'Dusk was setting in over the high steppes of Lake Powell. The reds and purples reflected off the rippled edge of the water, only disturbed by the lone houseboat drifting along the subtle currents. An old man stepped onto the deck and surveyed the scene. He turned his face towards the gentle September breeze and closed his eyes, smiling. “This is what retirement is all about...” he said aloud, then finished his thought: “Fishing.” The crickets chirped their reply and he smiled all the more. He reached into his tackle box to pull out a cricket-shaped fly when something above him caught his attention. It looked like an eagle, but shone white, as though the light reflected off of it. The old man stood and looked, and as he did the bird began to dive down towards him, sensing the old man’s gaze. After

BTW...it's not a UFO. In case anyone wondered. Thanks again

Just FYI, there is a reason for the “no more than 13” rule. You’ll find in over in the “read here first” section. You’ve got more like 26 here and KDW will come and cut your lines for you if you do go over.

I really like your imagery and the overall flavor of this. The first 3-4 sentences are really beautiful. It might be a little more description than you really want to spend the space for this early on, but beautiful. Think of the first 13 as prime real estate, and make every word serve your purpose or preferably more than one purpose.

Nits:
-“The old man” descriptor got old pretty quick. It works the first time, but you should try to avoid using the same adjective more than once, especially in the first 13. Since “the old man” is our POV character, we should get his name reasonably soon.
-You’ve got him “smiling” more than once in very close proximity
-I would recommend losing “then finished his thought:” as it doesn’t convey any information that the reader cannot infer.
-Does it matter to the story if the fly is cricket shaped? Wouldn’t it give you more to describe it as handmade? You mention the crickets three times. Two of them relate to sound (great sensory description) and serve that purpose, but you can trade it in here for a description that adds more.
-The bird thing, you’ve allowed a bit of unnecessary (IMHO) confusion. Is it a bird, or isn’t it? I take it that it isn’t, yet you call it “the bird” in your text. If you put bird in quotes as in, ‘…as he did the “bird” began to dive…’, then I think you eliminate that.
-“stood and looked” -use stronger verbs

Based on what you have here, I would recommend the following:

quote:

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Dusk was setting in over the high steppes of Lake Powell. The reds and purples reflected off the rippled edge of the water, only disturbed by the lone houseboat drifting along the subtle currents. Jake stepped onto the deck and surveyed the scene. He turned his weathered face towards the gentle September breeze and closed his eyes. “This is what retirement is all about...” he said aloud, “Fishing.” The crickets chirped their reply and he smiled contently. He reached into his tackle box to pull out a handmade fly when something above him caught his attention. It looked like an eagle, but shone white, as though the light reflected off of it. It couldn’t be real. He straightened and squinted, and as he did the “bird” began a dive straight towards him, as if sensing his gaze. An unnatural stillness settled over

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If you really want your “I just saw a UFO.” line to come through in the intro, you’ll have to condense or rearrange how you say things. I'm not sure it's necessary, it all depends on what you want.

*criticism disclaimer* I’ll reiterate this, just because you are new here, don’t take any criticism personally. We all offer up our work for criticism in the hopes of making it better. Ultimately it is up to you what write, and that is a beautiful thing.

I didn't know the first 13 was a hard rule...I'll remember it.

BTW, I just read a really great article about openings. You might like it.

I like to be grounded quickly into pov. And I wasnt this read as a scene from a movie. If taken that way it was fine. As a book, writing has a great advantage over movies, we can get inside the actors head, pov. So, I am assuming that its the old man whose pov we are in, I could be wrong. It could be omni or one of those others, I am not very familiar with.

But if his. We dont need to say he is an old man. Show it. I have named Ed as I dont know his name. Ed stepped onto the deck, clinging to the doors frame for support. His bones creaking. alright, so both are a little over top, but both instantly show, old, in my mind. Also, you really dont need to show his age yet, because....you do it a sentence or two later, with the "retirement line." We pretty much assume as standard retirement equals old.

Below are some of my suggestions. Take what you, ignore the rest. And good luck.

quote:

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'Dusk was setting inMore active(Dusk set) over the high steppes of Lake Powell. The reds and purples reflected off the rippled edge of the water, only disturbed by the lone houseboat drifting along the subtle currents. An old man stepped onto the deck and surveyed the scene.(Whose pov? if his, then, Ed stepped onto the deck and turned towards the gentle breeze. He closed his eyes and smiled.) He turned his face towards the gentle September breeze and closed his eyes, smiling. “This is what retirement is all about...” he said aloud, then finished his thought: “Fishing.” The crickets chirped their reply and he smiled all the more. He reached into his tackle box to pull out a cricket-shaped fly when something above him caught his attention. It looked like an eagle, but shone white, as though the light reflected off of it. The old man stood and looked, and as he did the bird began to dive down towards him, sensing the old man’s gaze. After

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