - entranced...because the scene is so beautiful, for example, well - perhaps you might want to consider another word if you don't want people getting the impression that he's under a spell of some sort.
posted
Well he is enchanted. Love at first sight kinda thing.
I chose the ; on that first sentence because I punctuate by ear.
, short pause ; medium pause -- longer pause . stop ... Contemplating pause, or if I'm leaving something out.
Some punctuating rules just beg for me to break them. =)
I really want to keep this as one sentence. The last sentence is a shorter punchy sentence, and I don’t want too many short ones in this section. I’m either going to change it or wait. I hate getting in to edit mode to early. I lose my inspiration.
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited May 29, 2007).]
Enchanted. He wanted to run. . . wanted to stay; he didn’t dare let it see him.
or I think it could be like this. . .
Enchanted; he wanted to run. . . wanted to stay. But he didn’t dare let it see him.
I think in writing sometimes fragments are just a part of the style to enhanse the mood of the piece. Fragments used sparingly give more urgency to the writing, like the main character can't even think streight enough to formulate a proper sentence.
posted
I think that the best way to look at this particular sentence is as two separate states for your character. He is enchanted, and he is conflicted about staying or leaving. I think a lot of the people are on the right track (for my money, hoptoad's first revision is the best), but the overall idea is that the two states should be separated.
Also, a semi colon does not indicate the amount of a pause a reader is to take, like a rest note in musical notation. It is used to join two related sentences together without needing to resort to but or and. While the two states are somewhat related, style should not interfere with the ability of a reader to comprehend what is going on. Separate the two states and give them complete sentences of their own.
posted
No, it doesn’t indicate how much pause a person is to take. But it does anyway. Next time you read something with a ; see how much you pause before going on, and how much for a , and how much for --. You will notice pauses, and regardless rules are meant to be bent and broken. That’s want makes writing exciting and artistic to me. I don't have to box myself in by strict rules.
You can use punctuation how ever you like, but you MUST set the rules for the reader early on in the story so they know what to expect later on, and once you have established a pattern don’t deviate from it. You may not like that, and that’s your choice. That’s the great thing about it.
quote:You can use punctuation how ever you like, but you MUST set the rules for the reader early on in the story so they know what to expect later on, and once you have established a pattern don’t deviate from it. You may not like that, and that’s your choice. That’s the great thing about it.
I'll take issue with this assertion. Certain parts of language are malleable when we write: sentence structure; spelling (if being used to illustrate different dialects, etc.); paragraph form, maybe. Punctuation, however, is not one of those things you should be messing around with for style points.
For one, no reader wants to have to refer to a Legend at the front of the book for guidance on how to interpret that semicolon they just saw in the middle of that sentence there. For example:
A) "And then I place this picture on my desk," Sarah said, adjusting the frame, "just like that."
B) "And then I place this picture on my desk," Sarah said, adjusting the frame, "just; like; that."
Looking at B, it indicated a natural pause between the three words, and its easy to understand how that particular line is to be spoken. Great. Fantastic. Any ediitor or agent in the world looks at that line and says, "Who is this nitwit?" Looking at A, a reader might intuit that you want a pause between those three words. They might not. Does it change the meaning of the phrase? No. But having those semicolons there means the reader has to stop, get out of the story, and think about exactly what context you are using those marks in, and how they should affect their reading of the scene.
And for two (though I alluded to this earlier) if you ever intend to have something published by any reputable source, they will not accept your disregard for punctuation and its uses. Punctuation is how we standardize our communications between one another in the printed media. To rearrange it is to invite trouble over for dinner.
posted
You use Strunk and White don't you? Great book just out dated.
Your examples were very bad. There was no need for a pause in the places you added the semicolons and dialog rarely needs a semicolon.
And, as for being not being published. I have been published several hundred times. I am a freelance columnist. I have, as well, published several poems and short stories. This is my first attempt at a novel. So that doesn't hold any water.
If you don’t write that way FINE--don’t. Coop yourself up in 80 year old rules that give no leeway for your writing.
quote:For one, no reader wants to have to refer to a Legend at the front of the book for guidance on how to interpret that semicolon they just saw in the middle of that sentence there. For example:
No where did I say that you had to have a legend. What I meant was if you use an altranet use of punctuation early on don't deviate and use it diffrently later on. Either use a loose punctuation style or a strict one, but try not to use both.
Anyway quit arguing about a freaking semicolon that may never make it past my first draft.
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited May 29, 2007).]
posted
I'm going to offer my apologies. I never meant to start an argument, and in retrospect using nitwit in my previous post was perhaps a mistake (apparently I've been reading a little too much miss Snark). An opinion was asked for at the outset and I expressed my own on the usage of punctuation. Perhaps we were just miscommunicating. The alternate uses of conventions is certainly your perogative. I never intended to offend. Congratulations on your many publishing credits.
If you would like to take this up further, my email address is not difficult to find.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited May 29, 2007).]
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Good luck with it.
