something new I have been working on. Looking for all comments and what not. As well, I have written about 8,000 words and am looking for readers for the first chapter, which I think I have more or less all cleaned up (600 words).
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The rancorous snarls of the Ratir pack echoed incessantly off the rock walls of the canyon Esan traveled. He had heard their haunting cries since the sun had gone down; it was enough to drive most men mad. There had been no hiding in the god forsaken Drylands, nowhere the Ratir pack wouldn’t sniff him out. He trudged forward through the darkness as he had for the last three days, his body fatigued and dehydrated, managing to stay ahead of his pursuers.

As daybreak approached and the night faded in the east, the Ratir’s howls grew more malice, more menacing. Their guttural voices rang through the empty canyon, a climax of abhorrent yowls and screams. The Pack would have to take refuge at dawn, crawling into rock clefts or crevasses until the deadly

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited April 09, 2008).]

Im seem to be having technical difficulties working out my 13 I think my browser is pooched and its showing as less when its more. Please let me know/ edit if it is so

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited April 09, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited April 09, 2008).]

quote:

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The rancorous snarls of the Ratir (1) pack echoed incessantly off the rock walls of the canyon Esan traveled. (2) He had heard their haunting cries since the sun had gone down (3); it was enough to drive most men mad. There had been no hiding in the god forsaken Drylands, nowhere the Ratir pack wouldn’t sniff him out. He trudged forward through the darkness as he had for the last three days, his body fatigued and dehydrated, managing to stay ahead of his pursuers.(4)

As daybreak approached and the night faded in the east, the Ratir’s howls grew more malice, more menacing. (5) Their guttural voices (6) rang through the empty canyon, a climax of abhorrent yowls and screams. The Pack would have to take refuge at dawn (7), crawling into rock clefts or crevasses until the deadly

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1. Dunno if Ratir is a proper name, or the name of a species. I'm getting the idea that this is a pack of animals - were you Jack London writing this scene in Alaska at the turn of the century, you wouldn't capitalize wolves, I wouldn't think. Same goes for Ratir.

2. This wording is awkward, like you're missing a word here or something. Maybe "the wall of the canyon Esan travelled in..." I dunno, your call, but this sounds strange.

3. This sentence is passive, I believe. Anyways, you could improve it by losing had and rewording.

4. These Ratir must be pretty slow creatures, if they can't catch up to a fatigued and dehydrated person. Or, is he fighting them off when they get close?

5. Again, this is a wording issue. Maybe there's a word missing here, or it could just be reworded for clarity.

6. See, at first I'm picturing a wolf-like creature, or at least an animal predator of some kind. Now, you're giving them voices, which carried the connotation of speech. You've also capitalized Ratir, which makes me thing maybe that wasn't a mistake and these are a pack of specific people who go by the name of Ratir. I think a little clarification is in order.

7. Aaah, I see why they couldn't catch him. They pursue during the night but have to take refuge during the day, while Esan still pushed on ahead. Each night brings them a little closer each time, as Esan fatigues. Mi comprendo.

Um... if I was an editor I don't know that I would request more pages from you, but in this rough first thirteen I do see some promise. You've got a decent sense of setting and milieu, and the beginnings of some character development. A little more restraint and conservatism in how words are spent, and this could develop well. Keep working at it.

It's all a matter of style, and the only changes I would suggest are cutting a few words here and there and maybe slapping one nice choppy sentence in the middle of all those longer ones to break them up. This is your beginning, there's ALWAYS time to use more adjectives and turns of phrase later in the story, after the readers are enthralled and in it for the long haul. With your kind permission, because I don't like to mess with another writer's words, these are the cuts I'd make.

The snarls of the Ratir pack echoed off the rock walls of the canyon. Esan had heard their haunting cries since the sun had gone down, enough to drive most men mad. There had been no hiding in the god forsaken [I'd make godforsaken one word] Drylands, nowhere the Ratir pack wouldn’t sniff him out. He trudged forward through the darkness. He'd managed to stay ahead of his pursuers for the last three days, his body fatigued and dehydrated.

"He trudged forward through the darkness as he had for the last three days"

This kind of reads to me like it's been dark for the entire three day duration of his trudging, but that might just be me.

"He trudged forward through the darkness as he had for the last three days, his body fatigued and dehydrated, managing to stay ahead of his pursuers."

This somehow doesn't ring right to me. I think something more like "He trudged forward through the darkness, traversing the Drylands as he had for the last three days, always managing to stay ahead of his pursuers. His body was fatigued and dehydrated(add something here)", or "Fatigued and dehydrated, he trudged forward through the darkness..." Just generic samples; you'll come up with something better if you choose to alter it.

"As daybreak approached and the night faded in the east, the Ratir’s howls grew more malice, more menacing."

The adjective form of malice is malicious, in case that's what you were going for.

Overall, very intriguing and well-written, with a lot of interesting concepts. Reminds me of some scenes from Dune and God Emperor of Dune in a way, kind of like a Fremen being pursued by D-Wolves while simultaneously attempting to avoid attracting sandworms. But I digress...

I'd be happy to check this out for you. Best regards,

Brant

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The rancorous snarls of the Ratir pack echoed incessantly off the rock walls of the canyon Esan traveled. He had heard their haunting cries since the sun had gone down; it was enough to drive most men mad. There had been no hiding in the god forsaken Drylands, nowhere the Ratir pack wouldn’t sniff him out. He trudged forward through the darkness as he had for the last three days, his body fatigued and dehydrated, managing to stay ahead of his pursuers.

As daybreak approached and the night faded in the east, the Ratir’s howls grew more malice, more menacing. Their guttural voices rang through the empty canyon, a climax of abhorrent yowls and screams. The Pack would have to take refuge at dawn, crawling into rock clefts or crevasses until the deadly

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I think you used way more space then you needed to describing how the Ratir pack sounds and not enough describing what they are. But those are just my thoughts I could be way off.