posted
Howdy! Well, it's been a while since I've posted a fragment. I'm not looking for readers (I have plenty of freeloading English majors in my house for that.), but I have never felt right about this opening. For the record, the novel is at about 130,000+ words, and I'm about to begin editing. Specifically, I need to know if too much is being said right here, if anything is blatently confusing, and if it has that overall hook. Thanks for the help.
A blue aura shone around Will’s fingers that he had broken while fighting the two kids who sat across from him in the nurse’s office. In the next room over, he could hear his older brother, Edward, arguing with the principal about whether or not to suspend him from school. Will glared at the larger of the two boys, Logan, who was still dabbing a tissue at the blood that had soaked through the bandage on his broken nose. Although Will knew he should have been keeping better count, he still blamed Logan for adding that fifth fight to his record that would put him out of school.
“Does your hand still hurt? Maybe when your brother’s done kissing the principal’s butt, he can kiss away your
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited June 22, 2007).]
posted
How exciting, a finished work to edit! Congrats on the accomplishment.
Some thoughts on these lines:
The first sentence has too many clauses. the aura shone around the fingers which were broken while fighting the kids across in the nurse's office, whew! Could be a couple separate sentences, or there could be a more novel way of doing things that would separate out these clauses which start to lose their referent after so many of them in a row...(forgive me if I'm using the wrong terms - I do seat-of-pants grammar mostly, not always using the right terms for what I observe.)
One possible suggestion: A blue aura shone around Will's fingers. Those very same fingers he broke while fighting with the two kids now seated across from him. They were in the nurse's office, and in the next room he could hear his older brother Edward in a heated exchange with the principle. The subject? Whether to suspend Will from school.
Will glared at the larger of the two boys, Logan. He was glad to see that Logan was dabbing a tissue at the blood that soaked through the bandage on his broken nose. Serves him right, the little creep. Though Will knew he should have kept better count, he blamed Logan for this 5th fight; the one that would mean certain expulsion.
==not in any way perfect, but just wanted to illustrate a couple ways to break up sentences. Sometimes I have trouble seeing how to do it and I appreciate seeing other's suggestions. Hope this is helpful!
posted
Seemed to hook me. I wanted to find out how the fight was started, why the MC has a tendency to fight and what will happen if he's kicked out of school.
The "blue aura" thing intrigued me as well, though it seemed a bit confusing at first (I also thought something supernatural was involved...).
I found the first sentence too long as well. Where you shorten it will depend upon the significance of the blue aura metaphor/supernatural thing, which deserves its own short, snappy sentence.
P.S. Congrats on finishing the first draft of your novel!
[This message has been edited by solarsurfer (edited June 22, 2007).]
posted
This first sentance is too long and clumsy. It could go something like: A blue aura shone around the fingers Will broke fighting Logan and <other kid's name>. They sat across from him in the nurses office.
The next sentance is a little too long too.
quote:he can kiss away your...
your what? I want to know.
I don't think too much is being said. I'm fine with that. Also, I'm not confused by anything. Hook? I wold read on further to find out about the blue aura, but I think as someone else said, I wouldn't want to wait too long.
quote: A blue aura shone around Will’s fingers[.] [Deleted H]e had broken [them] while fighting the two kids who sat across from him in the nurse’s office.[<--Who are the two kids?] In the next room over, he could hear his older brother, Edward, [who argued] with the principal about whether or not to suspend him from school.[<--Why is his brother arguing his case instead of a parent?] Will glared at the larger of the two boys, Logan, who [was still dabbing<--dabbed] a tissue at [the blood that had soaked through the bandage on his broken nose.<--That's a whole lot of blood for a broekn nose. To bleed through the bandage enough to drip...!] Although Will knew he should have [been keeping<--kept] better count, he still blamed Logan for adding that fifth fight to his record[.One more (or whatever the count amounts to)] would put him out of school.[Still don't know who the other kid is, what condition he's in, or what motivated them.]
“Does your hand still hurt?[Who is talking?] Maybe when your brother’s done kissing the principal’s butt, he can kiss away your
Why did you introduce the "blue aura" then leave us with no explanation?
I've got nothing invested in any of the characters yet, so I can't sympathize.
Name your characters.
(By the way, my son's name is Logan. Most people who have the name Logan are girls. It should be an ambiguous name, but I find people have a preconceived notion, at least around here.)
You don't have "too much being said", but not enough being explained.
Because you go on to more mundane aspects, the "blue aura" is no longer a viable hook. Doesn't Logan notice it? What about the second (Insert Name Here) character, or is he oblivious?
Are three boys that were just fighting sitting ALONE in the nurse's office? Is that wise? Why aren't they fighting again?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 23, 2007).]
posted
I agree with above comments. The beginning is too clunky. Too many long sentences without any variety. It would be okay if you were setting up a slow, melodical sort of opening, but you're not. I think that the whole intro could do better with shorter, punchy sentences.
Also, as a reader, I wondered, how does the MC feel about the blue aura. Surprised? feels normal about it? When did it start happening? Just now? or since childhood, etc?
So if you are going to hook with the blue aura, just a little bit more to whet my appetite would be appreciated.
posted
The blue aura had me going, but then the story goes off in another direction. Meanwhile I'm still wondering about the blue aura (Spiritual? Kirlian aura? What is it?) Why is the aura only around his fingers? I want to know more about the aura and why he can see it.
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posted
"In the next room over, he could hear his older brother..." is ambiguous. Will isn't in the next room, his brother is. Perhaps "He could hear his older brother Edward arguing with the principal in the next room over."
Additionally, the way Edward and Logan's names get introduced are too similar to be that close together: "...his older brother, Edward, arguing..." "...larger of the two boys, Logan, who..." I like darklight's suggestion of introducing Logan's name in-line.
I'd love to either know sooner why the blue aura is there, or not have it be there at all.
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Congrats on the accomplishment.
