First off, I really stumbled over your first line. To me, it is far too long, and in my opinion, could be broken down.

Instead of...

quote:

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Iman watched the fable cubes leave Daylas hand and drop to the ground they came to a rest revealing his next tale would follow the life of a young girl, would be set on a foreign sphere, and take place in the distant past.

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Try this.

Iman watched Daylas drop the fable cubes. He hated telling stories about girls! But, that's what he read on their carved ivory surfaces. The story was to be about a girl, a young one at that, set in a foriegn land, a long, long time ago.

The second half or your first thirteen, you go on to talk about the prompt for the tale. I believe this needs to be a second paragraph since you've shifted the reader's focus from the cubes to the beginning of the tale.

This sentence also tripped me up.

quote:

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It was no matter, time was short and he hadn’t started his story yet.

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The remaining lines also seem rather 'verbose,' to me. I think they need to be shortend and more locked into Iman's POV.

quote:

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Iman needed a starting point something to prompt him. A tepid wind crawled across the back of Imans neck it brought with it whirls of sand and the knowledge that darkness was soon to fall. The twirling sand danced across the small patch of land the children had cordoned off as “theirs.” Imans eyes caught hold of a tiny sand twirl, spiraling near Daylas’ foot…. “In the land of Twirls lived a young girl who…”
“Iman the reading will begin, return home now.”

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He needed a starting point, a good one, to entertain the court official's children, if not his prospects in his continued comfortable service would soon be at an end, and Iman liked his comforts.

Again new paragraph, since you are starting the tale.

A twirl of sand caught by the breeze danced across the clearing the children considered, "theirs." It spiraled near Dayla's foot. "In the land of Twirls lived a young girl who..."

Hope this helps.

There was a lot of repetition in the swirl, twirl category. It may have been on purpose, but again those lines stood out to me, made me notice the writing.

quote:

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Iman watched the fable cubes leave Daylas['s] hand and drop to the ground[.] [T]hey came to a rest[,] revealing his next tale[.] [It] would follow the life of a young girl, [needed?-->would be] set on a foreign sphere, and take place in the distant past. Iman hated when the fable cubes forced him to conjure up the thoughts and feelings of a girl! It was no matter[;] time was short and he hadn’t started his story yet. Iman needed a starting point[:] something to prompt him. [The instead of: A tepid] wind crawled across the back of Imans neck[.] [I]t brought with it whirls of sand and the knowledge that darkness [would soon instead of: was soon to] fall. [This sentence is awkward: The twirling sand danced across the small patch of land the children had cordoned off as “theirs.”] Imans eyes caught hold of a tiny [sand twirl-->this is the third time you've described the sand in the wind], spiraling near Daylas’[s] foot…. “In the land of Twirls lived a young girl who…”
“Iman the reading will begin, return home now.”

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