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Author Topic: Revised: Author of the Untold story
mattiff
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Iman watched the fable cubes leave Daylas hand and drop to the ground they came to a rest revealing his next tale would follow the life of a young girl, would be set on a foreign sphere, and take place in the distant past. Iman hated when the fable cubes forced him to conjure up the thoughts and feelings of a girl! It was no matter, time was short and he hadn’t started his story yet. Iman needed a starting point something to prompt him. A tepid wind crawled across the back of Imans neck it brought with it whirls of sand and the knowledge that darkness was soon to fall. The twirling sand danced across the small patch of land the children had cordoned off as “theirs.” Imans eyes caught hold of a tiny sand twirl, spiraling near Daylas’ foot…. “In the land of Twirls lived a young girl who…”
“Iman the reading will begin, return home now.”

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mommiller
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I think this is supposed to be under your original subject heading rather than starting a new topic. Others likely know more about this protocol than I do, yet letting that be as it may, here are my thoughts on this first 13, and no, I haven't read your original version...

First off, I really stumbled over your first line. To me, it is far too long, and in my opinion, could be broken down.

Instead of...

quote:
Iman watched the fable cubes leave Daylas hand and drop to the ground they came to a rest revealing his next tale would follow the life of a young girl, would be set on a foreign sphere, and take place in the distant past.

Try this.

Iman watched Daylas drop the fable cubes. He hated telling stories about girls! But, that's what he read on their carved ivory surfaces. The story was to be about a girl, a young one at that, set in a foriegn land, a long, long time ago.

The second half or your first thirteen, you go on to talk about the prompt for the tale. I believe this needs to be a second paragraph since you've shifted the reader's focus from the cubes to the beginning of the tale.

This sentence also tripped me up.

quote:
It was no matter, time was short and he hadn’t started his story yet.
Why is the time limit important? Was Iman pulled away from something more important than wasting his time telling stories, if so what?

The remaining lines also seem rather 'verbose,' to me. I think they need to be shortend and more locked into Iman's POV.

quote:
Iman needed a starting point something to prompt him. A tepid wind crawled across the back of Imans neck it brought with it whirls of sand and the knowledge that darkness was soon to fall. The twirling sand danced across the small patch of land the children had cordoned off as “theirs.” Imans eyes caught hold of a tiny sand twirl, spiraling near Daylas’ foot…. “In the land of Twirls lived a young girl who…”
“Iman the reading will begin, return home now.”

He needed a starting point, a good one, to entertain the court official's children, if not his prospects in his continued comfortable service would soon be at an end, and Iman liked his comforts.

Again new paragraph, since you are starting the tale.

A twirl of sand caught by the breeze danced across the clearing the children considered, "theirs." It spiraled near Dayla's foot. "In the land of Twirls lived a young girl who..."

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 09, 2007).]


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KayTi
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Nit - are winds tepid? It's fun to mix metaphors in writing, but I tripped over tepid winds. That line also seems like it should be two sentences - back of Iman's (apostrophe) neck. It brought with it...

There was a lot of repetition in the swirl, twirl category. It may have been on purpose, but again those lines stood out to me, made me notice the writing.

The last line I didn't understand. It's a quote, but no attribution. It's also telling Iman to return home, but isn't he about to give a reading? I remember from the previous version that there's some telepathic connection with mom, is this it? It should be attributed this early in the story. Or, at least I as a reader needed to know who this line belongs to.


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wbriggs
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Iman watched the fable cubes leave Daylas [DAYLAS'S] hand and drop to the ground [SHOULDN'T THERE BE A PERIOD HERE?] they came to a rest revealing his [WHOSE?] next tale would follow the life of a young girl [I CAN'T PARSE THIS SENTENCE], would be set on a foreign sphere, and take place in the distant past. Iman hated when the fable cubes forced him to conjure up the thoughts and feelings of a girl! [HUH?] It was no matter,[COMMA SPLICE] time was short and he hadn’t started his story yet. ..

I think I might like this, especially seeing how fable-cubes work out. You've got some grammar and punctuation issues to deal with.


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InarticulateBabbler
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My take:

quote:

Iman watched the fable cubes leave Daylas['s] hand and drop to the ground[.] [T]hey came to a rest[,] revealing his next tale[.] [It] would follow the life of a young girl, [needed?-->would be] set on a foreign sphere, and take place in the distant past. Iman hated when the fable cubes forced him to conjure up the thoughts and feelings of a girl! It was no matter[;] time was short and he hadn’t started his story yet. Iman needed a starting point[:] something to prompt him. [The instead of: A tepid] wind crawled across the back of Imans neck[.] [I]t brought with it whirls of sand and the knowledge that darkness [would soon instead of: was soon to] fall. [This sentence is awkward: The twirling sand danced across the small patch of land the children had cordoned off as “theirs.”] Imans eyes caught hold of a tiny [sand twirl-->this is the third time you've described the sand in the wind], spiraling near Daylas’[s] foot…. “In the land of Twirls lived a young girl who…”
“Iman the reading will begin, return home now.”

  • You've completely lost the mental-communication thing. That's too bad. I was interested in where you were going with it.
  • fable cubes are an interesting idea, but I don't know why these are important to the story.

    Just when you seemed about to explain, you had mom interrupt.

    Again, it is still and interesting concept. However, I am questioning whether you have really decided where to begin?

    [This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 10, 2007).]


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