posted
“Iman the reading will begin, return home now.” The words were so clear that Iman knew they were from his mother. Hearing was a confused and jumbled method compared to the connection mothers used to communicate with their children. A child’s mother could communicate her thoughts to her children through a connection, but this interaction didn’t travel both ways and was never permanent. Iman couldn’t wait, the time was not far distant when the connection with his mother would not be so strong and finally he would be able to get her out of his head. Usually it happened slowly, as a child grew in the knowledge of choice the mothers’ ability to influence and communicate with their child through this connection would diminish. The detachment was never seen as a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 26, 2007).]
posted
“Iman the reading will begin, return home now.” << COMMA SPLICE
The words were so clear that Iman knew they were from his mother. [Huh?] Hearing was a confused and jumbled method compared to the connection mothers used to communicate with their children. [But you said the words were clear...]
Oh. OK. The order makes it confusing to me: you tell me what happened, but then you give me the explanation so I can understand. By that point I've already had my "huh?" reaction and misunderstood you. This would work.
The words THAT APPEARED IN HIS MIND were so clear that Iman knew they were from his mother.
Iman couldn’t wait, [COMMA SPLICE] the time was not far distant when the connection with his mother would not be so strong [WHY DOES THAT MEAN HE CAN'T WAIT? CAN'T WAIT FOR WHAT?] and finally he would be able to get her out of his head. [HE WANTS TO, THEN? WHY?]
Usually it happened slowly...[I think you can skip the explanation here.]
Aside from the comments above, there are things I need to know to understand your story; the discussion of what will happen to his sense in the future can wait, but right now, I want to know: what's a reading? Why does Mum want Iman home right now (if he knows)? Where is he? What can't he wait for? ...that is, what's going on, right now?
I think this link thing will make an interesting story.
posted
A little rearranging and trimming, and you've got:
quote: Iman couldn't wait until he outgrew his parental telepathic connection. He was tired of his mom always intruding in his mind. He couldn't even answer her, or plead his case, because the link was one way.
Iman! Return home, now. The reading will begin. If I have to repeat myself again, you'll answer to your father.
...and then you can get on with the Evil Robot Monkey invasion!
wbriggs, you've got me doing it. Can't get the ERMs out of my head...
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 26, 2007).]
posted
Babbler's suggestion to start with some setting/ exposition/ explination before the single line of dialog would help me a lot on this one.
Try not to "info dump" i.e. explain everything about the link. Just tell me what matters to the POV now. Trust that I'll learn the rest during the rest of the story.
posted
I agree with kings_falcon on this one. Alot of the problems I see with a deflated attention grabbing thirteen lines has to do with too much focus on the character's thoughts and explanations with absolutely no context set up through action. Readers won't continue if there's nothing to grab their attention at first. Later, the character can be developed when the reader starts caring about what happens to them.
But packing all that information into thirteen lines is going to bog down the reader no matter what happens next. As everyone said, it's an interesting concept, but it needs a little action first.
posted
Agree w/other posters. Suggest Iman receives the message, and then DOES something...starts trotting home? Maybe give you a chance to briefly describe where he is. Then perhaps a little exposition about this pesky telepathic link from mom would be timely.
Cool concept, count me in if you end up needing readers. My son is convinced I'm telepathic as it goes...
posted
Not much more to say, except you should really consider changing the name "Iman" - it is very close to "Imam" - give the reader a word that will not conjure up an image away from your story.
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