posted
She found him. She brought him back to us. That will be her place in history. She stood by him. She brought him back to himself. She was the one that showed him the way. It was her that healed his broken mind. It was her actions that replaced his guilt with hope. She is the mother of our world. He is the broken father. They lead us through the darkness. It was the actions of these two people that ended the second Dark Age. No one knows what drove them to this. No one knows what higher purpose called to them. All we know is that they spoke to us in simple words about great things. The spoke to us about what we could become. They also showed us how to take action and bring this land together. The showed us the clear path. It was not an easy path to follow, nor will it ever be. I stand here
[This message has been edited by Hookt_Un_Fonix (edited January 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 16, 2007).]
posted
Please read the rules. Only post the first 13 lines or you won't get any substantive comments. Edit this down or SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED will do it.
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posted
I cut it down, sorry the cut and paste got away from me and it took a second for me to find the edit option.
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posted
Wow... I'm not sure how many other people will get to read that massive entry before "The Boss" cuts it off at 13-lines. I'll be honest with you, I'm not a very good reader. I'm a visual person, so you kind of lost me with all the narrative. You did catch my attention with
"So what does an old soldier do, when there is no enemy left to fight?"
Unfortunately, your 13-lines won't let anyone else really read that far.
I'm intrigued... it made me want to know who "She" is... but perhaps there may be a different way of beginning your story? I'm not sure... You start to talk about a scene (way into it though... maybe 80 lines or so) where you say: "It all started there"
Maybe start "there" instead, wherever that phrase is referring to? But, not being the author, I wouldn't know how that would work out for you...
Or maybe you could start (or include in the beginning lines) a bit more of where your MC IS... what's he doing? Is he reflecting over his life with a strong drink? Is he walking through a memorial sight? Maybe you mentioned it, but brining it up right at first would help.
I like reading 1st person, myself... I like writing in first person... it's hard (for me) to balance the MC's narrative thoughts with, perhaps, showing me more of what's going on. It kind of had that feel to me... but maybe that's what you were going for. I started a book once with pure "thoughts" from my MC... it just wasn't so long.
Well, I would personally want to read more and that's saying a lot... cuz it's hard to keep my attention on a book, but I did get to read tons more than your 1st 13... although, I also liked your first couple of paragraphs... I had to go back and read it again, after i finished, to "catch on" to your start. I just understood your MC better from the rest of the writing and i wasn't having to guess as much by that point.
Donno... Guess we'll see what our more professional reader/writers say. hang in there -drahm
[This message has been edited by drahm (edited January 15, 2007).]
posted
Toward the end of this, you tell us "...what we could become...how to take action and bring this land together...showed us the clear path..." All of this sounds very positive and that for me is the problem. Where is the conflict? Your last sentence is very compelling and i think it should be your first sentence. The information you give is not critical enough to be put in the opening and can be put in as the story unfolds.
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posted
The intro, with its first 13 lines is actually a letter from the main character. It is his thoughts at the end of his career. I wish I could put more here to describe the story which is about 60k on the word count thus far. The intro is telling you why he is writing the book, and I know SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED will only allow 13 lines for a good reason. The premise is simple and their is conflict both internal and external. It is a new world from a soldiers prospective, and not your typical reluctant warrior or combat loving psychopath, but a real soldier. The MC is a self educated intelligent man that happened to fall into a role as a soldier and found a path to follow. I get into who she is in greater detail, during the story which are the MC's memoirs. The reason that it not immediately explained it because this him recounting what his history to him, and therefore he would assume that you would know it. This his tale of a world gone wrong, and made right, at least in his eyes. I am open to critic, hence why I came here. This is my first novel ever, actually it is my first attempt at writing a story period. To me the memoir angle made more sense. Recounting forty years in a soldiers life, and starting with the end made sense to. Nobody wants to hear the soldiers tale until the war is over, and mainly it seems they want him to justify why he did what he did.So this format made sense even more, he is recounting history through his eyes, and not telling the how, but the why.
[This message has been edited by Hookt_Un_Fonix (edited January 15, 2007).]
posted
would it be more appropriate to select the 13 lines I think would best represent the spirit of the book?
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posted
It was her that healed his broken mind should read It was SHE that healed his broken mind. If you were to render the original sentence to its essence, you would be saying Her healed his broken mind. In the context of dialogue may you take liberties with grammatical presentation, but even with first person narration editors expect to see proper grammar.
Interesting story matter, but very repetetive in your opening paragraph. I got irritated with reading she at the beginning of each sentence after the third time. I've put down books and left them for months before finishing them because I found the repetetiveness in the author's writing style irritating. Some of those books turned out to be pretty good, and some of them were pretty much what I expected from reading the first few paragraphs. Also, I agree that you may want to begin your story at a different point, or perhaps use your present opening as a prologue.
posted
Noted, I am changing this now. Just trying to work it out, and figure out good replacements for "she" without making run ons.
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posted
She found him, and brought him back to us. That will be her place in history. It was her that stood by him, bringing him back to himself, and showed him the way. It was through these efforts his broken mind was healed. Through this, guilt was replaced with hope. She is the mother of our world. He is the broken father. They lead us through the darkness. It was the actions of these two people that ended the second Dark Age. No one knows what drove them to this. No one knows what higher purpose called to them. All we know is that they spoke to us in simple words about great things. The spoke to us about what we could become. They also showed us how to take action and bring this land together. They showed us the clear path. It was not an easy path to follow, nor will it ever be. Posts: 119 | Registered: Jan 2007
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As soon as this start, I hear "she" and think, who? What's her name? No reason not to tell us.
Then I get to "him," and wonder the same thing. I'm toward the end of the paragraph before I find out.
See FAQs and Useful Discussions, Helpful discussions, the threads Just Tell Me and Keeping Secrets from the Reader.
Paragraph 2 has a related problem, in that she and he spoke inspiring words, but we don't know what those words were about, or who listened to them or why -- we're essentially still in a fog. I'll go out on a limb and guess that you don't know what those words are, either. If you do, you can tell us (enough that we have some idea). If you don't, I suggest you imagine them (the hardest work of writing!) and then tell us a little.
posted
I did get to skim most of the big section before it was cut down. I couldn't read it all because it was too dense and without clarity.
What I mean by "dense" is that there were too many descriptions that took away from the narrative rather than added to it.
What I mean by "without clarity" is that you introduce something or someone "She" without expaining her purpose or even identifying her. While you seem to be trying to create a mystique or an mythologocal feel, you can't do so by withholding informaion.
If you are going to start here, everything you tell us needs to be clear.
Ex:
Who is she?
Who is he?
Who is us?
These questions which come from the first line of your text are never answered in the 13 and they really need to be.
posted
Perhaps putting another short excerpt from the intro one of the questions can be answered. I do not want to reveal it all in this introduction though. Like I stated before this is a man recounting history that to him has already happened. So the major players to him are common knowledge. They will be fleshed out, and are in latter chapters, but let me know if this other bit helps?;
I can let you know most of this occurred in my life time. I saw the changes that inspired the Ard Riegh to rise. I saw what he did to the world. In part this whole situation was his fault. He rocked the status. He destroyed the world as we knew it. He killed the masses; he brought on a new dark age. He killed civilization. He destroyed mighty nations. He was Armageddon. We love him for it, life has never been better. I remember my father working as postmen and barely feeding our family. I had no hope of a better life unless I found a way to pay for an education on my own. I remember the government rations on fuel. I remember the cold winters. I remember the lines between the haves and have not’s growing thicker by the month.
posted
I do have what I have written so far on a yahoo 360 site. Each part has been posted as a blog, and only visible to my "friends". I am doing this to get feedback on the concept, because this is my first attempt to write. I can add more friends, but I am getting picky because I want to protect my story from plagiarism of course. The real reason I removed it from public view though, was that I was told that having it "published" on a website could cause issues with publishing companies taking a serious look.
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posted
What I am saying her, if you want to read the whole thing let me know. go to 360.yahoo.com/walterjesse. write me a friend request stating how you will not publish or copy this anywhere else, and that it will be only for your private use and review, and I will add you. Then you can read the whole thing.
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posted
"...this is a man recounting history to him that has already happened."
Maybe you could avoid some of the problems the recounting has posed by, instead of recounting, make it part of the story itself. That will bring the story and characters much "closer" to us as well as making it more personal and easier to get involved with.
posted
I am not sure I follow you on this. Are you suggesting I do not write the book as a memoir, but as a linear story?
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posted
Well, I'm only mentioning the possibility of writing it as a linear story. From the information you have so far, I as a reader would like to get in there up close and personal - would like to "live" the story with the characters. But as I said, I mention it only as a possibility.
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posted
I agree with the living the story, and I think it is reflected later in the story. This intro is more to set the stage and explain why he is telling the story. In the first chapter on to the last it is written first person, but in a more linear style. I am trying to do something different here to capture attention and stand out as a bit unique.
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posted
hey fonix... Sorry, I haven't been on since you posted the first time. I didn't read through everyone's comments, so i apologize if i repeat... I don't know if i agree with some of the suggestions i DID read. I personally like the memoir intro; I wouldn't change the angle (whatever you call it) because I was definately intreged by it and wanted to read more. I also read your comments about how "nobody wants to know a soldier's story until AFTER the war is over", and i can't tell you how much THAT caught my attention! Now i'm really interested... but that comment isn't in your first page or so (from what i remember)... Maybe it would be a killer idea to have your guy (MC) reflect on those feelings. You know, how things may have been different if people cared BEFORE or something... ??? Just a thought. (maybe you already did...) Here's a bad go at it, but maybe something on the lines of 'Nobody cares to know my story until after the blood has been spilt... ect' I'm sure you can say it better.
Seriously though, I wouldn't change it to linear (if I'm understanding what that means correctly... i may not). I like what your trying to do... I like it started at the end and reflecting back... just needs to be beat out till we see what you're seeing.
-drahm
[This message has been edited by drahm (edited January 17, 2007).]
posted
thank you for the vote of confidence. I am all for a linear model, but I do not think it will work in this case. This story is very personal to me, even if it is a sci fi novel, a lot my own experience is being poured into it. I don't know if its is because of the military that people do not care to hear about the actions while they happen or while they are planned, or if people really don't care to hear the story until the blood flows. They also only want to hear the negative aspects of being a soldier. I do not talk about my service with friends and family, which makes this book even harder for me to write, because I am tired of the same old questions that people can't understand why they hurt to ask. My little cousin asked me once if I had killed anybody, he didn't know better, but I think you should never ask a soldier that. Jut assume what you like and move on. I was a medic with a forward deployed marine unit, and what I saw I can tell about, but I don't think people will relate with the angle unless I tell it my way. I don't know if that makes sense. I also understand the need for feedback, hence why I am here. Because of the differences in the mentality of those that have fought, and those that have not, I might not get my point across. So I ask people for their opinion to help me get my thoughts and points across clearly.
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posted
Hmmm...nobody ever asked me that one. But...thinking about it, you were a soldier and a doctor, so it's a double whammy.
Anyway, if you want to write in first person, the first thing you need to establish is the reasons which impel the narrator (not you), to write the story. A narrator who starts telling the story with no apparent purpose or motive is not realistic as a character, and that makes it very hard to suspend disbelief. Your non-opening excerpt is a lot better, but still a bit shy of making any kind of sense.
Note, the opening doesn't have to be perfectly clear to us, the real audience, but it does have to plausibly seem perfectly clear to the fictional audience addressed by the narrator.
posted
It is hard to show this in 13 lines. I do think in the full introduction this is achieved. For those few that actually saw the whole thing before I clipped it, I hope that point was clear, as to why he felt compelled to tell his tale. I was a "doc" though and not a doctor. If you don't mind em asking what branch did you serve with and when?
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posted
Army...I hesitate to say that I "served" so much as...eh, whatever. Anyway, long time ago.
I'm not very strict about the distinction between doctors and practical medical service providers. Um, except that I feel like "real" doctors should regularly be asked how many people they've killed
Knowing this is an introduction or a prologue, I DO like your voice and I DO like the poetic quality of it. I like the second version that inlcudes a name or is it two? I do need to know who he and she are.
You're going to have to tighten it up as it's repetitive. It would be interesting to read a story or stories from a soldier's VP.
posted
Oh, and if you're really serious about writing this? Watch the grammar. Please use 'she' and not 'her' in the above noted example. I noticed you did not change it, as someone suggested, in the second version.
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posted
Yes I am trying to watch the grammar lol. I actually have a friend of mine that is going to help with the proof read. She is actually going to Denver U to become an English teacher. So right now I let it pour out of my mind onto to text, and let her dissect it with the red pen of death.
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