posted
Gulp, time to take the plunge. Here's the first 13 lines to my sci-fantasy novel "The Rookies of Outfort." I've been working on it for about 18 months and it is time to finish it or it will finish me. As with many on this forum, I am the most displeased with the first part of my novel. Please tell me if there is a hook here and if you would want to read on. Also don't hesitate to critique. And don't be gentle. If you crush my inner muse I will just bang my head against a wall a few times. The pain of rejection stops somewhere around the fifth hit. Oh, Thanks KDW for the help with italics. You really do know all. Gideon
His mind raced, searching for options. I only have three. Run, fight, or die. Running is out. Can’t even walk fast since I sprained my ankle. Besides, I have to stay here until Tracker returns. If he comes to the spring and sees this guy instead of me, he may just go on by. If he goes by, then I’ve lost him. If I lose Tracker, then I’ve lost Faith. No! I can’t lose Faith. It’s my fault she’s here. All my fault. No. I won’t, I can’t run. I’m not going to run anymore. Decision made, Zack Hendricks studied the man’s ragged, almost feral appearance before flicking his eyes back to the huge predator that had appeared just moments before. It still lay motionless under the nearby bushes. At first he had thought the big cat to be a black panther from Earth, but the dark blue
Yeah, sorry, but the 13 lines ended in the middle of a Hemingway type sentence.
His mind [whose? give us a name] raced, searching for options [options for what problem?]. I only have three. Run, fight, or die. [run or fight whom?] Running is out. Can’t even walk fast since I sprained my ankle. Besides, I have to stay here until Tracker returns. [who's the tracker?] If he comes to the spring and sees this guy instead of me, [what guy?] he may just go on by. If he goes by, then I’ve lost him. If I lose Tracker, then I’ve lost Faith. [who's that?] ...
You can just tell us these things, as soon as we have cause to wonder, and we'll love you for it!
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 13, 2007).]
posted
Maybe slightly rearranging things would be better. Is Zack Hendricks the protagonist's name, or another character that is discovering the protagonist? Once the MC has a name, show us his peril--something to do with the panther-like cat that is stalking him?--then give us more relevant thoughts.
Why is it all his fault Faith's there?
If Running is out, does he really have three options?
Who is the feral man? And what is he doing? Was he with the MC at the beginning; did he sumble upon the MC; or did the MC stumble upon him?
It's interesting. I would read on a bit, but, I am a tolerant reader. My questions would have to be answered fairly soon.
[Edited to get rid of stupid questions. I guess I know where my mind wandered a bit, huh?]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 15, 2007).]
posted
I like it. I thought the run, fight, or die inner dialog is great, quick paced, got me hooked.
However, It seems like a LOT of internal dialog to decide to fight a guy + a predator that I only *just* realized is alive under those bushes.
Hmm...I suspect it could be a case of "where to start the story..." - have you read the OSC bit about this related to starting Ender's Shadow? He gives 3-4 examples of what he did to try to write the beginning of that book, and it's a really interesting evolution. Gave me a lot to think about vis-a-vis beginnings.
posted
Thanks everyone for your responses. It was my intent to creat questions in the hope that you would read on. All of your questions were ones I anticipated, but perhaps I created too many questions. Karen, thank you for the idea to research OSC's lesson on beginnings. I am reading it now. Perhaps I will swap chapters 1 and 2 back to their original order and repost the first thirteen from the other chapter. More of a linear approach might be better received. Thanks again. Gideon
Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
This may be OBE (overcome by events); I didn't read your latest post before writing this, Gideon. Yes, I'm new here -- this is my first critique, so please let me know if I say it wrong.
I agree somewhat with InarticulateBabbler. Give me “His” (first-only for now?) name and the snapshot of the danger that the (MC? What does that stand for?) is faced with, and then give me a few quick thoughts – he hasn’t got much time to think here, right?
Could you have him feel the sprained ankle instead of thinking about it?
I like the guilt about Faith; do you need to link that to Tracker just yet? I also like the tension of facing both the feral man and the predator. I’d like to find out more!
A nit: “that had appeared just moments before” slows it down, and conflicts a bit with “It still lay”… as if its been there a while? How about “that had just [fill in some kind of active verb for how it appeared]” and leave out “still”? (Is that too specific in critiquing?)
posted
How to get readers to read on, according to OSC: answer either all the questions, or all except 1 or 2. (For me, that unanswered question is almost always "what's going to happen later?")
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 15, 2007).]
posted
I wrote this wonderful reply and the Internet Bug ate it. *sob* Here's my second try:
Gideon, hooks are generally questions about what will happen next. Confusion about what is happening now doesn't really count as a hook. You have location fairly well established (in a forest near a spring, not on Earth). It's clear this is in the future, but I don't know if Zack is going to use a sword or a gun in his fight. I'm guessing that will be answered soon, so I'm willing to wait on that. Where things break down is 'what's going on now' and 'who are all these people.' Why did Tracker leave--was he going to get help or to get Faith or what? Why would Tracker pass Zack by if he saw the man? Does Tracker hate Zack or is he just afraid of danger? Why would losing Tracker mean that Zack would lose Faith? How did they get separated in the first place? You say that Zack (and Faith, one assumes) is running from something, so what is it that they are they running from?
Also, you have two apparent dangers: the feral man and the panther. Is Zack thinking he has to fight both? Did the two arrive together or is this his Really, Really Unlucky Day?
Basically, I think that you're trying to fit too many hooks or too much information into the first thirteen lines.
I'd also like things to be in the correct order of sequence, otherwise I'm wondering why 'his' mind racing for options rather than focusing on what he's thinking. Why not show Zack injured and waiting for Tracker to return, then have the feral man (and panther) appear, then have Zack think about what he's going to do.
quote:His mind raced, searching for options. I only have three. Run, fight, or die. Running is out.
Since Zack never thinks about the option of 'die,' why not cut out the "I only have three: Run, fight, or die." That way you'll have more time to explain who all these people are in your first 13 lines.
Just my 2 cents.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 15, 2007).]
posted
Thanks everybody. Back to the drawing - uhh - writing board. My efforts to creat hooks have obviously resulted in creating confusion instead. It is so hard to see your own work clearly until others point out the obvious to you. Thanks again. I am reworking the order of my chapters and will do another post with a new, revised beginning place. Actually, it will be the original beginning. Sometimes the first idea may truly be the best idea. Thanks for you input. Gideon
Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2007
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