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Tagline: Only after death did his life begin. ... note to self: tagline needs work. I'm posting my 13 and please note: my writing style is where I begin with a minor chacters POV so it is not the 'true' beginning. The 'true' beginning with the main protagonist is kinda dry and i needed a puncher. Let me know what you think.
“Paige! Get out! Now!” The scratches were getting closer. It was one floor above them. Paige slipped through a doorway, trying to find Jacob. The old house was crumbling around her. “Jacob! Jacob!” she cried, she couldn’t find him. She snagged her jeans on an outcropping of splinters from the damaged door, but she pressed forward. Movement flashed behind her and she brought her sword to attack it. A steady hand blocked her wrist. “Paige! Get the hell out now!” There was a loud crash in the next room. The beast had broken through the ceiling. “Not without you!” She leveled her blade at the doorway, waiting for it to appear at any moment.
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Okay, for novels, we don't expect as much in the first thirteen as short stories. We expect enough to make us want to read more. So, if your "true beginning" can't do that, we would never get to this.
On this, I'm not sure what is going on. 1) Who yells to Paige in the first line? 2) What was scratching one floor above them? (If the POV knows, we should, too.) 3) Where are they? 4) What time period is this?
IMO - Start where the story does. If it gets deep into the character of the protagonist, it won't be dry; if it's too dry to start with, maybe that's what you should focus on. Ask yourself why it's dry? Besides, if it's too dry to start with here, it's way too dry to send to an editor.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 10, 2007).]
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I thought this opening is not bad. The questions left unanswered I trust will be made known - they can wait and for me as they are not as urgent as getting into the action and taking us through it - which you do.
A nit: "She leveled her blade at the doorway, waiting for it to appear at any moment." This could be better written - as it is now "it" seems to reference the blade - "She leveled her blade at the doorway, waiting for it (the blade?") to appear at any moment.
"She leveled her blade at the doorway, waiting for the beast to appear at any moment."
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It caught my interest. For some reason (maybe the names?) I pictured urban fantasy, so I was a little put off by the sword. Now I'm not sure what to think of the setting. Also, "beast" is such a general term, I'm not really sure what's chasing them. A little clarity might help put what's going on in perspective, as well as a little internal dialogue, maybe.
The problem with starting out with minor characters is that now I'm attached to Paige and Jacob. I'm expecting a story about Paige and Jacob. If I'm suddenly immersed in a dry section with the MC, I might lose interest, or at least have a hard time sympathizing with the MC. Also, I'll be looking to return to Paige and Jacob, and wondering how they fit into the story.
It might be better to rethink the opening for the MC. Choosing a different opening might let you start off with a bang, with your MC in the driver's seat.
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I agree with nitewriter about the 'it' though when I first read it I thought you might have been referring to the doorway, and imagined a sort of sliders situation where 'doorways' or 'portals' appeared to take you somewhere else. In this case probably to the afterlife.
I like the idea, and this is an odd comment, feel free to ignore it, but I recently read a book called Haunted by Kelley Armstrong about a ghost and her life after death, and there was a supporting character called Paige. I know it is probably a coincidence and nitpicky but just something to keep in mind, I once submitted a manuscript to an agent only to be told by my brother that another fantasy author in Australia had written a very similar story.
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Starting out with minor characters makes the beginning a kind of prologue.
As annepin pointed out, you signal to the reader that the characters you start with are important, and when you leave them for the characters you, as the writer, consider important, the reader is confused (and, possibly, frustrated). Not a good thing for readers to be if you want them to keep reading.
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Hey thank you guys! you all gave me really good advice, and a few good ideas. I've got some rewriting to do and i'll post it up later today.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Alright, here are my first 13 of the ‘true’ beginning. I took Kathleen’s advice and moved the ‘paige’ lines into a prologue. Then for those of you I confused this idea is that yes it is an ‘urban fantasy’ and I put the mixed worlds up front without establishing the setting. So I’m starting with the main protagonist, Curt. Now the reason I thought it was dry was because he is a cerebral character and his thought process is quite...lengthy. *I* think its interesting, but I though it might be a turn of for some people. In any event, here are the 13, unmodified as of yet, and I look forward to your critiques! (i went two words over to finish the sentance)
Curt sat at his usual table in the mess, alone, eating his lunch. He watched as the students of his high school milled about in their daily lives. Students from all walks of life gathered together in their various cliques, the sizes ranging from over twenty on the steps leading to the main building, to as little as three at their various tables. And it was not lost on Curt he had the only table to himself. It wasn’t as if he had some sort of contagious social disease, quite the opposite in fact, he was a hero. Any chance he got he took the opportunity to stick it to the man, and his peers praised him for it. But he also would take every opportunity to stick it to anyone he could. Curt would bash jocks for tormenting the nerds, then turn around and chide the nerds for not sticking up for themselves.
quote:Students from all walks of life gathered together in their various cliques, the sizes ranging from over twenty on the steps leading to the main building, to as little as three at their various tables.
The first few sentences are fine, but I hit trouble here. First, does it really matter exactly how many people are gathered where? The next lines tells us all we need to know, that he's the only one alone. Second, I thought he was inside the school cafeteria eating lunch at a table, but evidently he can see people sitting on outdoor steps. Is he outside? If so, you might want to establish this even before this to prevent readers like me from imagining things incorrectly.
quote:It wasn’t as if he had some sort of contagious social disease, quite the opposite in fact, he was a hero.
This hooked me--the idea that a fellow is a hero, but no one wants to sit near him.
quote:Any chance he got he took the opportunity to stick it to the man, and his peers praised him for it. But he also would take every opportunity to stick it to anyone he could. Curt would bash jocks for tormenting the nerds, then turn around and chide the nerds for not sticking up for themselves.
Except you lose me with this information. First, he doesn't sound like any sort of hero to me. I wouldn't want to sit next to him either, let alone spend hours of my time reading about him. But that's just me, and other people might like him. Second, I'd find it more interesting to see a scene with him doing this than hear him think about it. Right now it comes across as him fully knowing why everyone hates him but he still thinks that they think he's a hero. Not only does that come across to me as an unappealing character, but it seems like he's more than a bit self-delusional. Perhaps seeing him in action would make him more engaging.
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Wow, they're like two different books entirely!
First one: Liked it, agreed with the surprised by the sword stuff, and grammatical nits. I expect to return to Page, I figured Jacob would snuff it and be the main character, but that we'd care about Page still.
Second one: "Mess" threw me; 'cafeteria' might be easier; "mess" evokes a military school if anything to me. I emphatically agree that the 'hero' stuff was hook-ie, but the last bit turned him into a jerky teenager who pulls fire alarms for attention, in my view.
Love the potential, I want to know about Curt, and I want to know what happens to Page and Jacob.
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(i went two words over to finish the sentance)
