posted
Hi guys, I have written 23,000 words of book one in what will be a seven book series for kids, and I would love to have some opinions on my first three chapters (<12,000 words). I need high-level comments about interest, story development, characterization, that sort of thing. Especially if you enjoy YA!
Here are 13 from the prologue, comments appreciated:
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Aegean entered the kitchen, scratching the side of his washboard torso. “Morning,” he mumbled, picking a mango from the centerpiece. His parents were having coffee, laughing together, their white teeth sparkling amid their midnight complexions.
“Ah, mon bébé!” His mother gave his arm a squeeze. His older sisters appeared -- a curvy blonde and a wispy brunette. They tousled Aegean’s golden mane as they took seats.
“Aegean,” His father leaned in to be heard over the girls’ chatter. “We received a message from school last night.”
“School doesn’t start again till after New Year’s, Dad.” Aegean passed the mango slices to his sisters.
“No, son,” his father leaned closer, “the Base.” ------------------------
-amiya
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 11, 2007).]
posted
Hey, Mitchell (hope that's OK to call you). Your 13 lines sound interesting, though I have trouble understanding some words (washboard torso?). I would be willing to read the rest of your writing and telling you what I think of it.
posted
My first thought was, "Aegean? As in Aegean Sea?"
The POV isn't really clear to me. It sounds like it's supposed to be in Aegean's, but who (unless he's a total narcissist) thinks of their own "washboard torso", or about their golden mane? The description of the parents was a bit odd too--too purpley.
Other than that, I was interested in know about the Mindsbase and what they want with Aegean.
Oh, and MartinV, YA=Young Adult.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 10, 2007).]
quote: Aegean entered the kitchen, scratching the side of his [washboard torso<--What's this? I've heard of "washboard abs", but not this.]. “Morning,” he mumbled, picking a mango from the centerpiece. His parents[Here you switch from onmiscient/cinematic to Aegean's PoV. it's jarring.] were having coffee, laughing together, their [white teeth sparkling<--This sounds like a Colgate commercial. It stopped immersion.] amid their [midnight complexions.<--What is this? Are you trying to illustrate a different skin pigmentation? If so,you've switched back to omniscient and made it too flowery.][/b]]
“Ah, mon bébé!” [His mother<--If your going to stay omniscient, name the mother.] gave his arm a squeeze. His older sisters appeared -- a curvy blonde and a wispy brunette. They tousled Aegean’s golden mane as they took seats.
“Aegean,” His father leaned in to be heard over the girls’ chatter. “We received a message from school last night.”
“School doesn’t start again till after New Year’s, Dad.” Aegean passed the mango slices to his sisters.
“No, son,” [his father<--If omniscient, name the father.] leaned closer, “the Base.”[Eh?]
“Mindsbase? They never contact people outside...do they?” [Eh? What's a mindbase?]
This is a bit too disjointed for me, I know it'd be hard for my kids--and they are exceptional readers. I don't mind cinemtatic/omniscient if it's smooth; the same for flowery prose, if it promotes a cleaner picture. The prose should never detract from the story. In this excerpt, I'm left with questions to clarify what I just read. IMHO - Never a good thing.
At the end the reference to "base" and "Mindsbase" seems contrived to be the hook. Instead, the references jarred me even further. If you're going to introduce "Mindsbase" within the first thirteen, jump right in with that.
posted
Thanks for reading everyone. I'm interested that the POV is a problem -- I intended it to be only cinematic, not entering even Aegean's thoughts. Do you think calling his parents and sisters such violates that? Or what exactly violates it? If I simply name each of them, how is it apparent that they are a family. In a visual picture, the inference would be clear, but in text, I felt I had to reference them by their relationships.
IB, you mentioned starting right with Mindsbase and going from there. I'll rewrite one like that and see what you think...
posted
K, here's one that's stripped of everything but dialog. It turns the two-page prologue into a single thirteen-liner. This reminds me of a more Card-like opening, but I don't think of myself as bare-stage.... I'm writing more of a character-driven milieu. Mindsbase is a world the members live in during sleep, using advanced technology to create a shared dream. Anyway, here's just the dialog:
------ “Aegean, we received a message from school last night.” “School doesn’t start again till after New Year’s, Dad.” “No, son, I mean the Base.” “Mindsbase? They never contact people outside...do they? What did they say?” “They need your help recruiting a reluctant invitee -- a girl who lives across the river. Jackson’s taking you to see her today.” “Jackson, from the Council...what’s this all about? And why in the world do they want me?” “The real question is, why do they want her?”
posted
Is this the revised 13? It doesn't work for me at all. It reads like a script and loses the depth of character and setting that I want from a book.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
As skadder and I--at least, I think it was skadder--have gone around about (and he? was right), cinemtaic can be omniscient or 3rd person. You have to decide which. Stylistically, if you are too distant from your characters, I will be turned off. That's not to say this is the case for everyone. OSC says every choice has a cost: some choices will excite readers, others will turn a reader off. It's inevitable.
Whichever you choose, you're telling me--except in rare instances--that you will tell the story in that PoV. Too much switching (or appearing to switch) and you lose my confidence in your abilities.
Now to your dialogue:
I'd like a tag to know who is talking. If I hadn't read the first version, I might not associate Aegean with being the son. And then, I'm left wondering about your setting. You're on the right track, but you need to blend more elements. Bad example:
"We've received a message from school last night," Dad said to Aegean, as he walked into the room. "School doesn't start again until after New Year's, Dad." He grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and spoon from the drawer and then he went to the table. A couple of boxes of cereal were ikn the center of the table, along with a pitcher of milk. "No, Son," Dad said. He leaned toward Aegean and with a conspiring whisper, said, "I mean the base." "Mindsbase? They never contacxt oustside people. Do they?" He he dropped his spoon in the still-empty bowl, and looked at Dad's annoyed stare. "What did they say?" "They need you help recruiting some girl from across the river," Dad said. "Jackson's going to take you to see her, today."
Also, it seems you're starting before the story. You might question whether or not what comes before either Jackson taking him to the girl or him meeting and trying to convince her to join (or whatever) is even necessary. Does it do anything for the story that the rest can't achieve?
Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 11, 2007).]
Regarding the POV issue. You can have 3rd person limited-cinematic or an omniscient-cinematic.
Your prose see's everything from Aegean's POV and cues the reader it is his POV (HIS father, HIS mother, HIS sisters, etc.). Then you seem to step out fo this POV with comments about his 'golden mane' etc.
Now, if you were going for omniscient-cinematic, then you should establish this POV really early by dipping into a few heads, thereby clarifying to your reader what the POV deal is.
posted
OK, no one has asked about the title. Is there a pun involved? or is this the Neverending Corn (field)?
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Yes, WouldBe, it is sort of a pun, based on three plot points. One is about some agricultural things the kids do, another is that they learn about designing mazes, and the third is an actual corn maze that they solve in the third act.
Is this inferred too strongly, or too weakly in the title, do you think? I think I have a tendency to create titles, even chapter titles, that are amusing to me but may be oblique to everyone else.
posted
I'm curious also about this POV discussion. In the original, if you were to take out the torso bit and the color of Aegean's hair, would this be a fine example of 3rd person?
As for the piece itself, I feel like I'm getting a ton of physical description fast and loose. Five people are getting introduced in a few sentences. It's kind of hard to introduce the main character when you're trying to introduce his whole family at once. Maybe slow it down, or make this discussion more intimate, maybe only Aegean and his dad?
posted
I'm not sure if anyone else got this feeling, but these thirteen lines felt almost like something very sexual was going on. I mean Aegean is described as the really good-looking guy, and then the three female characters all seem to give him bizarre touches (Mom hug and sisters just sit down, girlfriends give arm squeezes and play with hair). This little oddity was enhanced by all of the vivid physical description and the mother's excitement at Aegean's entrance, but not by his sisters. I didn't take anything Freudian or Oedipal from the actual scene, but the phrasing and word choice just felt really weird. I would critique the rest, but I really can't get over these details.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
That's an interesting interpretation, Mystic.
The family is affectionate, partly because the parents are from the French West Indies, which is a warm, open culture. Also, Aegean is the youngest child and only boy, and they all treat him somewhat as the little prince.
I certainly meant for affection to come through, not sexuality.
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