1. Genre: Fiction with a dash of sci-fi. I don't want over the top stuff that will alienate my wife. What genre that makes me, I'm not sure.
2. Current length: 60k words, estimated total of about 110k-120k
3. Looking for: Comments on the first 13.
4. Other stuff: I've set the book up in what I believe is limited 3rd person, though I might be using that terminology wrong. I'm sticking to one character's POV per chapter, similar to what George R.R. Martin does. I don't believe this first 13 reveals a great deal of the plot, but I'll resist the temptation to tell you more about the story. Everything fit in the box, so hopefully it's only 13. Thanks in advance for the criticism.

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Max Burton snored as the computer screen in front of him illuminated his face. His dream about a sexy super model was interrupted when the computer let out a high-pitched beep. He rubbed his eyes and sat up to see what had stolen him away from his dream. The chances of it living up to a blonde twenty-something were slim.

As the screen flashed “data analysis complete” in bright blue letters, Max remembered what he was working on. Once a quarter he ran a summary of all the seismic data the Parkfield laboratory had collected, and once a quarter it put him to sleep. Max hit the print key and walked over to the fridge. He grabbed a soda and threw a frozen pizza in the microwave to feed his growing belly. Max worked and lived at the lab, and
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[This message has been edited by nathan118 (edited November 13, 2007).]

Welcome to Hatrack. I shall be your critiquer today.

Limited third person POV means that you can only see what the POV person can/could see through there own eyes. For example, I can see the computer screen as I type, I can hear my dog walking about, but I can't see the back of my own head, because my eyes can't do that. It is permissible to go from hearing the POV's thoughts to a general description of room but it has to meet the criteria of the POV character being in a place where he could see what you describe.
Your POV character could not see himself sleeping, or know the screen was illuminating his face, or even that he was snoring. You should start with his dream, instead. He probably wouldn't know it was his computer that woke him until after he had woken.

quote:

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As the screen flashed “data analysis complete” in bright blue letters, Max remembered what he was working on(sounds a bit false to me, IMO). Once a quarter he ran a summary of all the seismic data the Parkfield laboratory had collected, and once a quarter it put him to sleep (Nice). Max hit the print key and walked over to the fridge. He grabbed a soda and threw a frozen pizza in the microwave to feed his growing (growing or growling?) belly. Max worked and lived at the lab, and

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I can't say it really makes me want to read more. The dream about the 'sexy super model' was a bit cliche -- it would be more believable if he were to dream something a little unusual. There doesn't seem to be any real hooks. Nothing has happened. I assume it is about a seismic disturbance of some sort, but it could be a story about a growing belly! Perhaps you should start with him waking because of a tremor, or discovering the anomaly in the quarters summary.e.g.

Max put down the pizza and traced a greasy finger across the printout.
"What the hell," he mumbled, scarcely believing the results.
He had never seen seismic readings like this before. It was almost as though there was something digging it's way out of the earth's mantle.
"It's impossible..." he said, but his hand reached for the red phone.

It's just an example, and not very good.

Most of the problem with this is it's static. In two paragraphs I know nothing more than the ambiguous:
1) Slim chance of himk hooking up with a twenty-somethings blond.
2) He ran a boring, quarterly summary of all Parkfield Laboratory's collected seismic data, and it--predictably--put him to sleep.

This being a novel, you have to choose an avenue to bring us into the hook from. It doesn't have to have a plot-hook in the first 13, just a reader-hook. Give me something that draws me in:

Who is Max Burton? How old is he? What is he all about? If the seismic data is relevant to the plot, cut from "As the computer screen flashed 'data analysis complete', Max smiled at the end of this quarterly tedium. In just a moment, he would have the summary of all the seismic data that Parkfield Labs had acquired." to what the information tells him, and how it's relevant. Combine the two and you get a powerful hook.

Hope this help.

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The words “data analysis complete” flashed on the computer screen in front of Max Burton. For 23 years Max had worked at the Parkfield Experiment in California on the San Andreas Fault. Once a quarter he ran a summary of all the seismic data recorded. Usually it was a mundane task, but not today.
The number at the bottom of the screen was absurd. “Total seismic occurrences: 8,043.” Max started to think his presence in the lab might actually be needed, because that number should have been in the low hundreds. Scrolling through the data, Max found the problem. Back in mid-October the number of microquakes had gone off the charts. Either the equipment was busted, or something below the surface was causing them. Max pulled up the data from each sensor to compare them and hit “print all.”
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I took out a lot of the fluff in the beginning and brought up some stuff that I had later in the chapter. This is all stuff that I get to in the first 1500 words of the book, but putting it up front might get someone to turn past page 1 of a manuscript. While I'm thinking about it, I've also got a 1200 word prologue that sets the stage (a volcanic eruption which marks this rise in seismic data). Do most editor types start with the prologue, or with the first chapter? My prologue isn't extremely long, but the hook in that chapter doesn't come until 300 or 400 words. Can readers really not make it that far without needing something flashy?

I wonder if seismic "occurrences" should be seismic "events".

My take (Changes are in italics, deletions are not mentioned, and I moved on sentence.):

quote:

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The words “data analysis complete” flashed on the computer screen in front of Max. For 23 years Max had worked at the Parkfield Experiment[,] on the San Andreas Fault, and had run a quarterly summary of all the seismic data recorded. It was a mundane task, until today.
The number was absurd. “Total seismic occurrences: 8,043.” Max started to think his presence in the lab might actually be needed. That number should have been in the low hundreds. He printed up the data from each sensor to compare. He found the problem. Back in mid-October[,] the number of microquakes had gone off the charts. Either the equipment was busted, or something below the surface was causing them.

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Much better job of staying in 3rd Person Limited (3PL). But if it's him alone, IMO stick with the pronouns to make his name less visible. I don't think: InarticulateBabbler did anything. I just think about what I did. Using the pronoun doesn't actually make that happen, but it is closer to invisible than Max.

Hope this helps.