posted
**Sorry Kathleen, I didn't realize the hard returns counted for a line. I removed those, so hopefully this fits in 13 now. :-)
This is the third complete overhaul of the prologue for an untitled sci-fi novel. Welcome any and all comments!
It was a simple thing, finding his wife. Introducing himself to her, that was a bit more thorny. Luc, two drinks in hand, rounded a corner in the colony's new gala room, and there she was. Gazing at one of the crude Daku sketches he had ordered hung to cover the unfinished walls. Crossing her arms rigidly against her body. She was a separate thing from the crowd around her. For a moment Luc stood in arrested motion. He ran his eyes down the length of her, measuring the reality against his dreams. She had made the political choice of wearing Daku silk, but it was awkward the way the stiff fabric swathed her bony frame. There was a warm tightness in the back of his throat. But what was the approach? He hadn't dreamt this, their first meeting.
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited October 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited October 12, 2009).]
posted
Thanks for the feedback guys! Good point Shimiqua about the gala room. It's actually a new gala room on a colony that Luc oversees, so I'll change it to "the colony's new gala room". Thanks again!
Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
I am not going to post with nitpicks just to have something to say.
Instead, I'll tell you that I think you've got a really great way of combining visuals and flow, word choice, etc. It's really quite wonderful. She was a separate thing from the crowd...stiff fabric against her bony frame.
Very nice. Good luck with this! (wish I could offer to read more, but not right now. Keep me in mind if you get to Dec and still need readers. You don't mention much about the storyline, but I dig colonized space stories, and write them myself.)
posted
Thank you all again for your comments! It's so great show this to someone not in my immediate family and get some positive feedback. It feels like I've been working on this novel for years (oh wait, I have!) and sometimes I can get bogged down in it.
That being said, I appreciate all constructive criticism, "nits" or otherwise!
And good point Kathleen about the hard returns. :-)
posted
I like it, too, and I would keep reading. I found myself wondering who the poor thing was the other drink was for? And how did he recognize his wife? Not that it matters, I would keep reading and find out. And why she is so rigid and apart.
It was a simple thing, finding his wife. Introducing himself to her, that was a bit more thorny. Luc, two drinks in hand, rounded a corner in the colony's new gala room, and there she was. Gazing at one of the crude Daku sketches he had ordered hung to cover the unfinished walls. Crossing her arms rigidly against her body. She was a separate thing from the crowd around her. For a moment Luc stood in arrested motion. He ran his eyes down the length of her, measuring the reality against his dreams. She had made the political choice of wearing Daku silk, but it was awkward the way the stiff fabric swathed her bony frame. There was a warm tightness in the back of his throat. But what was the approach? He hadn't dreamt this, their first meeting.
posted
PS My "I am not going to post nitpicks" was a message to MYSELF, because sometimes I find that when I come to crit on F&F, I actively look for things because I want to have something to say. I hope nobody took it the wrong way as saying their crits were there just to "have something to say."
Rather, I wanted you to get the feel, Ennis, that the opening really worked for me, caused me to not even be interested in looking for something to say.
I realized how snooty my post might have sounded after the fact and I apologize if I've offended anybody! Really it was a Note to Self: don't only post when you have something to suggest to the writer...posting positive feedback is valuable too!
Haha, no need to explain! I totally got you! I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew that I don't mind negative, as well as positive feedback.
Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to read my post! And thanks for the generous offers to read, now and later.... unfortunately my novel is in such a state of re-write that I wouldn't put anyone through that pain right now... ok, except for my husband -- but that's what he signed up for when he married me!
:-)
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited October 13, 2009).]
posted
I don't think any of us are afraid to say something negative. I know that I really liked it. You should enter it in the Nathan Bransford first paragraph contest.
Okay I will give you a few nits.
quote:It was a simple thing, finding his wife. Introducing himself to her, that was a bit more thorny. Luc, two drinks in hand, rounded a corner in the colony's new gala room, and there she was. Gazing at one of the crude Daku sketches he had ordered(I think you should cut the portion I put in italics. It slowed the scene down) hung to cover the unfinished walls. Crossing her arms rigidly against her body.This sentence is a fragment, combine it with the previous sentence. She was a separate thing from the crowd around her. For a moment Luc stood in arrested motion. He ran his eyes down the length of her, measuring the reality against his dreams. She had made the political choice of wearing Daku silk, but it was awkward the way the stiff fabric swathed her bony frame.comma after awkward. There was a warm tightness in the back of his throat. But what was the approach? He hadn't dreamt this part, their first meeting.
I think the fact that I had to really look hard to find nits shows that your voice was very engaging. Good luck!!
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited October 13, 2009).]
posted
Hi MAP, thanks for the edits, I think they were excellent points. I had thought that one sentence "Gazing at one of the crude Daku sketches he had ordered hung to cover the unfinished walls" was too wordy myself, but I wasn't sure what to cut. And thanks for the tip on the first paragraph contest!
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